Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

And if that’s the case, is that what I really want to be?

I think that for an incredibly long time when I was dating people I was looking for security. In fact, probably since the moment I started dating people in high school that played a significant part in most every relationship that I had. Not wanting to feel alone, wanting to feel as if I was ‘okay’, and to a point using the emotions of others to feel that way. It played a significant part in who I chose as dating partners, why I have in the past stayed in relationships that were gruesomly unhealthy, and why there never seemed to be a time when I wasn’t, in fact, dating someone.

That is, until there was a long period of time where I was essentially alone and dealing with/depending on only myself for any emotional need that had to get met. I didn’t depend on other people, and at first I hated it. I think for a while I did look for someone to meet my needs for me so that I wasn’t forced to rely on myself and face myself. Thankfully I didn’t meet anyone at a time when I least needed to meet someone, and clearly it was supposed to happen that way. I was supposed to be alone because had I not been I wouldn’t be where I am now emotionally.

Obviously in every situation that involves more than one person each perception of what’s really going on is going to be completely different between all that are involved. I was always the one that needed, and now I’m not the one that needs anymore, and I’m not quite sure what to do about it.

Thirteen Things That Irritated Me Today

Okay, I know it’s not quite Thursday yet, but I don’t care.

Sometimes during the month I turn into a tight little ball of anger for a day or two and try as I might I’m unable to turn it around (okay, to be totally honest, sometimes I don’t even attempt to muster the energy to try); usually I just let it run its course. Today was one of those days. After being incredibly annoyed all day I came home to the quiet and drank a ton of tomato juice; my rational was, maybe if I drown myself in vitamins and such my mood will improve. This remains to be seen.

1. My internet connection: Clearwire pretty much sucks. It’s likely just where I’m living (between cinderblock walls) that causes it to sleep periodically; it’s still aggravating. Especially when I’m trying to navigate my online classes.

2. Seattle drivers: I ran some errands after work today. Big mistake. FYI, it does not make you clever when driving in an exit only lane, to wait until the last possible second to change lanes when you’re not actually exiting. It only makes you clever if you are intelligent enough to do it in a way that doesn’t cause you to sit at a stand still in the exit lane with your turn signal on. Southbound Mercer is notorious for this.

3. My handwriting: Normally I’m not such a fan of it; today I really hated it.

4. My irritation: I was irritated about being irritated. It’s an incredibly exhausting state to be in.

5. The wind: I thought to myself after returning home that I would sit outside in the fresh air for a bit to study my chapters for this week. It’s windy today, which certainly didn’t make for a relaxing reading experience.

6. The temperature: I felt cold most of the day.

7. My clothes: Nothing felt comfortable; nothing looked good. I abhor days like that.

8. Argosy’s financial aid department: It’s mostly just Aimee that can understand this. It’s too time consuming to try to explain.

9. My neighbors: As I was on the phone attempting to explain as delicately as possible in my irritated state why I needed an evening alone (which I didn’t even do that well by the way), someone knocked on my door. My windows and blinds were open so they could clearly see that I was on my phone. Despite that they started trying to talk to me through my window before I even had a chance to move towards opening the door. The kicker; they don’t even live here…they’re the friend of a neighbor who, as I later learned, wanted to ask about a refridgerator that is up in the storage units. It’s terribly intrusive to do that to people you don’t know well.

10. Money: I sometimes lose patience with the fact that things don’t get completely caught up all at once. It’s a process which requires patience and dilligence month by month. It’s my own fault in the first place, so I mostly get irritated with myself for that one.

11. My toe: Yesterday morning I jammed my pinky toe on Sadie’s bony leg, causing it to turn a most awful shade of purple. It was much better today than it was yesterday, but it still hurt.

12. My therapist: For some reason I thought about our appointment in a couple of weeks; even that irritated me. It doesn’t even have anything to do with her, that’s the stupid part.

