Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

I’ve actually been posting to my photoblog. I might actually also keep up with it, because the weather is getting to that point where it’s optimum to take pictures.

Maybe we’re just supposed to settle, on some levels, when it comes to a relationship.

I have a new radio station that I listen to in the morning. 96.1. I found it by accident one day when I was setting my alarm. For some reason I wake up faster when I’m listening to stuff I haven’t heard in a while. The other morning they played a song by Tina Turner…the infamous ‘What’s Love Got to do With it’. I was in my bathroom fighting with my hair when it came on and I thought to myself, ‘what does it have to do with anything’? Seriously.

Most little girls grow up believing that there is some wonderful, charming, sweet, and fantastic male out there that will one day make everything so much better than it would be if we were single. Fairy tales are easy to blame (and there is mucho feminist criticism to back the blame up), but I think it might have something more to do with the collective society and what we learn from it.

This is certainly not to say that those expectations cause us to necessarily have unrealistic expectations of men (if, as it turns out, we are heterosexual). I sometimes wonder if maybe it causes us to have unrealistic expectations of feelings, which is decidedly different.

So we meet someone and maybe we have this great connection that would clearly result in only good things, but something happens, or a few things happen, and nothing results from it essentially. So we possibly question ourselves, and if our self-image is even halfway decent we might realize that nothing is really wrong with us…we realize that we’re great. So we then maybe question the other person-what’s wrong with you? But then we realize that there is nothing truly wrong with anyone else either (well, some of them) and that, in fact, some of the people we have met really are wonderful, even if it’s a small percentage.

Maybe it’s just that relationships aren’t supposed to be that wonderful. Maybe we’re just supposed to find someone that we can at least stand for an extended period of time, that maybe makes us laugh, that treats us with respect, and that is at least headed somewhere decent in life. Maybe it’s that basic; that there are no soaring feelings to be expected, no soulful connection to be had because what really lasts that is similar to that anyway?

I always thought it was possible which is why I had the frame of mind to even keep trying. Maybe it’s just not that way. This is not to say that with the past few relationships that I’ve taken the initiative to end I haven’t had reason to do so, because I truly did (and I usually gave them too many chances to begin with). But I’m doubting that it’s even worth it to continue to try.

Because here’s the thing; if reality is so significantly different than what I thought it was supposed to be, then I just don’t want any part of it. I don’t want to settle so maybe it’s time to just drop out of the race all together. And, yah, it’s quite sad that as I hit my 30’s I decide this, but if I can’t have what I thought relationships were supposed to be then I just don’t want them at all.

Albeit, this wasn’t just brought on by Tina Turner in all her wisdom or my recent reality checks. Last night at the joint birthday dinner for my beloved Mom and her jerk of a partner my sister brought up the hot tub that is not fixed that my ex was fixing when he was still around. I was asked for his number and since I have erased it from my phone I wasn’t able to provide it…mostly because I’ve done my best to forget it in the interest of self-preservation. Some of the numbers that get burned into our memory are not numbers we have reason to keep eventually-specifically if it can backfire on us at some point. However my other sister had the number in her phone and rather than just giving it to the other sister she had to blurt it out loud. Months of ‘forgetting work’ went down the tubes. Now…it’s there again. Not only that, but they had to ask about Holly too, as if it doesn’t hurt enough when I think of that one on my own. It’s not as if they mean any harm, I realize that; they’re my family and they love me. Maybe, I’m just not over the hurt part of it yet…not the person, the hurt.

So, on Sunday evening I not only celebrated my Mom’s birthday, but I realized a couple more arguments for just not getting involved closely with men. Those, coupled with my whole ‘reality’ wake up call, causes me to err on the side of ‘I’m just done’ in general.

I love my job enough to commit to coming in on a Saturday; just so I can accommodate a drug court client who, since entering drug court and cleaning up his pot use, has obtained a much more lucrative job to support his family and has become concerned about arranging being late a few times per month to work in order to accommodate the requirements of drug court and meeting with me. I will happily go out of my way to support someone’s concern about a family when they have done a ton of work in order to put themselves in a much healthier position to support said family.

I love my job because someone that just got out of inpatient said to me today after meeting again for the first time since inpatient "it’s great to be able to have you to talk to again". Where they sent him for inpatient was not so great (but, it’s hard to find places to send people for inpatient when they’re part of a methadone program at the same time, unfortunately).

I love my job because for some reason I am somehow able to rest people’s anxiety and fears, sometimes. When calls to me start out with someone crying and naturally being worried about being kicked out of drug court, but end with a much more calm sentiment based on my knowledge of drug court…that’s satisfying.

I love my job because I’m good at it. When I bring up the prospect of transferring to a different branch based on an interaction that left much to be desired with my new supervisor (as well as the potential of many more interactions defined as such), and I inform My P that I’m thinking of said transfer, what I get in return is "and you’re going to leave having done such a great job with drug court?". (Thank you, for checking my reactionary thoughts today.)

