Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

1. After tomorrow I will most likely officially be the apartment manager where I am living which means free rent, plus extra money every month. It couldn’t have come at a better time financially. It really is true that some things work out the way they are supposed to at just the right time. Ideally I will catch myself up as far as money goes and hopefully in the future be able to work part time in order to make it easier to continue school after my BA. Amazing.
2. I am quickly becoming head over heels. And I love every single minute of it because it is decidedly unique from any other time I have started to feel this way.
3. My laptop is stupid. I need a new one; or maybe I just need more memory.
4. Lucy is cute.
5. Jenny’s birthday is on May 5th. I miss her. A lot.
6. My Colin will be moving here sometime this week. I’ve missed him too.
7. It’s interesting how many lies are uncovered after someone is gone. In recent conversations with family I’ve learned that more and more dishonesty on the part of my former stepdad has become apparent. Am I surprised or shocked? No. Do I have a strong desire to hunt down and tear up every single father’s day card I ever gave him? Yes. This too will eventually pass though.

Gene Simmons: Family Jewels. (I know…who actually watches that show? Sometimes, me.)

And here it is…reason #5000 I’m glad that I didn’t join the marines. Yeah, I know…me in the marines? Really? It was almost true.

When I was 18 my best friend joined. Coincidentally at the time I wanted to end up as a police officer. Somehow the idea entered my brain (a combination of her suggestion, and my ultimate goal) that I should join too. They gave us all the pretty speeches about how we’d end up in the same platoon and such…and how much easier it is to enter the police force having military background…and how they put you through school; blah, blah, blah (I say this now, of course; back then it excited me). Maybe at the time in some way it would have been a way for me to do something really different, and to remove myself from what I was used to.

I fully intended to do this. When 5am came on the day that I was to take my tests and be sworn in it just so happened that my sister’s car, a Ford falcon, was parked directly behind mine. I’m sad to admit it but I wasn’t able to actually start the car to move it because it involved some ‘choke’ thing that at that age I really didn’t know how to operate (come to think of it, I still don’t know how that works). Just as I was trying to wake up my sister to move her car my mom was leaving for work. She was very firm in her conviction that my sister not move the car because she (rightfully as it turns out) didn’t support my decision to join the marines. An argument at 5am ensued. My mom won. I called my recruiting officer to tell them that I wouldn’t be able to meet them at their office because I was stuck at home. Of course, he said that he would be right over to pick me up and take me down there. A more intense argument ensued. Eventually my mom had to go to work and she sort of had to give up. My recruiting officer came to get me and we proceeded downtown to do all the stuff.

As far as I can recall what I learned prior to them asking me to take the oath, was that I could have joined the air force (this is for the more intelligent people, supposedly), and that I was not just 5′6″ but 5′6″ and 1/2. The problem came when it came time for me to actually commit. Knowledge that it was time for me to officially commit (knowing that after that there would be legal consequences if I changed my fickle mind at the time) gave me pause, to say the least. I told my recruiting officer in the most adult way that I could at the age of 18, that I thought it best if I put some more thought into my decision. I should have just ran and hopped a bus.

My need to express hesitance kept me down there for another two hours, because I kept myself at the mercy of my recruiting officer who had given me a ride, rather than just walking out. Questions were pelted at me about why I was hesitating…was it my mother who was influencing me, was it my friends…was it just fear. Had I actually answered any of his questions to the fullest he would have known that it was none of those things really. I just needed time. The horrid mistake he made was keeping me down there and pressuring me, because the more anyone pressures me about something I am exponentially less likely to consent; this was true even at that age. Had he handled it differently and had any knowledge whatsoever about what makes people tick, things could be very different right now, although I’m glad that they aren’t. The universe has a way of making things happen that are eventually supposed to happen. That is the one belief that I hold very dearly. And if it did have anything to do with my mother’s verbal hesitance, then I should thank her for the foresight.

