Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

1. If someone had ever told me that one day a friend would say that I had been ‘too nice’ during an interaction with a male (more specifically an email or letter) I would have laughed so hard I might have peed my pants. But that’s exactly what I was told this weekend. Usually I tend to be a little too harsh especially if I’m writing something and have time to think about what to say.

In response to a lack of response from a friend regarding a not-so-recent-anymore incident I wrote an email. I finally decided to write the email after being surprised a couple of times that I thought of the situation (only to immediately become irritated that I was thinking of it). I didn’t intend to ‘be nice’ necessarily; nor did I set out to be inappropriately unkind. I just wanted to tell the truth about how I felt and I did so. Short, uneventful story, I’m sure.

However, there is also the small matter of my need to have things analyzed…even after they’ve been sent or given. I have an almost obsessive desire for second (and sometimes third) opinions, mostly to answer the question of whether I was fairly reasonable or not in the expression of my thoughts and/or feelings. Kait was kind enough to be the editor this time. After she read it she looked at me as if to say…really? When she said, “okay…that was way too nice” all I could do was stare in confused disbelief. Well I’ll be. For once, I was “too nice”. For the record, I still haven’t put a judgment on it…I just said how I feel. The main reason I had someone else read it was to confirm that I wasn’t horribly irrational or unreasonable.

2. Jen’s birthday is tomorrow. Not that I ever got that jazzed about cinco de mayo as a holiday per se, but the thought occured to me the other day that if I ever wanted to be, it’s sort of ruined a bit. Not that I care about that part of it really…it’s that odd sort of thing that strikes you that you never thought might strike you.

3. After some recent contact from someone that used to be in my life I have done some pretty significant searching and pondering of myself. The other day I had a pretty good conversation about it with my best friend Kait. We talked for a while about fear, about relationships, and about sharing ourselves with other people. It’s hard to trust somebody, especially if you weren’t taught to be ready to trust someone. She said something to me, and if a sound was attached to it, the sound would be like a big huge gong resounding in my ears…(not exactly word for word) she said something to the effect of, yes we look at relationships in the filter of ourselves, but the important part of them is to realize that it’s about someone else’s life too, not just ours. We should protect ourselves, but we should also be cognizant of the fact that someone else’s issues, and fear are also a huge part of the equation. It’s hard to remember that when we’re in it. I have realized two things:

1. During the most significant intimate relationship in my life thus far I demonstrated the highest amount of fear that I possibly could have. There’s a few reasons for that.
2. The last time that I remember feeling as if I wasn’t completely alone, was during that relationship. As a sort of disclaimer, I routinely realize that I’m not alone…I have some absolutely wonderful friends and family. But when it comes to that feeling that you have a companion that’s on your side no matter what…it’s been a while since I felt that way. And this was a grave thing to realize. I’m not quite sure what to do with it to be quite honest. I regret that I felt the most fear in that relationship because as my Kait reminded me, the most important thing to remember in a relationship is that the little things don’t matter…at all…and in my most recent really long relationship I focused solely on the little things because I was too afraid to really put 100% into it and trust it. It’s a humbling thing to think about.

My P feels strongly about the following quote and I now realize why:

 I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. (Frank Herbert)

There are a lot of things that I need to get over.