Archive for December, 2006

No Resolutions

December 30, 2006 at 9:24 pm · Filed under Fam, Health, Holidays, Work

I don’t usually make New Year’s resolutions. For the most part on previous holidays I have thought them to be simply silly attempts to make things right from the previous year which is really impossible seeing as how by the time they’re made whatever is not right is already done and over with. I’m going to try something different this year and I’m going to make some, because I’ve made a lot of mistakes this year…most of them being emotional ones. I don’t normally attempt to corral my emotions, having lived in prior years by the tenant that in controlling emotions you lose a little part of life. I no longer belive that. I think that by corraling emotions you protect yourself and no one can tell me at this point that this is not an intelligent choice to make. Probably these won’t last all year long…at the very least I have to try some new things out for a while, because what I’m doing is obviously not working in the least bit.

  1. In relationships, be they friendships or whatever, no more will I be the one to put myself out on a limb first…and even when someone else does so, it will be a while before I allow myself to do the same, whether it be asking a friend to hang out on a holiday so that I don’t spend it alone or something more serious.
  2. I am drawing a solid line between professional friendships and personal friendships. Rarely can they be successful when you’re trying to define them as both at the same time-there are very few exceptions (if you’re the sender of a recent email in which this is discussed, no, I am not referring to you so take a quick moment to get over yourself).
  3. I will only spend positive energy on those that deserve it or those that are appreciative of it…relationships are supposed to be reciprocal, and when they’re not I am definitely not supposed to be the only one putting energy towards it.
  4. I am going to find a job doing what I really want to do and I am going to waste as little time as possible on a job that is meaningless to me when put in perspective of where I actually want to be going.
  5. I am going to graduate with excellent grades and I am going to participate in the walking and everything.
  6. I am going to focus more on my family and whatever I can do to help them be happier-and when I say family I mean that few select amount of friends that I include in that definition as well as my biological family, because those are the people that have always and will always be there.
  7. I will not lower my expectations of others (as this is something I previously entertained)-instead I will raise them to always include respect, maturity, honesty, integrity and courage & I will provide the same in return to those that offer these things.
  8. I will live every little part of my life by the values that are important to me.

Happy New Year to everyone.

New20years20fire20works2020800x600_1 

Comments (3)

The One Where It Is Admitted

December 29, 2006 at 5:09 pm · Filed under Dogishness, Health, Seattle, Shoes

I am a shallow asshole sometimes. There, I said it. Here’s why:

With the exception of Christmas, the only day in the past couple of weeks that I truly had a happy feeling was when I was purchasing clothes and *shoes* today with oh-so precious gift cards from loving family members. I know…in a way it’s sort of horrible. No, it won’t last…it is a short-lived high, but it felt good.

I should also add however, that I did get that same happy feeling watching Sadie play at our first visit to the crack park in Belltown. The official name is Regrade park, most people I know continue to call it crack park and that’s really the way it should be. Mostly, it was seeing her happy that made me a little happy too.

Running_sadie_1

Comments (2)

It’s True

December 28, 2006 at 5:00 pm · Filed under Daily, Health

There really isn’t anything in this world that is free. Everything has a price and sometimes that price is an emotional one..unfortunately, those tend to be the most extravagant ones.

I always wondered somewhere in the back of my mind how someone could be so generous, and while I never took advantage of it or abused it I counted myself lucky for the past four years to have found someone like that. It wasn’t just financial either; I also counted myself lucky to have found someone that was always so willing do a favor here and there without ever complaining about it…I’m not the best when it comes to mechanical matters or fixing things and it’s always nice when someone seems so happy to help out at the things that you’re weakest at.

Only now, when considering all the new information I’m left with, all I can conclude is that all that generosity and willingness to be there was possibly not simply out of kindness…it’s possible that there was some guilt mixed in too. Guilt for all the lies I knew about, and at this point probably for all the lies I can only guess at over the past few years that I didn’t find out about. Although a small part of me would love to know what all those lies might have been that I never stumbled upon, maybe it’s just as well that I don’t know and probably never will. Let’s face it; it just plain hurts when someone is deceptive, especially when they’re the one that holds your heart in their hands.

