especially when they happen to be my friends and they’re inappropriate.
met up with lisa and lexie (who i missed a whole bunch since i haven’t seen her in decades) at the “buzz inn” earlier this evening for some french fries and conversation. darren and his friend dustin stopped by after a couple of hours. considerable mistake. they were both trashed; darren threw things at my friends and made fun of what they were talking about. he really wanted me to take shots and i had to say no about ten times (the last couple of times with severe irritation in my voice) before he got the picture. before they got there darren’s friend called me on lisa’s cell phone; after i told him where i would be i said about ten times that i had to get off the phone because it didn’t belong to me and i didn’t want to use up her minutes…finally i had to hang up on him. one of the first things darren said after he got there (after i verbally observed the fact that he was hammered) was that he is more fun when he’s intoxicated. yah…that was really fun. i’m still laughing. lisa, lexie and i decided to go home; when i went to let them know we were leaving darren’s friend let me know that i need to ‘learn how to be nice’. totally. oh yeah, i forgot, it was me who showed up drunk as a dog and acted like an asshole. silly me. i need to stop patronizing places of business that attract drunk people altogether (and not just dance clubs) apparently because i just can’t take it anymore…especially when those people are my friends who i expect at least a little consideration from.
did an estimate of my taxes today. i was not pleased. someone tell me how i could only be getting $122 back from the stinking irs? why do i always get screwed over? i swear i claim the correct number on my w-4′s. i tried to do it on the computer because i thought if i could figure it out myself it would be cheaper than going in h&r block to have one of their tax people do it. now i have to go in anyway to make sure i’m doing it right in case it’s incorrect and i should actually be getting more money back. i am not pleased with the tax man at all.
tomorrow is my ‘i’m crazy’ appointment with my doctor. i’m excited because maybe she will know what to do to make things better or shed some light on what is going on with me. i’m pretty sure that the way i’ve been feeling for a while doesn’t really help me deal with situations such as tonight. or in any situation for that matter.
piglet’s friend bob is taking sadie down to greenlake tomorrow afternoon because he likes her. that’s way cute. tomorrow i will be better.
have decided that i just want to work a whole lot instead of worrying about my personal life. i’m better at working anyway. workshop was good, it was nice to get away. i’m having a hard time with the fact that i actually do have to return the rental car since it’s not my property. i’ve become quite attached to it. so attached, in fact, that instead of returning it this evening i would prefer to get up at 7:30am tomorrow on my sleeping in day to return it (since it’s paid for until then) so i can drive it some more. i’m amazed that something so simple as a car that functions properly gives me so much peace of mind. plus, i can lock and unlock it with the key chain. that’s priceless. i’m deliberating about going to a car lot tomorrow just to see for curiosities sake what it would take for me to just get a newer car on my own. i fear my credit history though.
i’ve only been living in my apt. since october and i already want to move somewhere else. make no mistake…i love my apt. i love the way it’s set up. but it’s been tainted now by someone else’s presence who is no longer here. it makes me sad. if i had lots of money i would just redecorate everything and it would make me feel a tiny bit better. unfortunately that’s not even possible right now. i cleaned for a while which usually makes me feel better…unsuccessfull this time. actually if i had my choice of outcomes i would just move farther away. this is not possible either. i just want to hide here all day…especially since it’s raining ridiculously. unfortunately that too is impossible since i agreed to pick my nephew up from daycare and watch him for a couple of hours.
i cannot do the things that i really want to do. i suppose it’s just time to start liking the things i can do. easier said than done, just like everything else. i am like eeyore today. that makes me sad too. only because it’s kind of pathetic. oh, hey…matt if you read this at work give me a call. i have to write that in here since for some freaky reason every e-mail i send just doesn’t quite make it to you. i’ve tried many times. if i’m not at my home i will be at my other home…i’ll leave the number on your voice mail in case you don’t have it at work. i’m off to go be upbeat and happy for a small child. maybe hanging out with jordan will make me happier.
