‘Tis true. It’s something valuable I picked up from my P-that quote from Mr. Herbert. I think of it often. Specifically just that first phrase is what runs through my mind. Recent events have increased the rate of fear-based thoughts. Odd considering that recent events have been pretty wonderful.
Today when I got home I. Was. Tired. Tired, tired. So, even though I was expecting company in the very near future I laid down, read for a bit, and was passed out (complete with drool) within minutes. When I woke up it was almost 5:30 and I was under the impression that the person I was expecting would have been there almost an hour prior. The MO of my imagination is to always default to the worst possible scenario. The absolute worst (obviously I cause myself a lot of undue stress sometimes). To be fair though, when under the impression that the person you have fallen ridiculously in love with (again, which is its own long story) is an hour late and it’s a guarantee that they would call if they were later than they expected to be in the first place…you tend to worry. Couple that with my default imagination thing and it equals panic.
I know it sounds insane to mentally go from 0 to 60 within a few seconds but trust me, I’m capable of it. The worst part of it really was that split second crazy thought of what if something happened to him and I never see him again. It’s possible that it’s not just my imagination that caused that kind of thought today. There’s a part of my mind that finds things ‘hard to believe’ when it comes to relationships and matters of the heart. Sure, it’s a cliche…the whole ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ thing but it applies to me. Thinking that I’ve possibly found that person that I never want to part from is a little hard to swallow for me. Is it really possible? Are they going to change their mind for some reason at some point so that everything that’s been said is all of a sudden non-applicable? Are they going to do something that’s murderously hurtful at some point? Worse yet, am I going to do something to ruin it at some point?
Here’s the thing…when it really comes down to it I have full confidence that he wouldn’t do something to hurt me and that the things that have been said come from an incredibly genuine place. It’s just the nagging ‘old tapes’ that play sometimes still that remind me, you’ve thought similar things before and look where it put you.
Here’s the other thing that has zero to do with any of my weird issues…loving someone that way is exciting, refreshing, and brilliant while at the same time being a little scary. Scary, not necessarily because of what one or the other person might or might not do, but because of what life might do or not do. Thinking about committing to someone the way it’s been talked about recently means taking a lot of chances in general. Hopefully this comes across as a tad bit of realistic thinking (in a blog that’s been taken up with a lot of crazy thinking) rather than demonstrably negative…because really, stuff happens. We can imagine scenarios where dreams come true and all that jazz but sometimes dreams don’t come to fruition precisely the way we wanted them to; sometimes they’re scant ideas of what we wanted or even altered realities of what we wanted. What if I spend my life with someone only to lose them to something that was beyond their control? What if I have kids and something happens to me that’s beyond my control so that I have to leave a family that I’ve created? Sure, this gets all muddied with issues of mortality and all that crud, but it’s reality. I’m probably not even making sense to be quite honest…it makes sense in my head.
Truth be told though, if given these two choices…to either be a part of (uncertainty be damned) or choose not to be a part of something (out of fear) I’d rather be a part of something. God knows that I don’t want to live a life ensconced in fear, afraid to take chances; because if I have even an inkling of a chance to have even more happiness than I’m having now by continuing to write the story regardless of what happens, then I choose to write the story.
Oh…and as it turns out I was incorrect regarding timelines today so no one was late after all-again, I worried for nothing. But at least I got to sort out some thoughts here as a result.
