Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

Motivated by curiosity today I skimmed some of my old posts on livejournal. Good God. Seriously. I didn’t even go that far back but the more recent stuff was bad enough. When I say ‘bad enough’ what I mean is sad/whiny/negative/depressing. Granted when I wrote a lot of that stuff there were other things going on that I didn’t ever really explain in there so it sometimes seems like the depressiveness comes out of nowhere. Also I was not medicated for most of those years. Amazing difference. Truly.

It also allowed me to realize with even more clarity that I really have worked out a lot of stuff in the past few years. Not everything, of course…I’m certainly not perfect and like most people will always have stuff that needs to be worked out and worked on. But I’ve done a pretty good job so far.

Also, I had a fairly yummy weekend. :)

I can’t really explain it. It just happens. Sometimes I can be so intelligent…but every so often I can be so ignorant.

I completely have just enough experience to work at drug court. Why it’s escaped me up until this day I’m not really quite sure.

The motivation for a second/third/billionth thought was one of the case managers asking me today at staffing if I was absolutely positive that I didn’t have exactly three years experience. I started thinking some more about it. The rest of the day at work I thought about it.

Then I spent almost an hour going through old paperwork trying to find something…anything, that would prove me wrong about how long I was at CRC. I found it. My last paycheck which was still being deposited by the first of November in 2004.

I added it all up again. Just this month I will have exactly three years of experience down to the day. Exactly.

I completely have enough experience to qualify to be interviewed. I completely have most of the case managers down there on my side as far as working there. If I do things right, it’s mine.

In 1996 two women came up with what they called, "The Rules" and wrote a book on the idea as if they were the long awaited experts that finally had all the ‘mysterious’ answers to heterosexual women’s problems with dating heterosexual men. It was their $13 answer to what we apparently haven’t been able to figure out successfully on our own through trial and error. What is actually fascinating is that scores of women clutched to that $13 answer as if it would actually solve all their ‘I’m-dating-but-desperately-want-to-be-married-before-I’m-the-last-single-woman-in-the-world’ problems. I sort of laughed when it first came out, much like I’m sure many people did (most of them, I assume, being of the male gender). Motivated by recent personal dissatisfaction with how my relationships with heterosexual men have gone I checked out their "top ten"…the teaser that they offer on their website in hopes of making every woman in America run out and buy their groundbreaking book.

Rule #1: "Be a creature unlike any other". AKA be yourself…be genuine. I wasn’t aware that this was a new idea actually..but admittedly good advice. Why would one want an interaction that they hoped to go deeper be based on a facade? However…what they do is tell one how to be individual:

It’s the way you smile (you light up the room), pause in between sentences (you don’t babble on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare), breathe (slowly), stand (straight) and walk (briskly, with your shoulders back). When a relationship doesn’t work out, you brush away a tear so that it doesn’t smudge your makeup and you move on!

Be things that you may not naturally be in order to "hook them" in. K. Got it.

Rule #2: "Show up at parties, dances, and social events even if you don’t feel like it". AKA go out even if you had an awful day and your feet/brain/feelings hurt and put on a smile for everyone else so that they might think highly enough of you to ask you out. K.

Realize that you may not meet Mr. Right naturally and that you therefore must take social action immediately even if you don’t want to.

Again…do things you don’t want to do. Got it.

Rule #3: "It’s a fantasy relationship unless a man asks you out". K. Don’t ask a man out if you’re interested because you might seem "desperate"? Of course it’s a fantasy relationship if you’re not actually going out with someone…that’s why the word "fantasy" is included in there.

Rule #4: "In an office romance do not email him back every time he emails you unless it is business related".

On all nonbusiness e-mails, responding once for every four of his e-mails is a good rule of thumb.

AKA play games to get what you want. If only my mother had given me that advice instead of what she did give me.

Rule #5: "If you are in a long distance relationship, he must visit you at least three times before you visit him." Again…play games to get what you want. K. Got it.

Rule #6: "When considering to use personal ads or other dating services, you should place the ad and let men respond to you." I’m not even touching this one considering what I think of personal ads or dating services in general.

Rule #7: "If he does not call, he is not that interested. Period." Duh. Do we really need to be told this?

Rule #8: "Close the deal. Rules women do not date men for more than two years." Nice. According to these fine ladies I’ve already fucked up more than once.

If you’ve followed The Rules, your man probably loves you and wants to marry you. Your problem is not if he marries you, but when! If it’s been more than a year, see less of him and think about dating others.

Also according to these fine ladies…everything I do that involves a man should only be entered into with the ultimate goal of marriage. Also, I am a failure if this does not happen to me. Right. Never mind whether you love someone or not…never mind that marriage is not the evidence one needs in order to know that they are special or treasured. Never mind that marriage is simply a socially constructed ideal intended to control. Never mind all that. Never mind that if it’s something that one really truly wants it should be something one thinks about only when and if they are with that one person that it seems right with and that also wants the same. Whatever.

Rule #9: "Buyer beware-observe his behavior so you do not end up with Mr. Wrong." Admittedly good advice…advice that I also must admit I have failed to take in many situations. But the whole "Mr. Wrong" thing…still bugs me. "Buyer beware" as if it’s a game…also highly bugs me.

Rule #10: "Keep doing the rules-even when things are slow." AKA even when you realize that the stupid rules aren’t working…just keep doing them.

Got it

Where, pray tell, does this leave gay men or lesbian women? Is there a rule book for them too? I mean…if these women are experts shouldn’t they know about all that too?

So, we go over my options. I could be a ‘rules girl’ and play games to get what I want…and continue to play games even after I realize it’s not working (as if I wouldn’t know beforehand that it wouldn’t work). Or I could do what I’ve always done…wear my heart on my sleeve, give parts of myself away against my better judgment (and too soon), and generally just fly by the seat of my pants.

I’m sure there are a multitude of other options as to how to go about this. However, I can’t help but feel that something I’m doing isn’t quite right; with my heart the way it is, I get attached, I open up, and I approach without fear most of the time. But another part of me can’t help but wonder if these "rules" girls are sort of right in a way…don’t give too much away too soon, protect yourself, and try to keep the upper hand so that you don’t end up feeling as if somehow you got left behind because you’re the one that gave too much.

I actually think I prefer giving away too much too soon…at least then I’m not pretending to be something I’m not or playing silly games.

Not really actually. But I’ve always been fascinated by  my odd jumpiness that developed in the past couple of years. Via wikipedia..

Hyperarousal: PTSD is also characterized by a state of nervousness with the patient being prepared for "fight or flight". The typical hyperactive startle reaction, characterized by "jumpiness" in connection with loud unexpected sounds or fast motions, is typical for another part of the PTSD cluster called hyperarousal symptoms and could also be secondary to an incomplete processing, similar to a reflex.

Hm.

Also…some asshole stole my broom.Who steals a broom? Really.

I want school to start…now rather than a few weeks from now.

I have become hyper-sensitive to dirt…even more so than I was. In the past two to three days I have probably spent 8-9 hours cleaning. I got down on hands and knees to scrub my floors rather than just being happy with a good mopping of them. My neighbors have even commented. The other day one of them invited me to watch a movie and I declined stating that I had to clean. They looked in my apartment and said "but Kelly, it’s already clean". I know…I just steadily get crazier apparently.

And as not so much of an after-thought, sometimes I miss you and I want to call you…but I’m scared that it would hurt to talk to you.