if anyone has any ideas as to how i can get my grubby little paws on lots of money quick please feel free to speak up at this time. i need a new car, i needed one like yesterday. i need to pay off my debts so that i don’t have to worry about who i owe anymore…it’s such an irritant just hanging over my head. so, yah, if anyone has any get rich quick schemes…this girl is open to ideas. i’ve had a nice quiet evening on my own tonight, it’s a beautiful thing really. i’m even considering topping it off with a relaxing bath before i retire. i almost set my apt. on fire tonight with my garlic bread. not really. i think, though, that i must have the most sensitive fire alarm on the market. it’s gone off before when i was cooking something, but that was because what i was cooking involved frying breaded fish and the grease was starting to smell burnt. tonight it was only garlic bread. i wasn’t meant to make food, that’s all there is to it. last night in my group a client started talking about the about the abusive relationship that they’re in. what they said about it was generally, “if they would only understand___________ about me and wouldn’t get so upset and start arguing with me things would be fine because everything else is perfect”. it bothered me because it’s so difficult to get someone in that kind of a situation to even begin talking as if the behavior has nothing to do with them, which it doesn’t. it’s so difficult to get people to instead start saying something like “if only they would control their behavior when they got upset and angry things would be fine”. that’s at least a step in the right direction. i have a tentative plan to work with the small amount of money that i do have. it goes like this: 1) work like a dog at starbucks for a few months (forsaking social life if necessary) 2) incur no extra expenses…pay all bills (this means no frivolous clothes/c.d./apt. stuff shopping simply because i get the whim to spend money) 3) take all extra money made from all the extra shifts at starbucks and place in bank account (backup plan for a savings account…hand over all extra cash to mom to hide in a safe place that i cannot get to in the meantime) 4) take tax return (we’re assuming i’m getting one and aren’t going to owe money which strangely happens to me frequently) and put it into a cd at my bank so that i can’t touch that either. 5) take all tips i incur from starbucks and place in savings account as well. 6) tell myself daily that i will not call my bank and check my savings account balance (in fact…write my savings account number with sharpee pen on a plastic card and freeze in my freezer since i haven’t memorized it yet, that way it makes it much more difficult a process for me to check it). if i don’t know how much is in there i’m less likely to focus on the fact that i have money to spend and therefore won’t spend it. only in the event of an emergency (emergencies defined as a bill i have to pay that i can’t pay out of my ths paycheck, medical reasons i might need money, or automobile expenses that i cannot put off in the concern of my safety) 7) limit myself to buying latte’s at a frequency of only 2 times per week (my sunday latte and my afternoon latte on any chosen weekday)…at all other times i require coffee it will be the drip coffee i get for free from my pound o’ coffee every week (which only costs me when all is said and done about $2-3 per week because i have to buy my special vanilla cream to go with it). 8) eat no meals out whatsoever (well, unless it’s dinner with my family or something). grocery shop on sundays and plan meals out for the week including lunches at work. CLIP COUPONS! 9) continue thinking of get rich quick schemes that are both legal and ethical. this is my plan. it’s a good plan. it’s a plan that will save me money. oh, i forgot one… 10) cut out pictures of newer cars and post them in my car, on my fridge, in my room, on my bathroom mirror, IN MY WALLET, on my bank card, in my checking account, and in my office at work. this will keep an image of my goal in my head at all times. i will be focused…i will be determined. i will get what i want. the only other stipulation that needs to happen is that my current hoopty has to last at least until my plan starts to work and i can afford to pay for at least half of the car i choose to buy (that way i don’t have to finance anything for very long). this could be sticky because every day my car makes a new funny, eerie sound. i could always write a book or something and hope to get rich off of that. in the meantime that will be number 11…think of award winning novel ideas.
i’m too tired to explain why women suck sometimes. i’m also too tired to explain the weird, stupid way in which i feel like i was betrayed. there’s also just too many thoughts running around in my head about it in the first place to sort them out properly. it was my mom’s birthday today so we all went out for spaghetti dinner (this is not intended to complain in any way that it was my mom’s birthday…but that makes two weeks in a row that there was no pizza night). i felt bad because i’m too poor right now to buy her a present. i wish i was stinking filthy rich so i could buy her the whole freaking world (despite my opinion of late that it’s really not that great of a world) because that’s what she deserves. my nephew. of course because we were in public, had to throw a fit and i took my turn at the we’re-going-to-have-to-go-outside-now-because-of-your-bad-behavior discipline. i was telling my friend pat in an e-mail that it’s really fascinating to watch toddlers throw fits and try their damndest to manipulate people…and only when they realize that it’s not successful do they turn the charm back on and become remorseful of it. it wasn’t until i was telling her about this that i made the connection that it reminded me an awful lot of many males i’ve known in my lifetime. either this says something solely about the men i’ve chosen to be acquainted to, or it says something about a large percentage of the men out there, haven’t quite figured out which is more accurate though. actually, it’s most likely not an optimum time to be making harsh judgements about anything really considering that my attitude towards the behavior of people in general is not necessarily very favorable at this point in my life. it’s very late and i shouldn’t be up. i will retire to my (hopefully) heated up, peaceful bedroom and dream dreams of a time when i was under the impression that i not only had a lot more friends, but also of when i actually thought i knew what they stood for and were about as people. yes, there are many people in this world who really suck ass.
