Down memory lane

I can drive from downtown Seattle to Everett via Aurora (aka hwy 99) and back and it literally is a trip down memory lane. All it takes is that stretch of “highway” (it is still called “highway” even though the city of Shoreline f-ed up their part of Aurora recently with it’s big britches). It’s fascinating to me, and the first time I noticed it was driving with my mom after her hair appt on the last holiday weekend up to Lake Stevens.

I noticed it again today on a trip to Shoreline for some errands, however I noticed it going southbound. The section between about 205th to approximately 85th is representative of high school and a short time after. As I’m driving that way I can think to myself (in no particular street numbered order): that’s the bar that Colin snuck Audrey and I into because he knew the bouncers although it isn’t called by the same name anymore…that’s where my mom began to find her freedom again and I was happy that she was doing so…that’s the Denny’s that we used to hang out in until wee hours of the morning drinking coffee and smoking and enjoying each other’s company because we were teenagers and wanted to feel like we were going out somewhere…that’s where my family and I spent a lot of time dancing and having fun hanging out together…that’s the restaurant that we went to after my high school graduation…that’s the drug motel that I went to after making the poor choice to accompany someone to pick up their strung out friend…that’s the restaurant that we went to for a birthday when my dad dressed up in his fruit o’ the loom grape costume (which at the time sort of embarrassed me because I, and Audrey who accompanied us, were teenagers at the time)…that’s the bar I went to for my 21st birthday after dinner at Red Robin (where I had my first legal drink as an adult with my dad and sisters) and had to be carried out by my ex and his sister because everyone in the bar knew my sister and bought me shots all night and I was dumb enough to drink them…that’s the auto shop that Audrey took her car to one day and it was a good day because I clearly remember singing along to songs in the car with her and having a smashing good time doing something mundane…that’s the place, and that’s the place, and so on.

For me, going anywhere north of 205th usually reminds me of not so good times. That’s the section that leads up to Everett. From 205th on I’m usually thinking things like: that’s the parking lot that I hid out in when trying to drive away and hide from a gruesome fight with G…there’s 112th which is the street that my apts used to be on which just happened to be the same street on the other side of Aurora that G decided to move to one of the times I tried to break up with him…there’s the car dealership parking lot where we had another fight that was horrible…there’s the motel he was staying at where I was stupid enough to be visiting him (foolishly thinking that if it wasn’t my place that we were at I could control whether I left or not when he freaked out a whole lot better than I could control him leaving my place if/when the same happened) where we had a fight a morning before going to work where I saw stars and thought I might pass out because he hit me so hard…there’s the bar that J and I went to the first year that I knew him and it was my birthday…there’s the restaurant J and I went to one random day and had a really nice time…there’s the street that I would take a right on from hwy 99 to get to where I was staying with J for a while…that’s the place, and that’s the place. To be quite honest, sometimes I would rather just not drive on that road at all.

Capitol Hill often reminds me fondly of high school as well even though Minnie’s is not on Broadway anymore (because often in high school we could also be found there; of course we were also there more often than not in our later teen and early twenty’s years as well)…unfortunately Capitol Hill/First Hill is also the birthplace of a more recent unpleasant memory. A memory that for some reason that I still can’t fathom was brought up by a friend in front of mixed company twice last night seemingly out of nowhere. It was seriously like being in the twilight zone and I had zero idea on how to handle it properly.

There’s one thing I do know…there are some things that I am really not handling all that well and I’m sure that most of it has to do with stuff that has been long lived in my life, all tied up in relationships and family and friends. There are tidy terms to sum up the actual behaviors (even though carrying out these behaviors is not all that tidy of an operation; anyone would agree that the feeling of drowning a bit is not very tidy)…ISOLATING is one of them, POOR CHOICES is another, RUMINATING is a creative one that I’m pretty fond of. I figure I might as well provide the words with capitol letters to grammatically reflect the power that they seem to have in real life.

 What it all boils down to is that one of the important TASKS on Monday morning will be to start seeing a counselor again.

Sometimes it’s necessary, and this is one of those times. Thankfully I’m one of those that needs to go through a period of MALFUNCTION and UNHEALTHY BEHAVIOR before I wake up and realize what needs to happen (and of course, I write that with a sarcastic undertone to it).

