There’s one reason that stands out to me as to why I’ve lasted as long as I have with the job that I do. I have what I would consider a somewhat admirable ability to remain relatively okay and keep it mostly together in a serious crisis. Only when it’s serious though. Put me in front of something seemingly small and it’s usually enough to derail me. I’ve done a lot of thinking as to why this is (because really…it’s pretty backwards) and I’m grateful that my P was able to put it in words for me that I agree with. It’s a product of growing up in a household where crisis was sort of routine. You eventually learn to cope with it in somewhat of a stride because if you don’t you end up crashing every single time someone gets hit, or hurt, or abused. Sometimes as a result, it’s the seemingly small stuff that can tend to cause abnormal anxiety and distress (which needless to say, can be incredibly frustrating on a daily basis).
This is not to say that I don’t cry if, for example, a family member ends up in the hospital; but truth be told the malfunction of being used to crisis seems to allow a grace period of getting through it without breaking down. This is good in its own way, but also bad. What it really means is that the breaking down doesn’t come until later…sort of like a rubber band that has been stretched for days and is finally allowed to give way.
I’m still on the fence as to whether this is good in the long run or not. Is it better to just initially break down and get it over with? Or is it better to hold it all together in crisis mode only to end up completely drained and in tears when things calm down?
imissthem said
You are blessed that you have insight and understanding. Knowing that you have support and soft places to land doesn’t hurt either :)
p said
It would be SO nice sometimes to just be able to go all googly and whacky and give up and have someone else take care of me. It’s like a fantasy of losing all control (and need to control) and just give it all up to somebody else. This problem of not being able to let go and give it up is again a product of childhood and also taints abilities to have partnership relationships in adulthood. I can’t think of any time as an adult during sex, during extreme BDSM play, during any damn time that I didn’t have that stupid voice in the back of my head reminding me that I have to maintain a modicum of control or else the world will end. My point is that I know exactly what you’re saying.
Last week when I almost cut off the top of my thumb at a catering job, I’m looking at it flapping around and so is everyone else and I’m starting to get that “i’m going to throw up or pass out” feeling and still I’m thinking at the same time- it’s going to be up to me to make sure I get to the hospital because no one else will be able to make the decision. Of course, they were able to make the decision for me but I just detest that I can’t go limp and let someone take care of me.
on another note, I think I may have finally got some stability in my meds again after screwing around for about three months with feeling like hell. I also think I’ve found a good herbalist woman in the north end to work on some adjunct therapy, salves, lotions, tinctures, etc. Let me know if there’s any herb/plant/pagan type things you might be looking for. love, p