At any rate to make a long story short, when I was watching the episode where Gene Simmons goes through a mock demonstration of what marines in basic training go through…when I observed the supposed monstor of rock acquiese to someone half his age screaming at him for the sake of entertainment, it simply made me glad of some of the choices I made when I was younger.   

I had always been under the impression that the most heartbreaking thing I have yet to experience in my lifetime was either relationships, or choosing not to have a child when the accidental opportunity arose (to be clear, experiencing the death of loved people is, I believe, in a completely different category than just heartbreak). I was wrong.

Today was the day for x-rays and a potential answer for what is now wrong with my best Sadie friend. I spent the drive to Carnation (technically, it’s Duvall, I guess) doing my best to muster a positive attitude. I reminded myself that when you take on the responsibility of loving a pet, you might have to be the one to eventually ferry them out of the world. I reminded myself that many things are treatable nowadays, even for animals. I reminded myself that sometimes things can seem really serious at first, but may turn out to be something small or easily corrected. I reminded myself that my Dad was going to meet me there to be with me and the Sadie. I thought about all these things and actually was successful in changing my outlook prior to getting to the vet.

I was painfully early, and as it turned out so was my Dad. They weighed her first, and despite the fact that she seems more bony than ever (despite the gobs of food that I feed her daily in an attempt to increase her weight) she has gained weight. That made me even more hopeful. They escorted us to a room, and being that we were painfully early we waited there for at least an hour before the vet came in to see her. While waiting, my Dad saw how hard it had become for her to get up, he had to listen to me tell the assistant all the symptoms of what I was seeing now…and he got upset. She isn’t even his dog and it made him teary to see what she was going through. On a side note: this is part of what I love about my entire family…we truly care about the things that other family members care about.

Finally the vet came in and took a look at her; he hypothesized that the weight she has at this time was water weight which is apparently indicative of a tumor. I actually was holding it mostly together until he said that word…tumor. Then I lost it…and my Dad lost it a little more. The vet also mentioned that what was going on with her is that she is losing muscle mass, which is why it is so hard for her to get up. Apparently if there is a tumor her body would be using up whatever she ate so fast, regardless of how much she was eating, that it would also move on to her muscles. Also, tumors can apparently grow so quickly that even though she had x-rays not even a month ago…one could have developed in that short time. When it came time to do x-rays with her to see if a tumor was visible, the vet actually picked her up and carried her into the back (this reminded me of why I drive an hour to see this particular vet).

We mostly waited in silence for the vet to bring Sadie girl back, and then to wait for the results. And I did my best to cuddle her on the linoleum floor that she couldn’t get up from. It was pretty awful.

Interestingly though, when he brought the x-rays back, he asked how much, exactly, she’d had to eat recently. I mentioned that my neighbor had her last night and knowing that she’s having weight issues, fed her generously…and that she’d also had breakfast. He showed us the x-rays and what we saw was some ribs, and what looked like a whole lot of food. Which is good…but also bad. All that food caused the results to be inconclusive; he couldn’t tell anything really. What I have to do now is avoid feeding her after about 2pm tomorrow and then take her back on Monday afternoon. This also, is good and bad. Good in that, I still have time to hope that it is something less serious than a tumor…bad, in that, if that’s what it is, it just prolongs the “dealing with it for real” moment. Also bad because I know that she’s going to be painfully hungry tomorrow evening.

But then I came home and did my own research online. I found something called cushings disease, which can manifest itself by increased water consumption, increased appetite, abdomninal enlargement (the “water weight”), and hair loss/thin skin. Cushings disease has something to do with the natural steroid-like chemicals in a dog’s body and therefore, if a dog is on steroids for something else it seems reasonable that a dog might develop this as a result. Maybe. I don’t know. All I know is that this is significantly less serious than a tumor.

There are two things that I know after today:

1. My family is so wonderful. Today my Dad sat at the vet with me for hours, so patiently, just to be there and be supportive. He even cried with me. I’m so lucky for the people that care about me (and that care about my dogs even).
2. Little Lola knows that something is wrong. She is never more than a millimeter away from Sadie recently.