Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

Over the past weekend participated in the Out of The Darkness Walk to raise money for suicide prevention. I regret not joining her but I was to have had other plans this weekend that actually didn’t happen at the last minute. I didn’t even think for a second that I could have met her on the way and walked with her a bit. Next time…that is if I’m not walking myself. Here’s what she had to say:

Breaking our Junuary streak of cold weather, the overnight walk on June 21^st and 22^nd had the best weather possible for an overnight walk, and the rainstorm they predicted, never arrived.  Between the Overnight in Seattle and NYC, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has raised more than $1.7 million, enough money to fund many prevention and awareness and support services for survivors.  They are even opening a chapter in Puget Sound.

I walked with at least 1,000 other walkers all around Seattle on a picturesque day. Jean, Margie, and Leslie (Jen’s family members) joined me for opening ceremonies, which left barely a dry eye at the Mural Amphitheatre at the Seattle Center as a woman told a story of losing her son and then her brother. (One of the things I’ve learned about suicide, is that it has the opposite effect you would think it would.  Instead of dissuading you from committing suicide if you are thinking about it as you see the way it hurts all of the loved ones who survived you, there is something about a completed suicide that makes a person who was seriously thinking about it more likely to complete a suicide.  The theory is that it makes something that seemed impossible no longer impossible).

  We started out going down second in Belltown, then we went down to the Piers (near the aquarium).  Margie, Jean and Leslie cheered me on from this location.  Then went through the Sculpture Garden, and passed a small rose garden I had never seen before. We crossed the bridge, walked up Elliot for a while and then walked along Westlake to Freemont. 

During this trek I had one of many conversations with other walkers.  This one was particularly poignant for me because she was also walking because she had lost her best friend.   It was nice to share that bonding moment over the loss of the people you love.  She also mentioned that in six years it’s been since she lost her friend, she has noticed a remarkable change in our society’s willingness to talk about suicide, which will hopefully mean that more people will be able to seek out and find support when they most need it. 

In Freemont, Nancy joined me and kept me company for a couple miles.  Colleen and Shannon also met me in Freemont for a little love and support, and a T-Shirt.  Not that I was cold, but backpack strap was cutting my arm and the t-shirt was my protection.  We  walked down the Burke-Gillman Trail to Husky Stadium, where Jean and Margie joined me for a little rest and a midnight snack.  This is also where I learned that the walk was going to be 2.5 miles shorter than expected, something I was perfectly fine with.  After the midnight snack, I found Eve, a co-worker from my other life at BB&L.  Eve lost her brother to suicide in August.   Eve, her sister and a co-worker of Eve’s walked the remaining 5.5 miles together talking about the people we miss and the impact their deaths have had on our lives. 

I arrived back at the Seattle Center at about 2:30 AM with all the bags people had made illuminating our path.  Instead of lingering for three hours for the opening ceremony, Jean Margie and I got together for a late night snack, remembering that Seattle is a small city, because very little is open past 3:00 AM.  But after a trip to Capital Hill and learning that the Broadway Grill is no longer open till 4:00, we headed to Hurricane which is open 24 hours.  We lingered talking about Jen, doing what is irresistible after the loss of someone to suicide, revisiting the details of her life we knew about, trying to understand why someone as amazing as Jen could ever take her own life.   The reality is that for those of us who don’t suffer from depression or other mental illnesses, I don’t think we will ever be able to understand the depths of despair that can cause someone to take such a fatal step.  But what we do know is that Jen was an amazing person, daughter, and to me a model of what a good friend is that I will hope to emulate.  She was reliable, dependable, compassionate, and fabulously sarcastic (in the good, don’t take yourself or life too seriously sort of way).   

Speaking of fabulous friends and support, thank you.  Thank you to all of you who gave money, your quick and excessive generosity made it so I did not have to worry for a moment about meeting the minimum amount.  Together we raised more than $1,600 in Jen’s name.  Thank you also for your love and support and last minute tips.  I learned that suicide has unfortunately touched the lives of more of my friends than I realized.  A special thanks to Karen Clevering, my marathon running, triathlon competing rockstar friend, on Friday before the walk we were studying for that stupid bar exam, and took an especially fortuitous study break where she answered all the questions I didn’t even realize I had.  With some spaghetti and other carbs, and being pre-hydrated, the only discomfort I have from the walk is my feet are a little sore, my right hip hurts (and yes I do feel like I’m seventy by complaining about my hip), and I have a little cut on my right arm from my backpack strap.  All-in-all I’d say I feel pretty darn good.  
 

