A New Year
I’ve never been much of a fan of New Year’s resolutions in the way that they’re supposed to be commonly made. ‘I will do such-and-such.’ Right. Having successfully taken statistics I could probably, if I sat down and really wanted to spend the time, figure out the percentage chance I had of making a "resolution" really happen. Rather than making New Year’s resolutions I have chosen instead, to make a good faith effort for absolution, if at all possible.
The core of resolutions, really, is that we were somewhat unhappy with how we were the previous year. But instead of really making an effort to do what we can in repairing past events, we usually instead look only to the future of what we ‘can’ do. I already know what I ‘can’ do. I just didn’t do those things this year. I already know what kind of person I want to be, I just may not have done that this year to my fullest potential (in fact, I know I haven’t done that this year to my fullest potential). It’s more like a ‘fourth step’ really, the kind that they work on in 12-step programs.
I’d rather take a true and honest look at what I’ve done this year and how I’ve impacted people that in retrospect I’m unhappy with. That’s what I intend to do. Including family, friends, and even acquaintances that I’m not incredibly close to. By doing so, in a way, I’ve already made my resolutions…see? Instead of making false promises of what I want to do, I feel like it’s better to make the attempt at least of mending things I’ve done in the past year that had a negative impact on others. People may not be receptive, and that’s just something that I will have to respectfully accept.
This past year I’ve experienced more loss, in some ways, than I have since I was a senior in high school. I lost a best friend to death in the most tragic way someone could be lost and I lost someone that I loved (and if I want to be honest am not totally over loving) due to how things had gone and were going (and I just had to finally admit that it probably wasn’t going to work out…that it was too painful for both of us the way it was going). Only after the fact did I learn the kind of pain my best friend was going through, and I’m still feeling the guilt of not having any iota of a sense of that pain when she was alive. People are important; they’re more important than jobs, money…than most anything. The fact that we could lose them at any time depending on what the universe has in store means that we should treasure them when they’re here and for the time that they’re a part of our life. I didn’t always do that this year with the people that are (or were) in my life. For that I’m sorry, and the only thing I can do is do my best to make amends for that and do better this year.
I don’t want to bring this year in with alcohol which is the popular way to do so. I don’t even have a true desire to bring it in with a party that hopes to color the beginning of the year with good natured hopes. I’d prefer to bring it in while in the process of trying to better myself if I possibly can. You have to look back sometimes, in order to go forward.
(P.S. Totally off the subject in every way possible…but one of my favorite movies now is Goodfellas. :) )
