I stopped taking anti-depressants and became bi-polar.
Or so it would seem. In actuality it could probably be described as the most hideous form of PMS that one could imagine.
No, it wasn’t the recommended thing to do. No, it’s not what my doctor and I went over. In fact, when I tell him how the “taper” went he’ll probably lecture me as if I’m ten years old again. I imagine he won’t be too pleased. What’s done is done though. It’s been at least a week and a half; likely, it’s been longer than that considering I haven’t been consistent about taking them for at least 2 months…I don’t put a lot of stock in my ability to really pinpoint the exact day I took the last one.
After what I thought to be at least 3-4 days (long enough to start noticing the tingly feeling in my limbs) my brain said, well…it’s been this long, what can it hurt? (No, at that point I was not considering the potential consequences for those unfortunate enough to be in my vicinity for the next month…my bad, and more on that later maybe). I neglected to devote any amount of time exploring the potential, and likely, side effects. I conviently (or not so conveniently maybe) blocked out the couple of times I’ve tried to do it this way before (with exception of noticing, and being pleased, that this time the walls didn’t appear to be melting before my very eyes…I’ve plain forgotten which anti-depressant caused that). I applied neither foresight or hindsight.
It hasn’t been terribly traumatic. Although if I consider an hour from now whether it’s been traumatic I might very well say something different.
Today I spent some time e-browsing what I’ve been experiencing. I wasn’t previously aware that there was such a website as drug rehab wiki. I’m fascinated by this. Apparently, there is “wiki” everything now. Additionally it fascinated me that some websites suggest entering a detox facility for use or “addiction” of sertraline (aka Zoloft). I suppose that should be another validation to demonstrate that it was plain stupid to simply stop taking it. I’m choosing against using the knowledge that way. At any rate, today I read about my symptoms:
- Irritability: Irritability seems a much milder term than how I would phrase it. One website that I came across used the term “aggression” which I feel is much more accurate (although I couldn’t find the website again). I routinely become discouraged when I see people doing stupid things…multiply that by about 10,000 right now. I became aggressive (“irritated”) on the phone today at work with a complete stranger from another treatment center because they called me three times in a 24-hour period. I felt aggressive towards the barista at Starbucks this morning simply because, after noticing me noticing the new art on the walls, he started talking about how it was done by a girl that works there. I felt aggressive when I was told today that the guys who changed the oil on my car this weekend cleaned up the front a little (aka ‘going through my stuff’ in my temporarily damaged brain). Ridiculous. Even more ridiculous was the momentary thought I had today where I painted all prescribers of medication as being in on some plot to give everyone anti-depressants so that we would notice all the stupidity in the world a little less and hopefully not care as much.
- Emotional instability: Um…yeah. Just a tad. Seeing today that every one of my other farmville friends has all their little buildings constructed and I still have three that aren’t complete made me feel bad (farmville for christ’s sake). I cried at work today (at my primary job) because I was asked to make copies of leases (for my secondary job) for the main office that has access to the same website they’re printed from that I do. I became very upset during channel surfing when I caught a tidbit of that show where they construct new houses for people…I felt guilty that I can’t make a new house for my mom. I won’t even go into the efforts that I’ve made lately to avoid thoughts of past events/issues that might cause strong emotional responses (too bad for me that my timing is awesome considering that it’s Jen’s birthday tomorrow). For the moment, I can go from mad to sad to guilty to okay to mad again in about 0 to 2 seconds (I bet this makes you really want to hang out with me right now.)
- Anxiety: Today when visiting the Payless on 3rd avenue I was almost convinced that I would probably get shot. Although I didn’t, by definition, have a panic attack I still equate this silly thought to anxiety due to the fact that this past year, when actually having a panic attack, I was convinced of the same when waiting for a bus in that area.
- Malaise: Dictionary.com provides a definition of malaise as, “a vague or unfocused feeling of mental uneasiness, lethargy, or discomfort”. The seemingly open-ended, “vague” definition of this confuses me. Which brings me to…
- Confusion: If ‘broken thoughts’ and somewhat of a disconnect between thoughts and speech when interacting with others can be defined as ‘confusion’, then sure, I suppose there’s some of that too.
That’s what I’ve noticed. However, I don’t think it’s all bad. Plus, it certainly can’t get any worse than it’s been. The only way things can go at this point, is up.
Part of my job is to teach people how to deal with life without drugs. Granted when I’m at work, ‘drugs’ equal cocaine/heroin/meth/benzos and not ’anti-depressants”. Here’s the thing though…I don’t like depending on a substance to make it okay for me to be alive in the world and handle things. I realize and fully acknowledge that depression is not a choice and people diagnosed as such don’t just wake up one day and say, “I don’t want to be depressed anymore so everything is going to be okay”. When I was told that was my issue and I made the choice to start anti-depressants I did so with the hope that time on the meds would level out my brain enough so that at some point I had a better starting point (foundation maybe?) than I had when I was told I needed them. My preference is to manage it myself and who knows? I might find that I’m not able to do that. If so, that’s fine. God knows I don’t think less of anyone that is held hostage by their brain and needs to be on them indefinitely in order to have some normalcy. Just for me though, my hope is that somehow enough time has gone by to where I can do this. If time tells me that I can’t then okay, I give. I didn’t do it the right way to begin with and I take responsibility for that, but at least at this point even with all the aggression/instability, etc. I’m still confident that I can. It’s manageable enough right now to where I’m not going to really go crazy on anyone, I’m not going to off myself (disclaimer: I’ve never been at that point) and I think I now have a fairly okay tool set to handle what my brain is doing. I certainly would not recommend that anyone disengage from those kinds of meds like this, but that’s what I did. We’ll see how it goes.
“Some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your own soul.” -Ezra Taft Benson