           Since part of the purpose of the fundraiser is about awareness raising, I’m closing with some statistics from the AFSP about suicide.  Here’s to hoping that the awareness campaign and support services work, so that if you, or a loved one is ever thinking about suicide that you will be able to reach out and get support and as they walk say, Walk Out of the Darkness.

 

Much love,

Jill

P.S. Sorry for a mass email instead of letters but I don’t have most people’s physical address, I have to get back to studying for the bar as I have three practice tests tomorrow, and, there were several amazing generous anonymous donations, so this may be the only way I can thank them for their support.

 P.P.S. Jean - I hope you’ll forward this to all your family and friends who donated. 

 

General

• Over 32,000 people in the United States die by suicide every year.
• In 2005 (latest available data), there were 32,637 reported suicide deaths.
• Suicide is fourth leading cause of death for adults between the ages of 18 and 65 years in the U.S., with approximately 26,500 suicides.
• Currently, suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the United States.
• A person dies by suicide about every 16 minutes in the United States. An attempt is estimated to be made once every minute.
• Ninety percent of all people who die by suicide have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death.
• There are four male suicides for every female suicide, but twice as many females as males attempt suicide.
• Every day, approximately 80 Americans take their own life, and 1,500 more attempt to do so.

Depression

• Over 60 percent of all people who die by suicide suffer from major depression. If one includes alcoholics who are depressed, this figure rises to over 75 percent.
• Depression affects nearly 10 percent of Americans ages 18 and over in a given year, or more than 19 million people.
• More Americans suffer from depression than coronary heart disease (12 million), cancer (10 million) and HIV/AIDS (1 million).
• About 15 percent of the population will suffer from clinical depression at some time during their lifetime. Thirty percent of all clinically depressed patients attempt suicide; half of them ultimately die by suicide.
• Depression is among the most treatable of psychiatric illnesses. Between 80 percent and 90 percent of people with depression respond positively to treatment, and almost all patients gain some relief from their symptoms. But first, depression has to be recognized.

Studies indicate that the best way to prevent suicide is through the early recognition and treatment of depression and other psychiatric illnesses.

 

1. I have realized a new facet of loving someone in a partner relationship; it’s not something that I had really encountered before with exception of family and friends. When you love someone, it actually hurts when they hurt.
2. Stupidity abounds. Today I placed an ad on craigslist for an “open house” on an apt that’s available in my building. The open house is on Thursday (which was posted) and included the appropriate time to come by, as well as the address. I can’t even count how many email replies I’ve received that asked questions like, “when is a good time to come by to look at it”.
3. I love that I no longer pay rent as of this month.
4. Life is good.

Thirteen Things That Irritated Me Today

Okay, I know it’s not quite Thursday yet, but I don’t care.

Sometimes during the month I turn into a tight little ball of anger for a day or two and try as I might I’m unable to turn it around (okay, to be totally honest, sometimes I don’t even attempt to muster the energy to try); usually I just let it run its course. Today was one of those days. After being incredibly annoyed all day I came home to the quiet and drank a ton of tomato juice; my rational was, maybe if I drown myself in vitamins and such my mood will improve. This remains to be seen.

1. My internet connection: Clearwire pretty much sucks. It’s likely just where I’m living (between cinderblock walls) that causes it to sleep periodically; it’s still aggravating. Especially when I’m trying to navigate my online classes.

2. Seattle drivers: I ran some errands after work today. Big mistake. FYI, it does not make you clever when driving in an exit only lane, to wait until the last possible second to change lanes when you’re not actually exiting. It only makes you clever if you are intelligent enough to do it in a way that doesn’t cause you to sit at a stand still in the exit lane with your turn signal on. Southbound Mercer is notorious for this.

3. My handwriting: Normally I’m not such a fan of it; today I really hated it.

4. My irritation: I was irritated about being irritated. It’s an incredibly exhausting state to be in.

5. The wind: I thought to myself after returning home that I would sit outside in the fresh air for a bit to study my chapters for this week. It’s windy today, which certainly didn’t make for a relaxing reading experience.

6. The temperature: I felt cold most of the day.

7. My clothes: Nothing felt comfortable; nothing looked good. I abhor days like that.

8. Argosy’s financial aid department: It’s mostly just Aimee that can understand this. It’s too time consuming to try to explain.