I love my job because after the interaction my new supervisor came down to my office and apologized for the possibility of communicating anything negative to me.

I love my job because I’ve earned the respect of those that matter in drug court and they listen to me. When I was wildly thinking of moving to AZ for a while one of my drug court colleagues said that if I did that I would have to come back for the graduation of a particular client. Reason being, according to my colleague, if I had not spoken for them they wouldn’t even still be in drug court, and would probably be serving time in prison…and a family would have been severely damaged as a result (family meaning a small child that is doing extremely well with its parent in treatment rather than in prison). (P.S. That client is doing wonderfully…and is about to graduate.)

I love my job because they’re paying me to attend a training all day tomorrow which will make me better at my job.

I love my job because I can actually see precisely where I make a difference. Case and point, I did an intake a really long time ago for a client that was younger and female and obviously scared as hell at being in treatment. I had the foresight to assign her to me after her intake and the other day she said to me that our interactions really help her to think about things in a different perspective. She’s doing wonderfully too.

Granted, these changes can really only be attributed to the individuals themselves; because no one makes anyone change no matter what position they hold. I love my job because people allow me the privilege of being a part of the process in their change.

A client gave me this. I fell in love with it.

Rule One: You will receive a body. Whether you love it or hate it, it’s yours for life, so accept it. What counts is what’s inside.

Rule Two: You will be presented with lessons. Life is a constant learning experience, which every day provides opportunities for you to learn more. These lessons are specific to you, and learning them ‘is the key to discovering and fulfilling the meaning and relevance of your own life’.

Rule Three: There are no mistakes, only lessons. Your development towards wisdom is a process of experimentation, trial and error, so it’s inevitable things will not always go to plan or turn out how you’d want. Compassion is the remedy for harsh judgment-of ourselves and others. Forgiveness is not only divine-it’s also ‘the act of erasing an emotional debt’. Behaving ethically, with integrity, and with humor-especially the ability to laugh at yourself and your own mishaps-are central to perspectives that ‘mistakes’ are simply lessons we must learn.

Rule Four: The lesson is repeated until learned. Lessons repeat until learned. What manifest as problems and challenges, irritations and frustrations are more lessons-they will repeat until you see them as such and learn from them. Your own awareness and your ability to change are requisites of executing this rule. Also fundamental is the acceptance that you are not a victim of fate or circumstance-’causality’ must be acknowledged; that is to say: things happen to you because of how you are and what you do. To blame anyone or anything else for your misfortunes is an escape and a denial; you yourself are responsible for you, and what happens to you. Patience is required-change doesn’t happen overnight, so give change time to happen.

Rule Five: Learning does not end. While you are alive there are always lessons to be learned. Surrender to the ‘rhythm of life’, don’t struggle against it. Commit to the process of constant learning and change-be humble enough to always acknowledge your own weaknesses, and be flexible enough to adapt from what you may be accustomed to, because rigidity will deny you the freedom of new possibilities.

Rule Six: "There" is no better than "here". The other side of the hill may be greener than your own, but being there is not the key to endless happiness. Be grateful for and enjoy what you have, and where you are on your journey. Appreciate the abundance of what’s good in your life, rather than measure and amass things that do not actually lead to happiness. Living in the present helps you attain peace.

Rule Seven: Others are only mirrors of you. You love or hate something about another person according to what you love or hate about yourself. Be tolerant; accept others as they are, and strive for clarity of self-awareness; strive to truly understand and have an objective perception of your own self, your thoughts and feelings. Negative experiences are opportunities to heal the wounds that you carry. Support others, and by doing so you support yourself. Where you are unable to support others it is a sign that you are not adequately attending to your own needs.

Rule Eight: What you make of life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. Take responsibility for yourself. Learn to let go when you cannot change things. Don’t get angry about things-bitter memories clutter your mind. Courage resides in all of us-use it when you need to do what’s right for you. We all possess a strong natural power and adventurous spirit, which you should draw on to embrace what lies ahead.

Rule Nine: Your answers lie inside of you. Trust your instincts and your innermost feelings, whether you hear them as a little voice or a flash of inspiration. Listen to feelings as well as sounds. Look, listen, and trust. Draw on your natural inspiration.

Rule Ten: You will forget all this at birth. We are all born with all of these capabilities-our early experiences lead us into a physical world, away from our spiritual selves, so that we become doubtful, cynical and lacking belief and confidence. The ten rules are not commandments, they are universal truths that apply to us all. When you lose your way, call upon them. Have faith in the strength of your spirit. Aspire to be wise-wisdom is the ultimate path of your life, and it knows no limits other than those you impose on yourself.

What I should be doing, is reading this everyday until it is instinct to think that no one ‘does’ anything to me, therefore I have no one to be angry at or resent, or feel hurt by. It’s all me, only not in a selfish way. What a humbling thing. It’s like sitting all bunched up for years all tense only to let go one day, sigh, and say ‘oh yah…I almost forgot’. It was perfect timing, in consideration of every event in the past year of my life. It causes me to want to be quiet for an extended period of time.