I used to write poems

I’m not saying they were all that great. I’m just saying that I used to write them, which is something. It is something because writing begets more writing. If it’s silly and meaningless at first it still has a purpose because it leads to other things that are much more great. I found this during my project of importing my livejournal entries into my wordpress.

i wanted you to hit me again to finish what you started.

i wanted you to hit me until whatever it was that allowed me to love you fell out onto the floor for both of us to see

for me to see so i might see it for how ugly it was so i couldn’t hide it deep in my bones anymore.

when i first laid eyes on you i thought i saw the potential for beauty in your face in puppy dog eyes like waking in the middle of the night because my body wants to know you’re next to me

like take out and rented movies and shutting the whole world out because you would be bigger than the world.

i wanted to love you like it was my religion.

i wanted you to hit until all the control that i took into my veins let me loose in exponential measures of time so that i was free to think

free from my own cage free to name my own emotions.

i wanted you to hit me until i couldn’t see your face anymore that used to be pretty.

i wanted you to hit me until the hurt turned into a wild fury that i couldn’t reign in

until i was so blind with rage that i hit you back to take that righteousness away from you like hitting you back for all the tyranny i accepted for all the terror you sold me like a drug,

like hitting you back in this moment for all the times my Mother never had the strength to hit back. like realizing the strength she gave me from womb to fist like getting physical payback from hand to mind, as if she knew someday i would stare you down like that.

i wanted tangible gifts to take with me for every time my body would tense in answer to the question of someone’s anger of someone’s tight face of moving too quickly too closely.

i wanted restitution for a skewed sense of balance

for not knowing anymore who to fear or who to embrace, for avoiding the wrong things for wanting the wrong things

like a man i met on the street once who said “you ain’t afraid of a black man from arizona?”

“no”, i said.

what i didn’t tell him was that i know where true danger lies because i fear a man that put the name love on his hatred and delivered his kiss through an open hand.

i fear my own sickness worse yet that lets me love him still.

Keep in mind that at the time that I wrote it I was listening to a lot of spoken word and was also a bit more young (and therefore a bit more ‘dramatic’).

The Secret

A client told me about this; they watched it in a therapeutic type setting elsewhere than my agency. I was intrigued therefore I netflixed it.

This is something I can put my mind around. Probably I would not have been able to had I been presented with it at some prior time. Incidentally enough though people who care about me have been touting similar ideas for some time now.

When one focuses on the negative, or ‘what keeps happening that I don’t want to happen anymore’, one is putting that energy out into the universe. For instance if I am in debt and I continue to focus on how in debt I am that is the energy that I am releasing. It is negative and more debt is what I will get. If instead, I focus on the manifestation of being out of debt, which is prosperity then prosperity is what I will eventually get.

All that we are is the result of what we have thought (Buddha)

Essentially if we are: in debt, unhappy in relationships, unhappy with our job, or unsatisfied with our financial situation, we are more likely to focus on that, even in trying to come up with a solution to the problem. By focusing on the problem though, the energy we put out is likely to be negative.

If, instead, we focus on the solution which would be: a satisfying loving relationship, a more satisfying job, or a more prosperous financial situation then the energy that we put out, based on what we are visualizing, will be positive.

It’s the law of attraction, we attract what we put out. I get that; it makes sense, and if I had the energy at this late hour I would come up with personal experiences to back it up.

In short, as silly as it might sound, after watching that movie I realize that what so many people have been telling me, and what I have experienced, is possibly true. If I focus on the negative I am more likely to draw the negative to me; if I focus on the positive I am more likely to draw the positive to me.

What we want and what we focus on, is what we attract. It might actually be that simple.

I heart quantum physics.  

States that I have visited thus far

Albeit, some have been in passing because when I was much younger I accompanied a close friend and her family on a drive across the US as they were moving from Seattle to Wisconsin. At any rate, I have been to these states (this was motivated by my recent ‘things I want to do’ list):

1. Washington (clearly)
2. Oregon (Mostly to visit Kelly)
3. California
4. Idaho
5. Nevada (Mostly with My Colin)
6. Montana
7. Wyoming
8. Utah
9. Arizona (I actually went there in high school)
10. Colorado
11. Texas (I went there with my Mom) :)
12. North Dakota
13. South Dakota
14. Iowa
15. Missouri
16. Wisconsin
17. Illinois
18. Indiana
19. Michigan (I went there to visit my Indian family)
20. Ohio
21. Pennsylvania
22. New Jersey (The boardwalk is much fun)
23. New York (I went there in high school as well)
24. Minnesota (That’s where my mom is from)

So, I was more than accurate when I assumed that I was at least 1/3 of the way there. In fact, I’m 48% of the way there which is much more optomistic.

Thursday Thirteen #7

Thirteen Things I Would Like To Do Before I’m No Longer Here To Do Them Anymore

1. Visit Amsterdam, and Italy
2. Obtain my Master’s degree
3. Own a house (regardless of how small), so I can have my own garden
4. Own my own business
5. Fly a plane (they don’t have to be completely realistic)
6. Quit smoking (clearly, that needs to be sooner rather than later…in fact it shouldn’t even be on this list, but I put it on here anyway)
7. Forgive myself for certain things that I haven’t forgiven myself for yet
8. Know what it feels like to have a true partner
9. Learn to speak a foreign language
10. Learn to dance really well
11. Visit all of the 50 states (I feel like I’m at least 1/3 of the way there already)
12. Learn to ski
13. Learn to play the piano

 Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments.

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I have moved Ladyblog

It is now known as Ladyblog2. It’s fitting…however the only reason it’s Ladyblog2 is due to ‘Ladyblog’ already being taken on wordpress. Whatever.

At any rate, my photo blog is now on wordpress too. It’s neat. I love it. And you should visit it.

I apologize ahead of time for the fact that much of the text is broken up on previous posts. I don’t have the time to try to change each and every post to make it aesthetically pleasing.