VD

One of my best friends sent me a text message today that read “happy veeedeee”. It was the funniest thing I’d experienced all day (with exception of a somewhat “politically incorrect” joke my Dad made that I will choose to not repeat). Oh p.s., the text that she sent me was not indicative of anything…just in case it needs to be said.

I’ve never been a raving fan of Valentine’s day. I suppose in grade school it was fun to open up all the Valentine cards that everyone was forced to purchase and give away. In retrospect it seems that filling out approximately 30 of those cards up until the 6th grade was more work than the end result was really worth.

When I was 15 and started dating I recall thinking for a while that certainly with the added bonus of a boyfriend something exceptional and dazzling must happen on this holiday. Eventually I realized that it was pretty much just another day regardless of the relationship I was in. We might exchange small gifts, we would spend time together and do the “I love you’s’ and such but obviously it wasn’t particularly memorable since I am hard pressed to clearly remember any of those days. I do remember one in particular in the last few years that I suppose at the time felt special; looking back now though it was essentially just a day where I received pretty promises that were never fulfilled…completely demonstrative of the entire relationship I might add. The last Valentine’s day that I was in a relationship was pretty bad (coincidentally the same relationship as the pretty promise holiday). I won’t go into the details but it was just…not good.

I have now been essentially single for the past couple of V-days and I’ve been fine with it. I no longer have unrealistic expectations as when I was a teenager and I have no issue with not being in a relationship on the holiday. I don’t cry and lament that I’m single…I don’t insist on going out with my single friends armed with the ulterior motive of wanting to meet someone so that I’m not “alone”. I’m okay with it. Today was surprisingly the best Valentine’s day I’ve had in a long while. I spent it with my entire immediate family and it was fun…especially after the long week I’ve had. We ate dinner, we hung out at my Dad’s house for a while just talking and being together which we don’t do as much as we should. It was good. I could have gone out with my Mom and sister but I was tired and chose to come home to my girls (aka the wacko canines that also reside in my tiny apt).

It was a good week all in all, especially after the tiny epiphany I had the other night. The thing is a few years of not talking to someone can have a side effect of making them look better than when you left them. Sometimes people have the capacity to change at their very core, in how they think, how they behave, how they treat others…I’ve come to think that it’s the exception however. Time can sometimes trick one into seeing that in someone when it’s not really there. I realized something else during the conversation that afforded me the epiphany…I’m single right now because I choose not to settle. I choose not to settle for a relationship that doesn’t entirely fit, I choose not to settle for someone that treats me in a way that I can’t appreciate, I choose not to settle for someone that happens to not have the qualities that I would appreciate in a relationship, I choose not to settle for a lot of things. And that’s entirely okay.

Affirmative…it was a good holiday after a good week.

How blind we can be

It continues to amaze me. Even at the “wise old” age of almost 31, it amazes me.

The other evening Kait and I were talking about various things, this and that. Somehow we got onto the subject of people we both had dated recently. Long story short she said at some point, “I’m so excited to see who you will meet next”. I’m not sure what I said in response, probably because I was half lost in my own thoughts.

And all I could think after she said that was, “I’m not that excited about it, really”. I didn’t say it out loud, I know that at least. (To be fair I also thought, ‘wow, I have a great friend, who is excited for me’.) There are a few things I’m not excited about, and I know that it’s not healthy/positive/well-adjusted to think that way in some points of view.

It actually caused me to think about a conversation I had a couple of weeks ago. A surprising one. It was a conversation with the alleged “moron”. As it turns out, he isn’t such a moron after all. As it turns out I may have been incorrect about the conversations that took place prior to, and after, the offending incident as well. During the end result conversation that was had a few weeks ago this was all brought up…what was believed to have been said, what was said, and what was not said. Long story short, at some point I inquired about what I allegedly said by asking, “why would I say that?” (Really, the details are not that important, the whole point of it is important). His answer? “I don’t know…you’re scared?”

Oh.

And I can’t really recall if I responded directly to what he said (I get lost in my thoughts a lot), but if I did, it would have been simply, “oh”.

I often realize at various moments of humanity and interaction with others that we are completely see through, although we often don’t want to realize that we are. I think though, I had forgotten that applies to me as well as everyone else. It was when he said that…someone who really doesn’t know me that well at all…that I realized how obvious that fear was. It was humbling, this conversation. Much easier to blame others for supposed unrealized expectations than it is to take responsibility for the part we had to play in those unrealized expectations. It’s hard to swallow.

This is where the “I’m not that excited about it” thought comes from; fear, cynicism, jaded beliefs about relationships. It’s hard to fully realize that the possible root of the whole issue comes from not being okay with things when they’re not on my terms…my “terms” being painted with guarded thoughts. It’s easy to placate myself with thoughts that I can’t respect people that get intimate with me without (in my perception) any forethought to whether they care about me or not, or whether they have any real interest. All the while though I don’t think that deeply about my own actions and what they say to someone else. It’s convenient to decide that when someone makes the choice to date multiple people at a time, that that’s just ’more casual’ than I really want to be involved in, regardless of all the positive things about them. It’s even easier for me to end up not respecting someone for getting intimate and then (in my perception) feeling as if they claim too much of me, too soon. And all the while those jaded thoughts are most likely creating a veritable canvas of intrusion into what’s really going on.