If you think that voting doesn’t matter…

Initially you should just take a peek at the news anytime this evening when results are coming in to hear them mention the ‘record number’ of younger and/or diverse voters that are evident. That’s the ‘sum it up’ version of why it does matter.

According to CNSNews in the 2008 election:

Forty percent of first-time voters identify themselves as Democrats, 37 percent as independents, and just 23 percent as Republicans. Also, 32 percent of first-time voters describe their political views as conservative, 34 percent as moderate, and just 28 percent as liberal.
 
Almost half of first-time voters are minorities (47 percent) – higher than the proportion of first-time voters who were minorities in 2004 (33 percent), and that could be due to the historic nature of Barack Obama’s candidacy, Gallup noted.
 
First-time voters favor Obama 65 percent to 31 percent – a much better showing for the Democratic presidential candidate than in 2004, when first-time voters favored Sen. John Kerry over President George W. Bush by 55 percent to 41 percent.

Okay, so how reliable are the numbers? Average. A sample of 3,030 voters is okay, clearly a more significant sample would have been better, but 3,030 is okay. A margin of error of plus or minus 2%? Can be deemed ‘okay’ as well; to put statistics simply, the lower the margin of error, the better.

Silly poll with 3,000 people. Okay. I just thought it was interesting. Truth is, it’s very elementary and simple to explain why it matters. It starts when the caucuses started months ago.

It continues with Electoral College for Dummies (I really couldn’t help using it…it was too perfect).

Different states choose their electors in different ways. Some states have nominations for electors during party conventions, while others choose their electors in primaries.

In Pennsylvania, the campaigns choose their own electors. The only real things that can disqualify you from being an elector are holding a federal office or having engaged in some sort of insurrection against the U.S. government.

Chosen electors are generally loyal party members who can be counted on to cast a ballot that’s in line with their state’s popular vote.

Do they have to cast a ballot that’s in line with the popular vote or cast a ballot for the vote that they said they would? Not necessarily. Is it commonplace for them not to? No.

So there you go. Voting for dummies.

Not to mention the importance of voting on smaller races than say, the presidency. For example, hell yes I voted because, in part, there was no way and no how that I was passing up my chance to vote against Dino Rossi. I also wanted my chance to vote for the next King County Superior Court Judge because I know Barbara Mack, she worked in drug court and I like what I know about her professionally. And I was not going to pass up my chance to vote on prop 1000, death with dignity. Yes it’s an emotional issue to me, and I voted yes.

And I certainly wasn’t going to pass up my chance to vote for the president-elect (in the popular vote) who is now Obama. I so wish I was in Chicago right now. Not to mention the way that people are celebrating in other countries because of all this.

6 (count them)…6 loads of laundry

Yet there is still a few more that I didn’t get to today. I know, I enjoy waiting until the last minute. I will continue to do so.

I did 6 loads of laundry today and after doing so I realized two things:

1. I do not regret a single thing that has happened in my life thus far.
2. My achilles’ heel=new toys (I probably realized that before, but I really realized it today).

Today was spent getting some things done and spending some time with my Kait. It was nice. It was a Sunday at Uptown.

Somehow in our twists and turns of conversation we ended up talking about past relationships and thus the George factor came up. It came up and as a true friend would, Kait said “I’m sorry that happened to you”. I replied and said that I wasn’t sorry. And, I’m truly not. I know that I’ve said that before to people and to myself as well, but I think sometimes we fake it until we get to a certain point; I’m at ‘that point’ where I officially mean it. I told her more than I have before about everything that happened during that time but I still spared some of the gory (read: sad/pathetic/sordid) details.

The fact of the matter is that lessons tend to continue to rise up and smack us in the face until we really learn them. Had I not learned it then I most likely would have learned it later; and later could have meant learning it married to someone with kids in tow. I’m glad I learned it when I did so that it was mostly just me that got hurt, and not innocent small people. Funny thing is that he had asked me to marry him and I had agreed; but that was before anything had started to happen. Had he waited to show his true colors I probably would have been married by the time they did show through and who knows, we may have had children. If I obviously had to learn that lesson at some point then I would say that I learned it in the most optimum time possible to do so, when I was on my own doing it. So no, I’m not sorry about the fact that it happened, and I’m not sorry for anything else that’s happened unrelated to that so far. It happens for a reason.

