Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

things must change to be drastically different than they were before in my relationship, in order for it to work.

and what i say here has nothing to do with a single other person in this world…it is all my responsibility and my obligation.

**this past month and a half has been the most peaceful that i can remember in my entire life. it has been me that has made that happen. and i only hope that i can keep my peace about me.

**i have seriously unresolved issues with my family that need to be dealt with before i ever hope to have a happy family of my own. i have begun that process and i can only hope that i can continue it in a way that leaves me settled with my family, and settled with myself at the same time. i find myself wanting to solve their problems; the same problems that i have started to solve, and i have to keep realizing that i can’t solve it for them.

**i have to have a very serious conversation with my father, for the above listed to happen. and i’m scared to have it. not necessarily because it will hurt him, but because it will hurt me.

**i cannot fight with people anymore. having been somewhat level-headed for even this short period has made me realize how detrimental “fighting” is for me. i think that i didn’t realize it before, because how can you see a war going on outside of you & realize how much it hurts when there is already too loud of a war going on inside of you? the day i left that pirate meeting (which i obviously didn’t write about here) i was physically sick the entire day; that day was the closest i have come so far to feeling the way i used to feel all the time. i can’t go back to that. i won’t go back to that.

**i really enjoy having a glass of wine; and i think that’s okay.

**i want children; but i only want them when i am okay enough to have them. which is obviously not right this second.

**i have the kind of friends that many people would be envious of. the friends that are vital to my existence, have stood by me for a very long time, and i don’t want to know the kind of person i would be had i not had the pleasure of them in my life.

**as much strife as my family may cause me, i would trade nothing for the kind of closeness i have with them; again, maybe people would be envious of that. it’s sort of a double edged sword; because at the same time that i am trying to settle my issues with them, i would not want to know who i would be without them.

**as a partner for that happy family that i want, i need a strong enough person to help that happen. that person must ensure that family is first, theirs and our own, must be honest even when it hurts (especially when it’s going to hurt, because that’s when it is the most important), must be able to manuever their own dreams and allow mine at the same time, must be able to understand what commitment is really about, and must be able to love me when i am at my lowest and my highest as i would hope to love them. and i would hope that j is able to be that person.

**the way to happiness is not usually the way you would expect it to be.

i’m sure there is more; but i’m tired now. i’ll write it later.

it’s the second year in a row, that i have been dating someone, and yet have woken up alone on my birthday.

no, it will not ruin the day or any type of fun i have that is related to birthday-ness. i will, however, spend a small amount of time ruminating about it, and pondering what to do about it. also, i am not of the thought that i “have” to have someone to wake up with on my birthday or major holidays…that thought has changed to a much more healthy one; if that is something that i want, why should i not have it and why haven’t i allowed myself a situation (or a someone) where i get what i want as well?

see, much better than it would have been expressed or internalized even two months ago. i’m getting a little better.