Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

Men’s uncontrolled displays of anger, that is. When I say uncontrolled what I mean is verbal abuse, physical posturing, and unpredictability.

The last place you would expect to deal with it is at work; especially where I work. The anger wasn’t even directed at me-it was at a coworker.

Same physiological reaction for me though. Racing heart, everything tense, no breathing, etc. Scared as all hell. Thinking of where to escape to. Even though I was at work and there were tons of other people in the room. Even though it wasn’t even aimed at me. Even though my brain knew that the person I feel most safe around in the world, my P, works right upstairs. None of that mattered right at that moment.

I still can’t deal with it. Seriously…how many years have to pass before those reactions stop?

I rated my blog here. Allegedly it works for myspace too.

PG…really? I didn’t even make it to PG-13.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

-Robert Frost

I have decisions to make that are taxing and ones that I wish I could avoid despite that they are five years in the making. Sometimes I try to stall by asking for advice from friends. Someone said to me the other day that if you have to ask a friend for advice in some cases…you probably already know the answer but just don’t want to face up to it.

They were right.

I’m not quite sure why it is, but somehow my friends always call at just the right moment. Truly. Sometimes they call at just the right moment and save me from myself, cause sometimes we need that.

Self-destruction sometimes sneaks up when you least expect it too…much like it has sort of snuck up on me in the past month or so. I haven’t handled stress very well in the past four months and it has caused me to make a couple of pretty poor choices that I’m not very proud of. Full disclosure of details can’t really be had on something so public but the details really aren’t that important anyway. Those that needed to know were told and it was the right thing to do because silence about something unhealthy can actually be deadly. I learned that lesson in a different situation years ago-one that had to do with my interactions with another person rather than interactions with myself. It’s yet one more lesson that My P helped to get through my stubborn head.

After a couple of poor choices though I usually can catch myself and I thought I really had. Until yesterday evening when I was tempted to make yet another poor choice and had the opportunity to do so. That’s when my Aimee called at just the right time asking me a second time to go to her pride BBQ. Just the right time because that’s when she got full disclosure-listened with understanding and didn’t judge. I love her more for it. I loved her even more when I went over to her house and had a most wonderful time, was given many cozy hugs, made a couple of new friends, and laughed like I haven’t in a really long time. Had she not called I most likely would have spent the evening hiding in my apt. hoping that hiding would help me to make the right choice despite knowing that hiding doesn’t help a situation. Instead I spent time with some wonderfully fun women and it was exactly what I needed. I needed to be told that I was family and that it’s okay to lean on friends when one needs to. Apparently I needed a food/whip cream fight as well. :)

When I got home I needed to tell A too and did so. And again what I got in return was non-judgment, understanding, and more hugs.

I’m not quite sure why I’m so lucky to have the people that I do-all I know is that I’m more grateful to my friends than they will ever really know. I don’t think that it’s codependent or unhealthy to say so anymore, but sometimes we really do need saving and somehow when I need it, it always happens.

It turns out well when:

• I find out what files of mine are being audited next week (only four!) and they are all files that are almost perfect.
• My neighbor and good friend tells me that women like me are rare (I think what he meant is someone who is motivated for school/goals and doing something worthwhile that they are passionate about for a job, and other such things) and that the real reason they didn’t like someone was due to the fact that I wasn’t appreciated by them. To somewhat quote him "he had you for five years and didn’t do anything about it". After he said it I got real quiet and thought about it. Despite that it felt good on some level to hear that it was sad too. It’s sad that a friend I’ve known for eight months thinks more highly of me than someone that I was in love with for five years.
• I get closer to the people I work with now…when we become friends, trust each other, have awesome rapport, and treat each other well.
• I get to look forward to a vacation next month.
• My clients actually want to see me and meet with me.

Today, I have to take all the positive I can possibly find. I go home today with a headache again (although I realized why finally…it’s not stress…last night will be the second time I’ve forgotten to take my crazy pill) and I’ve seen client after client today resulting in exhaustion like never before. Although none of that compares with how my morning started which was in tears in a coworker’s office after an impromptu intervention with a client. There are very few feelings that compare with the one that you get when you hear someone that is suffering from a life threatening illness (that they won’t take medication for) say out loud "I gave up hope a long time ago".

I really do love my job and I’m committed to it. But there are some days that I spend searching out positive things in order to feel okay by the time I leave at the end of the day. Sometimes it is too hard to take. Sometimes I end up crying to my coworkers after a client has left (because crying in front of them and making them deal with my stuff is never appropriate). I chose to come back here specifically because I knew I’d have enough support from the people I work with to walk out of my office reamining sane each day.

So most of the time things end up turning out okay. Especially when I walk out of here on a Friday seriously looking forward to my weekend. :)