9. My neighbors: As I was on the phone attempting to explain as delicately as possible in my irritated state why I needed an evening alone (which I didn’t even do that well by the way), someone knocked on my door. My windows and blinds were open so they could clearly see that I was on my phone. Despite that they started trying to talk to me through my window before I even had a chance to move towards opening the door. The kicker; they don’t even live here…they’re the friend of a neighbor who, as I later learned, wanted to ask about a refridgerator that is up in the storage units. It’s terribly intrusive to do that to people you don’t know well.

10. Money: I sometimes lose patience with the fact that things don’t get completely caught up all at once. It’s a process which requires patience and dilligence month by month. It’s my own fault in the first place, so I mostly get irritated with myself for that one.

11. My toe: Yesterday morning I jammed my pinky toe on Sadie’s bony leg, causing it to turn a most awful shade of purple. It was much better today than it was yesterday, but it still hurt.

12. My therapist: For some reason I thought about our appointment in a couple of weeks; even that irritated me. It doesn’t even have anything to do with her, that’s the stupid part.

13. School: Deadlines, due dates, requirements, assignments, etc. and etc.

My evening plan: finish most of my homework prior to this weekend when I am really busy, take a bath, sleep. It’s a good plan.

Friday: Spent time with brother. I was calling him “step-brother” for a very long time out of formality however, he is family-pure and simple. His dad went nutty and stupid but that has nothing to do with my relationship with B. Nothing. He had plans to go to some party Saturday, one of those all night things-he called this morning to tell me that he was on his way home and was okay because he figured I would care. I do, and I was glad to know he was okay. Family is good.

Saturday-day: Successfully finished my last assignment in my class this session. It was online and seriously was more work than any other class I’ve had…ever. It’s over, and I’m glad; ecstatic actually.

Saturday-night: I don’t think I’ve ever in my life had a better date night. Ever. I am just on the edge of jumping, and I’m really okay with it.

Sunday (today): Thrift store shopping with Kait and Ashley. Laughing and fun.

It was a weekend that I’m grateful for.

Thirteen of my Most Beloved Pet Peeves

1. Movies with subtitles: I realize that many great movies are foreign and thus have subtitles…they remain irritating to me.

2. Smacking lips: I used to date someone that for some reason had just not gotten the hang of eating with his mouth closed (out of respect that is undeserved, they will remain nameless). I wanted to punch him in the face every time we ate together.

3. Constant Whistling: I have a neighbor that I can hear when they are two blocks away, because they are constantly whistling…and it’s loud. When I was at Starbucks I used to work with someone that would engage in this behavior on weekends. It killed me.

4. Loud Talkers: How can one be totally unaware of the volume of their voice? It baffles me.

5. “I’m not leaving until I get a smile”: Working in the service industry more often than not renders one entirely helpless to what can only be described as the awful tendencies of the general public. I can not count how many times I heard this phrase. Various other renditions? “Where’s my smile?” “Don’t tell me you’re not having a good day!?” Sadly, when you’re getting paid for something it’s frowned upon to point out a customer’s stupidity. (Also, this has happened to me when not at a service job…which is all the more irritating).

6. Stupid Questions: See this reference for a “for instance”.

7. Slow, overly-passive, stupid drivers: Read: All Seattle drivers.

8.  Reading Over My Shoulder: Even if what I’m reading or writing is not entirely all that private. It just gets to me.

9. Pronunciations: For instance, people who pronouce Kareeeoke instead of Ka-ra-o-ke (last syllable just sounds like “k”) which is how it’s actually supposed to be pronounced. (I used that as an easy example because I took Japanese in high school).

10. Clothes That Are Not Properly Organized: It’s a compulsion when I’m shopping to organize the clothes on the racks. The clothes in my closet are currently organized as such: shirts (by color), skirts, dresses, coats. I’m picky.

11. People Who Fail to Watch Where They’re Walking: I see this a lot in grocery stores…my neighborhood Safeway to be exact. These are people that are pondering for example, which macaroni to buy, or people that are reading something while walking down an aisle as if they’re the only person that exists in the world. (Coincidentally this also applies to item #7 in the driving context…people that expect that everyone else is supposed to watch out for them).

12. Channel Changers: I used to date someone (who will still remain nameless) that would change the channel repeatedly without even stopping for one second to see what was actually on a specific channel. It made me crazy.

13. Product Warnings: “Do not immerse in water”. “Caution: The beverage you’re about to enjoy is extremely hot”. I strongly feel that the reason we are burdened with these insipid sayings is due to stupid people that came before us.

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