Archive for July, 2006
the bridge is on fire
i made a joke the other day to my supervisor during a mixed company conversation in the middle of our little cube cluster. it was a joke about how if i ever were to get to the absolute end of my rope with this place that i wouldn’t be giving a ton of notice-i would sort of say i’m done and be gone. i explained that i burn bridges. that’s just what i do.
not expecting a response from an off-hand comment, i was surprised when a co-worker asked why. he certainly could have been joking, but it was a serious sounding why, so i started to process it seriously.
why do i do that? seriously.
i thought about all the bridges i’d burned with people in my life and tried to mold them all together to come up with a reason why they’d all been cut off (sometimes dramatically) on my side of the proverbial bridge. why can’t i just get along with everyone?
my thought process actually yielded something productive. the following are the general reasons why one might get black-balled, so to speak, from any type of participation in my life:
.a to put it very simply-playing games with my feelings/heart/head (or even the perception that one’s actions are intended to do so).
.b punching me in the face/head (essentially, causing me any bodily harm-especially when that was the intent).
in my own rationalizations, these are excellent justifications for giving someone the final finger and refusing to acknowledge them further. so basically, if you’ve done either of these things to me at any point, you probably got shunned (maybe not at first, but eventually, when i mustered the courage and the time was right, it happened).
a very important part of the equation, however, is the fact that it takes the moving of mountains to mend that bridge once i’ve lit it up once. some might call this “holding a grudge”. i don’t. i realize that there is a lot that i will work with when it comes to someone’s faults-knowing that it takes me a lot to get to the breaking point, it would just make good rational sense that it would take a lot for me to come back. that’s not a grudge.
to sum up-if you’ve been smoked out of my life entirely, count yourself lucky if i ever attempt to wave an olive branch in your direction, or take the time to see yours waving. i burn bridges for pretty good reasons and when someone causes me a good deal of pain (note-one may not think their actions were pain-inducing, but it’s all about me really and how much it hurt). that’s just what i do.
Labels: Fem
funny. ass. bitches.
i forced myself to go to a birthday party last night. when i say forced-it’s not that i had to force myself because of whose birthday party it was because, really, i just recently met her, but do absolutely love the girl. i say forced because it’s become apparent to me that it is easier than i had first thought to slip back into the stage of desperately needing medication. i know because i almost went back this week in a moment of ‘i-can’t-handle-my-emotions-please-poke-my-eyes-out-so-i-don’t-have-to-deal’ weakness. no. i just. won’t. do it. (sidebar: not to mention that by going-i got to wear the new sex kitten shoes.)
i had never been to the whiskey bar which is cleverly located in a prime people watching spot downtown on 2nd ave., complete with a cozy patio area outside & barrels for tables (yes, barrels…and they came in oh-so-handy when it came time to fold myself up in order to release all pressure on my aching feet-damn you shoes). nice to know it’s there (yay for $1 PBRs)-nice to see cute V. having fun and all dressed up on her birthday-nice to meet new friends that i get an absolute kick out of.
we met A. as we walked in & upon being introduced to her i immediately thought, this is a genuine person. i appreciate this more than words can explain. when you are truly genuine, i know exactly what i am dealing with at all times-i know what you think-i know exactly how to interact with you. i liked her right off the bat.
i liked her even more when she started sharing her people watching game with me. i had mentioned how much i enjoy people watching especially now after developing my shoe problem since that’s what i look at the most (regretfully-i judge them on the basis of their shoes as well…it’s sick, i know).
“there’s this game i play when people watching if you want to know about it,” she says to me at one point. game? i like games.
“so, when you see someone walking down the street, you have to guess what type of music they listen to based on their appearance alone.” this disappointed me. it was comically easy for one thing-rap/rock/punk, etc.-and certainly not a funny game. i said nothing of my disappointment though. i continued in my valiant attempt to see what was funny about it.
that is until we both looked at the same bohemian/hemp/long skirt-wearing youngish lady and she blurted out, “sarah mclaughlin”. then i realized what was funny about it. (disclaimer: i enjoy sarah with all my heart and soul, so the posting of this was in no way a dig.) at that moment, i got her and seriously enjoyed her conversation and ended up laughing with her and piglet the rest of the night.
apparently she enjoyed the company of piglet and i equally as well as evidenced by a moment when a friend of hers showed up and casually asked what was going on. her reply? i’ve been hanging out and cracking up all night with these funny ass bitches. i’d never been called a funny ass bitch before…i quite enjoyed it. i responded in kind by telling her that i had actually thought that she was the funny ass bitch, not us (because i really had).
all the way home i congratulated myself on forcing my body out of the house to socially interact with others. i have a new friend-i got a little closer to another friend-i laughed and had a genuine good time for the first time in a while-i learned a new game…best of all, i brought my brain back from the hole that it had started to burrow and retreat to.
what i cannot do
Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience. It isn’t more complicated that that. It is opening to or recieving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is, without either clinging to it or rejecting it. ~~~Sylvia Boorstein
i cannot control the actions of others and as such, cannot control whether i get hurt or not if i am choosing to care about someone or something.
i can choose how much i get hurt-i can choose how much i will attach to something.
i can choose how i will react.
i cannot live in the past or the future because if i do i will be in a never-ending cycle of understanding nothing that happens to me.
i can choose to live in the present-in this day and in this minute.
i cannot make people stay-if their plan is to walk away i have to accept that and know that if they are walking away, it means that something greater will take their place.
i can choose how i will react to their absence-i can choose whether it will tear me apart or whether it will make me stronger.
i cannot forget that i come from a place of strength-of “strong feminine” as it was recently called-not weakness.
i can choose to listen to the friends that keep reminding me of that.
i cannot forget that strength sometimes intimidates people, particularly men. but that for every single person-male, female, friend or family-that can’t handle it there will be someone to take their place.
i can choose to remember, and will, that women come from a place very different than men and are built to withstand and interact with life in a way that men are not.
i cannot hold this against them if this is the way the universe meant it to be.
i can love someone more than life itself and give them whatever they need in a time of weakness for them, and trust that if the same were to happen to me again (because it has) that they would be there in the same capacity (as they have before).
Labels: Fem
