I can drive from downtown Seattle to Everett via Aurora (aka hwy 99) and back and it literally is a trip down memory lane. All it takes is that stretch of “highway” (it is still called “highway” even though the city of Shoreline f-ed up their part of Aurora recently with it’s big britches). It’s fascinating to me, and the first time I noticed it was driving with my mom after her hair appt on the last holiday weekend up to Lake Stevens.
I noticed it again today on a trip to Shoreline for some errands, however I noticed it going southbound. The section between about 205th to approximately 85th is representative of high school and a short time after. As I’m driving that way I can think to myself (in no particular street numbered order): that’s the bar that Colin snuck Audrey and I into because he knew the bouncers although it isn’t called by the same name anymore…that’s where my mom began to find her freedom again and I was happy that she was doing so…that’s the Denny’s that we used to hang out in until wee hours of the morning drinking coffee and smoking and enjoying each other’s company because we were teenagers and wanted to feel like we were going out somewhere…that’s where my family and I spent a lot of time dancing and having fun hanging out together…that’s the restaurant that we went to after my high school graduation…that’s the drug motel that I went to after making the poor choice to accompany someone to pick up their strung out friend…that’s the restaurant that we went to for a birthday when my dad dressed up in his fruit o’ the loom grape costume (which at the time sort of embarrassed me because I, and Audrey who accompanied us, were teenagers at the time)…that’s the bar I went to for my 21st birthday after dinner at Red Robin (where I had my first legal drink as an adult with my dad and sisters) and had to be carried out by my ex and his sister because everyone in the bar knew my sister and bought me shots all night and I was dumb enough to drink them…that’s the auto shop that Audrey took her car to one day and it was a good day because I clearly remember singing along to songs in the car with her and having a smashing good time doing something mundane…that’s the place, and that’s the place, and so on.
For me, going anywhere north of 205th usually reminds me of not so good times. That’s the section that leads up to Everett. From 205th on I’m usually thinking things like: that’s the parking lot that I hid out in when trying to drive away and hide from a gruesome fight with G…there’s 112th which is the street that my apts used to be on which just happened to be the same street on the other side of Aurora that G decided to move to one of the times I tried to break up with him…there’s the car dealership parking lot where we had another fight that was horrible…there’s the motel he was staying at where I was stupid enough to be visiting him (foolishly thinking that if it wasn’t my place that we were at I could control whether I left or not when he freaked out a whole lot better than I could control him leaving my place if/when the same happened) where we had a fight a morning before going to work where I saw stars and thought I might pass out because he hit me so hard…there’s the bar that J and I went to the first year that I knew him and it was my birthday…there’s the restaurant J and I went to one random day and had a really nice time…there’s the street that I would take a right on from hwy 99 to get to where I was staying with J for a while…that’s the place, and that’s the place. To be quite honest, sometimes I would rather just not drive on that road at all.
Capitol Hill often reminds me fondly of high school as well even though Minnie’s is not on Broadway anymore (because often in high school we could also be found there; of course we were also there more often than not in our later teen and early twenty’s years as well)…unfortunately Capitol Hill/First Hill is also the birthplace of a more recent unpleasant memory. A memory that for some reason that I still can’t fathom was brought up by a friend in front of mixed company twice last night seemingly out of nowhere. It was seriously like being in the twilight zone and I had zero idea on how to handle it properly.
There’s one thing I do know…there are some things that I am really not handling all that well and I’m sure that most of it has to do with stuff that has been long lived in my life, all tied up in relationships and family and friends. There are tidy terms to sum up the actual behaviors (even though carrying out these behaviors is not all that tidy of an operation; anyone would agree that the feeling of drowning a bit is not very tidy)…ISOLATING is one of them, POOR CHOICES is another, RUMINATING is a creative one that I’m pretty fond of. I figure I might as well provide the words with capitol letters to grammatically reflect the power that they seem to have in real life.
What it all boils down to is that one of the important TASKS on Monday morning will be to start seeing a counselor again.
Sometimes it’s necessary, and this is one of those times. Thankfully I’m one of those that needs to go through a period of MALFUNCTION and UNHEALTHY BEHAVIOR before I wake up and realize what needs to happen (and of course, I write that with a sarcastic undertone to it).