And in all that seriousness that took place for a bit today, I continued to play with my new cell phone.

Thursday Thirteen #12

THIRTEEN PLACES I’VE WORKED  Arranged as closely as possible in order from first to most recent. It wasn’t easy considering I’ve returned multiple times to various places of employment in my ‘gainful employment’ history.

1. Pittman Automotive: So, this wasn’t official employment in terms of legality. It was my Dad’s shop and my sisters and I would sometimes spend Saturday helping him clean up and he would pay us. It was more fun than anything else; he always took us out to breakfast first, he even had overalls for us to wear.

2. Ivar’s: I know. I was fifteen though, and I wanted some money. Jenny actually got hired there around the same time as I did, so we worked together for a long time, it was at Northgate and it was so long ago that it was actually its own restaurant rather than a piece of the food court puzzle. Jenny actually left before I did, but she didn’t go far. She left to work at the sporting/hat store that linked to our back room at Ivar’s. So she would routinely cross the hallway to steal food and hang out. It was actually the funnest job I’ve ever had despite how unbearable I smelled whenever I got off work. April’s mom tends to shop a lot and she would often swing by to say hi to me. One night she happened to come by when I was getting off work and offered me a ride home. She never, ever offered again even though I consistently saw her at the mall.

3. B&B Auto Parts: My sister Karen worked there and so I applied to be a cashier because I had given my notice at Ivar’s…after two years. It was fun to be there when she was there but we often didn’t work the same shift. And also, it was in Redmond. It was so boring to work there when she wasn’t there that eventually some Saturday I just didn’t show up because I had overslept at my boyfriends house. I called and made up some obviously lame excuse and they said it was probaby okay that I didn’t come back.

3. Deja Vu:   Wow it’s hilarious in a fabulous way that it’s on this list. My partner in crime in high school and I just thought it would be okay to work as waitresses. Why, I’m still not sure. But think it we did. So we applied and they called us to say we could come and try it out. We did. For one night. We didn’t intend it that way. At the end of our shift I somehow got stuck in the office alone with the manager. As I nervously eyed the door the same man that had sat on the couch all night with girls in his lap looked me up and down and said, “so when are you gonna start dancing?” I walked out of that office and out of that nasty place and never went back. Deja Vu printed a check with my name on it that never got cashed.

4. Fred Meyers: (Lake City and Aurora): I actually had a lot of fun at those places; I made friends. I met my Colin at Lake City.  

5. Espresso stand in Fred Meyer’s (Lake City and Aurora): Yes, I worked at both of the espresso stands. It was incredibly interesting to work there. Interesting in the way it would be to work at espresso stands where the managers always had unbelievable amounts of cash in their pocket and routinely had strange men coming by introducing themselves as ‘cousins’.

6. Starbucks: I worked at 145th, Ballinger, North Bend, Bothell, Lake City, 128th in Everett, and finally the Support Center. It was a reliable fallback and all in all I spent about ten years there. Although years of poor business decisions resulted in them firing a bunch of my friends, it will always have a sort of special place in my mind.

7. Burlington Coat Factory: I spent like two months there. It was awful and no one ever talked to each other. Hands down, the worst job I’ve ever had.

8 THS: I did my internship there and that’s where I met my P. Obviously, I returned.

9. Structure: It used to be its own store but is now “Express for Men”. Wonderfully, the same company owned Victoria’s Secret, Express, and Bath & Body Works which all gave us a discount.

10. Bath & Body Works: I worked at the Aurora one for a while, it was a second job (because I’m odd and always have to have two jobs).

11. CRC: I left THS for them after I did my internship. Huge mistake. I walked out on my manager after a few months.

12. Washington Mutual: I worked in the mortgage/loan department of customer service. Loans? Money? Me? Exactly. I was pleased as all get out when Starbucks corporate called and offered me a job. I completely quit at WAMU.

13. Foundation Group: My current second job. Though it most obviously adds to the stress of everything right now, you can’t put a price on not having to pay rent.