It just plain hurts when you spent all that time believing in someone and they let you down in a number of ways. Worse yet, after they made mistakes and you continued to believe in them and their intentions and you find out that you were believing in something that you had no right to believe in, in the first place…something that wasn’t even just yours to believe in, something that they were probably sharing with other people as well. Worse yet even, when you did all that and like a silly fool began to think of them as family, even though they never gave you any reason to think that they had the same intentions for the future.

Comments (1)

Street Justice and Rainbow Socks

December 27, 2006 at 10:30 pm · Filed under Daily, Domestic Violence, Feminism, Governmentish, Holidays, Media, Misogyny, Sexual Harassment, Sexual Violence

I was not myself today, at all. I wasn’t even a distant cousin of myself. I don’t even think I was on this earth although I’m still confused as to where I might have been.

Today was the first day of taking the bus-it is a bus that starts as one numbered route, but for no reason that I can fathom, turns into an entirely different one halfway to my destination. I was decidedly nervous, considering previous bus escapades, that the website might have been lying to me when it assured me that I would arrive at work by 7:21 if I trusted that particular bus. I didn’t trust it. Problem was, I momentarily forgot where I was going. It went a little like this:

ME: This goes to Utah avenue right? (What?)

BUS GUY (with an appropriately puzzled look): What?

ME: (Why the hell can’t I remember the street that I’m on?) I mean 4th street. (What the hell am I saying?)

BUS GUY (who couldn’t even continue to look at me by that point): You mean 1st?

ME (appropriately chagrined): Yeah.

I immediately sat down and didn’t move the entire way to work…I was convinced, and no one could tell me differently, that the entire bus had heard what could have only sounded like the ramblings of someone who had possibly dropped a little acid prior to jaunting off to work. Humiliating. Worse yet, I have to face the same bus driver tomorrow morning as well.

Later on in my evening (I eventually got over the embarrassment) over dinner the subject of street justice came up in a conversation with a friend. After sharing with me a story of how someone had once burned her financially, I immediately chimed in with what would have been my solution to the problem; to introduce a little street justice to the problem. She thought this was hilarious (I wonder if it was simply the mental image of me in particular trying to serve street justice on anyone…I’m deciding not to spend too much energy on trying to figure that out though). I take it very seriously though. And the following people would be on my street justice list:

  • Anyone who thinks it is acceptable to single a woman out by asking in a job interview if they have children or are married.
  • Anyone who hurts me to my very core but never bothers to at least attempt to make amends for the behavior.
  • Liars.
  • Loud gum chewers.
  • The dolts at BBC that think this is acceptable.
  • Assholes that aren’t satisfied with ruining every other day of the year but have to ruin holidays too.

I’m sure I could come up with pages more but I’ve tired myself out by being someone and somewhere else all day.

Comments (1)

What I Didn’t Get For Christmas

December 26, 2006 at 12:38 pm · Filed under Fam, Holidays

I did get some really thoughtful gifts that I’m grateful for from family and friends.

There were a few things missing, although I imagine they are things that I won’t ever get and some of them are downright impossible…

=I want the gift of another day off today-I want to go back in time to Thursday and have the foresight to request it off.

=I want a phone call saying that you realize where the problem lies and that you won’t drink anymore. I want to hear that you realize that figuring out where issues come from and unleashing all that stuff with no solutions or changes to behaviors only causes it to spill over into places it doesn’t belong such as in front of my apt. in the middle of the night. I want to hear that you really do regret that most of it has been taken out on me, and I want to believe you.

=I want to hear that what I saw last weekend was not really what it looked like-mostly it would be nice to go back to that moment and hear that you have an actual answer to explain the situation, rather than waiting until the next day so that it appears that it just took you that long to come up with a good lie. I want to hear that you were actually as faithful as you claimed to be all along-and I want to believe you. I want to be able to stop wondering if that’s maybe the explanation for a lot of things, mainly the one that sheds light on the fact that four years later I was still just a girlfriend…cause maybe you were just waiting for something better to come along. For all I know at this point, it did and I’m ridiculously stupid for not having done the same thing. I want to believe that’s not the case.

=I want to never be rejected in any way by a man again. But I suppose I’m the only one that can control that by just choosing not to deal with them at all. Because I really just can’t take it even one more time.

Comments (2)

Older Posts »