13. School: Deadlines, due dates, requirements, assignments, etc. and etc.

My evening plan: finish most of my homework prior to this weekend when I am really busy, take a bath, sleep. It’s a good plan.

Even though it was yesterday.

All day I had been feeling reticent about going to the birthday dinner that everyone had planned. The little scared “I-don’t-want-to-deal-with-the-hard-stuff” person in me contemplated not going at all at the last minute but even though you’re not here anymore it would have felt a little like I was ditching out on you; and even though we joked about that when you were here, you’re not here anymore and that’s just not acceptable or funny.

As I was sitting there, I listened a lot and I thought a lot. I thought about the last time I saw you at dinner on Capitol Hill with Jake and how I got lost (like always) looking for the restaurant and had to call you. I haven’t eaten Indian food since, and by the way I still owe you the money that I borrowed that evening. I didn’t get much of a chance to pay you back; as it turns out it was the last time I ever talked to you. I’m glad I gave you a hug, but I wish that I would have told you that I loved you.

I thought about going to your townhouse for dinner after you bought it, not long before the Indian food evening. I thought about our conversation regarding our current relationships, and how after dinner it was nice to just sit with you and watch Iron Chef while you went on and on about how attractive one of the girls on the show was. I remembered not wanting to leave that night because it felt so good to spend time with you-it reminded me of being 12 years old again, playing video games at your house after adventuring on our bikes to here or there.

I thought about getting you all brided up for your wedding day, and how scared you told me you were just before it was all supposed to start. I remembered feeling like an inadequate maid of honor at calming your fears, seeing as how I had never really even been close to being married before; but I remembered as well how proud I was to stand up there with you once the ceremony started.

I thought about feeling guilty about not calling your family since it all happened, especially when Jill talked about how she has been calling and spending time with them. I thought about the fact that since your wedding day I hadn’t actually talked to your mom until your funeral when during a tear-streaked hug she told me that you loved me so much, but I was hurting so bad, and so entrenched in a crazy imaginary world where you were still alive that I couldn’t manage any words to respond with. I listened to Jill talk about how poorly your brother is doing since you have been gone and that hurt too because I know it would have hurt you to the core.   

I thought about how you always made me laugh regardless of what was going on in my life; that was the easiest to remember because that talent to engage people came from one of the many wonderful bright spots in your heart. As I sat there listening to the general conversation about who was working where or engaged to whom now I saw you in every single one of us, in all of our differences that you loved. There are no words to express the gratitude I felt at being able to see that; but there are also no words to express how much it hurt to see it. A friend told me that you must be special for so many people to make a point of getting together on your birthday after you’re gone; he was right. As an aside, as much as you might have enjoyed seeing Emily’s new baby (despite our shared avoidance of babies in general), you also would have gotten a laugh at Kay and I taking bets about who, out of those that wanted to hold him, would get thrown up on first.

Most of all I thought about how much I miss you like hell. I also realized that it’s time to let go of the selfish guilt at my perceived inability to have seen that something was so wrong; it wasn’t about anyone else but how you felt and what you wanted, and you didn’t want anyone to help. It might take me forever and a day to let go of that but eventually I will.

Happy Birthday.

Friday: Spent time with brother. I was calling him “step-brother” for a very long time out of formality however, he is family-pure and simple. His dad went nutty and stupid but that has nothing to do with my relationship with B. Nothing. He had plans to go to some party Saturday, one of those all night things-he called this morning to tell me that he was on his way home and was okay because he figured I would care. I do, and I was glad to know he was okay. Family is good.

Saturday-day: Successfully finished my last assignment in my class this session. It was online and seriously was more work than any other class I’ve had…ever. It’s over, and I’m glad; ecstatic actually.

Saturday-night: I don’t think I’ve ever in my life had a better date night. Ever. I am just on the edge of jumping, and I’m really okay with it.

Sunday (today): Thrift store shopping with Kait and Ashley. Laughing and fun.

It was a weekend that I’m grateful for.