Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

Was an absolute ton of fun, as is demonstrated here. I have some great friends; I’m lucky.

So, I’d actually totally forgotten that today was Valentine’s Day until I got to work and someone said “Happy Valentine’s Day”. I’ll be honest, it sort of irritated me. Not because I’m boo-hooing about being single or anything, because I actually enjoy the fact that I am. Valentine’s Day has always sort of irritated me.

I got home today and while checking my mail ran into one of my neighbors. He felt it necessary to say “Happy Valentine’s Day” to which I responded “meh”. Then he said something interesting: “well, it has to be better than last year, right?” I thought for a moment about lovey holidays past and couldn’t, for the life of me, remember what I was doing last year. After my pause he said “you do remember, don’t you?” I actually didn’t.

All he had to say was one word and it came flooding back; that word was Jason. Oh, yeah. My lame boyfriend at the time completely ditched me on Valentine’s Day last year. Or rather, he started out ditching me, I think because while waiting for him to be done with work I went somewhere up the street for a bit with my friends. I think it offended him; we got into a fight, and despite my pleas that he avoid doing so, he ditched me, technically. Granted, some time later that evening he ended up at my apartment, but it remained a pretty crummy Valentine’s Day if one had any expectations whatsoever. He didn’t even get me a card. He didn’t even make one.

In a way I was a bit glad that my neighbor reminded me of that. It reminded me that I’m glad I left, and that I’m glad I haven’t ’settled’ for someone since. It helped me remember that I’m doing okay…more than okay. I don’t need to cling to anyone to feel okay, which is more than I can say for some of the men that I’ve known in my lifetime thus far.

However, there is one thing that has nagged at me all day since lunchtime. There is a moment that exists which is most telling; and it was probably only telling for me. There can be one time that you look in someone’s eyes and say to yourself…oh no. That happened to me today. ’Oh no’, meaning if I act and it’s reciprocated, I will pass the point of no return, which in some situations is okay…but in others, it may not be so okay. Sometimes I worry about my boundaries…sometimes I worry that the part of me that wants what I want, has the capacity to ignore how things might hurt others. But I’m guessing that most people probably struggle with this at times; it’s just a matter of how one navigates from that point on I suppose.

That all said…the only reason I really like Valentine’s Day this year was due to the email I got from my most wonderful mom.  

I’ve never been much of a fan of New Year’s resolutions in the way that they’re supposed to be commonly made. ‘I will do such-and-such.’ Right. Having successfully taken statistics I could probably, if I sat down and really wanted to spend the time, figure out the percentage chance I had of making a "resolution" really happen. Rather than making New Year’s resolutions I have chosen instead, to make a good faith effort for absolution, if at all possible.

The core of resolutions, really, is that we were somewhat unhappy with how we were the previous year. But instead of really making an effort to do what we can in repairing past events, we usually instead look only to the future of what we ‘can’ do. I already know what I ‘can’ do. I just didn’t do those things this year. I already know what kind of person I want to be, I just may not have done that this year to my fullest potential (in fact, I know I haven’t done that this year to my fullest potential). It’s more like a ‘fourth step’ really, the kind that they work on in 12-step programs.

I’d rather take a true and honest look at what I’ve done this year and how I’ve impacted people that in retrospect I’m unhappy with. That’s what I intend to do. Including family, friends, and even acquaintances that I’m not incredibly close to. By doing so, in a way, I’ve already made my resolutions…see? Instead of making false promises of what I want to do, I feel like it’s better to make the attempt at least of mending things I’ve done in the past year that had a negative impact on others. People may not be receptive, and that’s just something that I will have to respectfully accept.

This past year I’ve experienced more loss, in some ways, than I have since I was a senior in high school. I lost a best friend to death in the most tragic way someone could be lost and I lost someone that I loved (and if I want to be honest am not totally over loving) due to how things had gone and were going (and I just had to finally admit that it probably wasn’t going to work out…that it was too painful for both of us the way it was going). Only after the fact did I learn the kind of pain my best friend was going through, and I’m still feeling the guilt of not having any iota of a sense of that pain when she was alive. People are important; they’re more important than jobs, money…than most anything. The fact that we could lose them at any time depending on what the universe has in store means that we should treasure them when they’re here and for the time that they’re a part of our life. I didn’t always do that this year with the people that are (or were) in my life. For that I’m sorry, and the only thing I can do is do my best to make amends for that and do better this year.

I don’t want to bring this year in with alcohol which is the popular way to do so. I don’t even have a true desire to bring it in with a party that hopes to color the beginning of the year with good natured hopes. I’d prefer to bring it in while in the process of trying to better myself if I possibly can. You have to look back sometimes, in order to go forward.

(P.S. Totally off the subject in every way possible…but one of my favorite movies now is Goodfellas. :) )