View others here.

I’m okay…

I’m okay…not going to the staff forward tomorrow. What is a staff forward you ask? It’s excruciating, that’s what it is. I worked for THS from 2002-2004 to complete my internship, only then I was in Shoreline…they were doing the staff forward then. Had I remembered about the staff forward when I went back in 2007 to apply/interview there, I may not have chosen to work there again. Well, not really, but I truly appreciate exaggeration. Thing about this year (because, they have it every year), is that it just happens to fall on the same day as a drug court graduation…a drug court graduation where THS has four clients graduating. It looks pretty bad if I’m not there. Even besides looking bad as an organization, most of those clients are people that I’ve worked with almost from start to finish this time (in the past, a lot of the graduates I’ve only worked with for a while, me having started when they were part way, or almost all the way, through the program already). One of my clients that is graduating tomorrow has been giving out little placards for weeks announcing that they’re graduating. It would be ridiculously inappropriate if I wasn’t there. One staff member suggested I simply tell drug court that THS closes down all operations with exception of dosing tomorrow, so of course I can’t be at graduation. I don’t think they really get it.  So, I’m pretty okay with having to miss the staff forwarding of THS just for tomorrow. The important things tomorrow are going on downtown where the clients are.

I’m okay…that at some point soon I will have new floors…even despite being given clear instructions not to rip my carpet to shreds prior to taking it out of here (which caused dreadful dissappointment), I’m still looking forward to the whole process. It means I’m going to truly love my apt again. Truly.

I’m okay…with being alone; at times I wonder if I’m too okay with it. Not that I don’t enjoy companionship and all that jazz; it’s just that a little tiny part of me is rejoicing in the fact that I’m just okay on my own. It’s been like that for a while now, and it feels nice (and only extremely rarely, a teeny bit lonely). It’s just that I’m a tad hesitant to really mess with that feeling of okay-ness. It’s probably just a phase; a part of the process of what true independence is…a complex combination of independence and dependence that is incredibly difficult to truly understand.

I’m okay…with the fact that a tiny part of me suspects that the reason my two best friends and I fell in love with 90210 may be somewhat, in a tiny way, related to the fact that one of the main character cliques were three female best friends.

I’m okay…with letting something go. That isn’t completely usual. Sometimes I, for some reason, enjoy digging my teeth in and hanging on. This past weekend I found myself in a situation involving extreme aggression towards me via ‘man friend’ of a friend. I don’t make excuses for someone that is drunk and gets aggressive; I know plenty of people that have been drunk and got angry and didn’t have to get aggressive, particularly at a woman. What I think could be difficult to understand possibly for some people is that there doesn’t even have to be violence for someone to have struck a very scared nerve. Even though no one even touched me last weekend, for just a second I stared right back into the face of anyone who had ever stood before me like that wanting to take control and overpower even though they didn’t look the same; and just for a second I was struck silent and immobile just like I always used to be. Just for a second though, and not longer. I walked away from it, and it felt normal to be able to…and I don’t have to hang on to the experience, and it didn’t have to traumatize me to having to hide for a day.

I’m okay…with hanging out with my nephew. I don’t do it enough, and I realized that this past weekend. The little tiny thing won his football game last Saturday 35-7 (obviously with his team), and then I took him to a baseball game with my friends. He had a most awesome time, and so did I…even despite waking up to an eight year-old in my face asking,“Kelly, why won’t you wake up?” on Sunday morning. It was good anyway that his chubby cheeks woke me up…I had to get to studying.

And I’m really okay with sleeping in my living room again. When I first moved here I decided to leave my futon out on the front room and turn the back bedroom into a closet/computer room. For some reason it was really comfy and it helped me sleep better. Then I felt obligated at some point to have the closest thing possible to a ‘bedroom’, and obtained a second futon, and turned the second part of my studio into what could respectively be called a bedroom. I’ve gone through two other different couches by now, both of which are two long stories. I’m on the third couch now, which happened to be a futon, and in the first week I had it I slept on it every night…I continue to sleep on it, in my living room. It’s comforting for some reason; maybe because it sort of reminds me of when I first moved in here.