What it comes down to is that it becomes very easy to push people away. It also comes down to I-thought-about-relationships-a-lot-after-I-watched-Sisterhood-of-the-traveling-pants-II. (I know…and I don’t care how it sounds). It made me think about relationship stuff and all that. (As an aside, it was nice to think about when I watched the first one…I bought it on DVD for my mom, I think for Mother’s day one year. No one else wanted to watch it with us, they all went to bed or did other things…but I stayed and watched it with her and it was a really good time.)

It was a good day

And I didn’t actually expect it to be considering what day it was. It was Jen’s day.

• I chatted with my mom for a few spells today and it was nice, just to chat about this and that. I got to hear about something that made her really happy, and really smile, and that made me feel peaceful and happy too. There really are some men out there that are wonderful (okay, I knew that already).
• I learned that I received an A on both of the assignments that I did last week. Week four, it was, of my online class (bold and italic because it is a serious struggle to me each week that I make it through in college cyber world right now).  Out of six prior assignments I had only received one A. Really, it’s as if I have two classes in one. I received the following comments on said assignments (I’m “getting the hang of it” after four weeks…great):

Great job with the paper!  You writing style, APA formatting, and depth of content was quite good.  I look forward to more like this one!

Good job!  I think you are getting the hang of this.  Half of making a good grade in this class is knowing what is expected of you and being able to provide that in an educated manner—you are getting that part down nicely! You are meeting the learning objectives for the course.  Overall, very well done!

• I remembered my Jen on my own, and I think that was what I needed to do. There was a memorial for her this evening and circumstances were such that it didn’t work out for me to go. I’ve been sick and couldn’t really leave work early because there are things that must be done regardless of what I have going on personally so I didn’t get out of there until almost 6 tonight. Multiply that by my recent lethargy from dodging significantly worse symptoms than I could have ended up with had I not stayed home for a bit, and it equals not being able to sit there and cry for hours with others. I will admit that a few times today when I thought about what day it was and then thought about the fact that I didn’t even know what happened until the next day, I teared up and got upset. Thankfully I had weeks before blocked today out for paperwork/catching up not even thinking about what actual date it was so I was free to be teary all on my own at work. I think you never stop missing people and I think that they get carried with us; it’s something that doesn’t go away. Selfishly I wish that it hadn’t been time yet for me to learn that lesson with a close friend lost; I’ve learned it with family (granted, not immediate family), but obviously if it had been up to me it wouldn’t have been time yet to learn it about someone like her.
• People close to me thought of me today because they knew what day it was. I am so fortunate and sometimes I’m not quite sure how I became so when it comes to the people in my life. I started seeing my therapist a year ago when I was struggling with how to deal with losing Jen; I remember her asking me very directly whether I was having any thoughts at all of doing the same thing (because some people after losing someone close by suicide have thoughts of doing the same thing). I’m glad she asked because it forced me to think about it. I wasn’t having any thoughts like that but when I had to think about it I realized on an even deeper level my gratitude that the feelings of love and pleasure that I got out of life outweighed any sadness or pain to the point where I would continue to choose life; to where I couldn’t imagine not choosing it because what I would miss out on are the fabulous people that are in my life.
• Today just made me grateful for pretty much everything; and it was the seemingly small things about today that did it.

Thursday Thirteen #10

Thirteen Guilty Pleasure Shows That I Enjoy

1. 90210: I grew up with it…I can’t help it. I cried on the phone with my friends in junior high when it was over. It will always have a special place in my heart. And I will admit it, I wanted to be Brenda Walsh because she had the cute boyfriend…and I was sick with jealousy when Peanut’s mom let her out of school to go see Luke Perry and mine didn’t.

2. The O.C.: I discovered it when I was an adult. I have no excuses whatsoever.

3. One Tree Hill: Again…I was an adult, officially…no excuse.

4. Bad Girls Club: Yes, it’s a full on reality show, the worst kind that capitalizes off of “female drama”. But I love it, and I can’t help it.

5. My So-Called Life: I sort of grew up with this one too. “Angela Chase” was awkward and unsure, just like we all were. We related.

6. Party of Five: Also, from childhood. I heart-ed the7. Salingers.

7. Gilmore Girls: This was from adulthood. The t.v. relationship that the two had was terribly attractive to someone who is a daughter; but in reality I truly love the relationship that I do have with my mom which is, well, real.

8. Dawson’s Creek: It was just cute, that’s all.

9. Friends: I’m quite unsure as to whether this counts as a “guilty pleasure” show…probably not, because I’ve met other adults who absolutely adore it even though it’s sadly over.

10. Buffy The Vampire Slayer: They portrayed her as tough…what can I say?

11. The Real World: I still love it. I think I always will.

12. America’s Next Top Model: Out of anyone, I should really not be a fan of this show. But I still am.

13. Tori & Dean Home Sweet Hollywood: The only explanation that I have is that at least on television, it’s that he just seems to love her so much. It’s probably why I watch it.

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