stupid day…

it feels like a stupid day.

ran around shopping for an inexpensive larger crate for sadie (inexpensive, yah right…the cheapest one i found was like $70). during my search i went to costco and ran into nate’s little brother ben. he looked a lot different from the last time i saw him. he was wearing really tight pants…weird. ugh. i parked way far away from the tire place because i saw nate’s jeep there and knew he was at work. avoidance is best in some situations…i think i probably still couldn’t have a normal conversation with him without internally freaking out and obviously getting weird. i hate that certain people make me weird.

talked to george on the phone. i have yet to come to a clear conclusion as to whether i want absolutely no contact or some continuous contact by phone. if i was to actually talk to people about my indecision they would likely think it ridiculous. why would i even want to have conversations with someone that chooses to not exhibit control over themselves in any arena of their life? i don’t know the answer to that question. how would it benefit me if i did decide that i wanted to be in contact with him? i have no freaking clue. if i did decide that i got some benefit out of it, does that outweigh the possible negatives that could happen (what if he says something weird, or gets upset if i tell him that i met someone, or what if i get upset if he tells me that he met someone?)? i do not know. i haven’t chosen to talk to anyone about it because i’m tired of making people hear about it, part of me is tired of talking about it. i will struggle with this particular question on my own. my emotional investment is not significant at all anymore…the only thing emotionally that’s going on is the fact that i continue to be upset and sad that the good side of him can’t be the only side there is.

haven’t talked to tony in a while. stopped by his work tuesday to chat and say hi. we were going to “maybe” get together on wednesday after i met with lisa and lexie but i ended up spending more time with them than i estimated and ended up just going home. he was very understanding on wednesday (which i’m sorry to say is hard to get used to…that someone is understanding and doesn’t care that i have other things going on) and said we could go do something thursday instead. called him thursday when i got home from the dr. and from picking up sadie (that sounds funny…like i picked her up from daycare or something), left a message and he didn’t call me back. it makes me suspicious that maybe he is passive aggressive. that possibly it wasn’t as okay as he said it was that i didn’t end up stopping by on wednesday. of course…it could just be that i’m paranoid.

it’s just kind of a stupid day so far. i almost just want to go back to bed.