Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

I am not balanced. My life is not balanced, my time is not balanced, my emotions are not balanced-my home isn’t even balanced. My health is not balanced. I need to quit smoking & plan to do so by 9/1. I need to eat in a balanced way & plan on hitting my P up for vegetarian advice. I need to exercise regularly rather than spottily.

I can’t pinpoint exactly what it was that caused this to finally hit my radar when I woke up this morning (did it really take almost 30 years???). Maybe it was the argument that I had with my neighbor last night. I am not balanced so therefore I sometimes allow people in my life that aren’t balanced. Maybe it was the fact that I couldn’t continue school this quarter. I couldn’t keep at something that’s really important to me because I didn’t go at it the right way to begin with. Maybe it’s the ultimate frustration of being broke at the moment. My finances aren’t balanced-otherwise I wouldn’t be broke right now. Maybe it’s the feeling of rejection I can get from something as stupid as an unanswered text msg. Especially when the not answering doesn’t have anything at all to do with me. If everything in my life had some semblance of balance I wouldn’t focus so much on whether someone reciprocated something & I wouldn’t ever catch myself trying to analyze what someone else may or may not be thinking. I would analyze what I’m thinking and recognize what I want and would then say ‘what will be will be’.

It’s the difference between being the rock in the ocean that just sits there letting the waves crash against it and being the driftwood that goes with the waves rather than fighting them. I need to be the driftwood-eventually it ends up where it’s supposed to be. The rock doesn’t get to go anywhere.

At this point I have two choices in order to preserve myself and avoid eventually driving my life into a train wreck. I can balance it all out or I can choose the wall. I thought about the wall this morning as well. I actually pictured it. It would be very tall-impossible to climb-would stand about five feet in front of me at all times and on it in incredibly fancy 100 pt font would say ‘this is where the chance-to-mess-with-Kelly’s-head ride stops’. I quickly realized the problems with that option:

1. It’s not healthy,
2. I would only be shortchanging myself,
3. I would continue to be the rock that doesn’t get to go anywhere,
4. it’s the easy way out-a way to avoid doing the hard work, and
5. It’s not other people that mess with my head-it’s me.

In school we’ve had discussions about the "intentional counselor"-someone who is able to see all the options of how best to navigate the next step in therapy with a client and who is able to intentionally choose and carry it out. I need to be the intentional person in my life. It takes way too much energy to fly by the seat of my pants all the time. It takes way too much energy to fight against life all the time. There is only so much I can control really. As far as other people go, all I can do is let them know where I stand and if they want to come along for the ride then they do…if not, then oh well. I just recently had a refresher course on that one after being the only one out of two fighting to make something more happen after a million years-I learn everything the hard way. Everything. I’ve gotten pretty tired of that too.

Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm, and harmony. ~Thomas Merton

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

-Robert Frost

I have decisions to make that are taxing and ones that I wish I could avoid despite that they are five years in the making. Sometimes I try to stall by asking for advice from friends. Someone said to me the other day that if you have to ask a friend for advice in some cases…you probably already know the answer but just don’t want to face up to it.

They were right.

It all comes together. Really. Not right away usually, but eventually.

The zoloft doesn’t make everything perfect and okay. It doesn’t mean I’m going to be constantly happy. It just makes it so that I can actually handle things as opposed to crumbling. It’s a nudge every day reminding me that I’m strong.

For example, when I’m stupid and my wallet/debit card/credit cards disappear and someone drains my bank account I don’t crumble. I cancel my cards and go on about my day to enjoy my family. I remember that there are things I cannot control and that if something happened, it happened and it’s done…it’s not reversible and there’s no point ruminating on it. I call my bank the next day in between clients and find out what I have to do to get my money back and corral any further check activity…then I go and do my Monday group and I give them 100%, nothing less. I continue to go on about my day, albeit broke, and I go on a walk with K, then get inspired to draft her into learning Yoga Booty Ballet with me…and we have the most wonderful time, pledging to continue and get better. I worry not about the fact that my rent check will bounce since it will take a while for my bank to reverse the fraudulent charges. I just continue and be happy while doing so.

I can take an experience for what it is without worrying so much about what might happen in the future that I forget to enjoy the moment. Enjoy the moment and then let it go. Deal with any frustration, anger, or hurt and then let it go. Or deal with being happy just for that moment and then let it go. Remember that I have no control over what someone does or does not do to me…if someone does something that I get hurt over then they do so and the only thing I can control is whether or not they have the opportunity to do it again in the future.

At my last check-up appointment my Dr. asked me how I was feeling about taking the zoloft. I told him that I was actually thinking about tapering off of it because I feel okay. It’s summer and that’s the best time to stop taking them if one is going to try doing so. He suggested that since it was only fairly recently that I really began to feel okay on it that I should consider continuing to take it. He then reminded me that winter will soon follow and that he wouldn’t advise that I stop at that point either. His suggestion was to stay on it until at least next spring. And I was okay with that because I trust him and I trust his opinion.

It wasn’t until today that I realized the true reason I was so okay with his suggestion. Because for now it allows me to handle life successfully until I feel really ready to handle it without meds. I get it.