Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

and while i have no one to tell it to right now, i need to record it somewhere so that the moment is not lost to me.

i trust jason. and maybe that sounds ridiculous, like, why wouldn’t you trust someone that you’ve been with for that long. not only do i trust jason, but i’m starting to trust myself.

it’s no secret that i have trust issues. i’m sure anyone that knows me, anyone that’s dated me, realizes this. generally, i would have the same issues with trust, no matter who it was. my counselor mused during a session once, that maybe it had everything to do with me (especially when the issue of trust is regarding something that a person has given me no reason not to trust). maybe, i don’t trust myself to know that i have chosen someone worthy of trust in the first place (was her thought). i tend to think that is accurate; i have allowed my trust in myself to be damaged.

i don’t know what caused it, or what brought it on (maybe nothing has to cause it…it comes to you when you’re ready to let it come), but i had a huge realization this evening. i am trusting jason everyday. i trust that he is not doing anything that is detremental to our relationship, i trust that he is being faithful, i trust that he is loving me from 2,000 miles or more, away, i trust that he is taking care of himself and growing from this experience (i’ve already seen some evidence of it). i had not thought that i would. but i am actively trusting this…i feel it in my gut. i have never felt this way before. and as ridiculous as it might sound, had he never gone away, i might have never realized it. this whole situation has been the exact formula that i needed to equate to the realization that i trust him. and to continue to be with him, it is exactly, part of what i needed to realize.

i know, in my gut as well, that when i see him again, i will hug him and i will kiss him, and i will stroke his face and it will feel as if things had changed (because things will have changed personally for us) but at the same time, it will feel as if nothing has changed. because i also realized as well, that i honestly feel that we are “enduring” individuals when put together. enduring, in that, we can handle whatever comes, together, without ever having to feel as if we have lost that base connection that i feel we have.

it’s also possible, that i might not have ever realized some of this had another part of the equation never happened. my extreme attraction to N. i don’t like to normally admit it, but honestly at any other time, given the same situation, i would have made sure that something happened between us. i would have sought it out much more aggressively and made sure that i took advantage of the “opportunity” that i was presented with. i didn’t do that; and i no longer have any inkling of the thoughts that would have facilitated that happening. i have no desire to go through with it. and as crazy as it might sound, i think that my body is telling me something by this; i think that it is telling me that it is not right in general (not just because i am with jason).

if i can trust (in a way that i never would have before) that he can go away for this long, and not do anything detrimental to our relationship and trust that i won’t either, and trust that i will still feel the same connection to the relationship, then i honestly feel that i can trust that he is my future, as far as relationships go. i can feel it in my soul…and i have never felt this way before. and when i realized it, i cried, not out of sadness, but out of happiness.

what comes with this realization, however, is the realizatation that i have to tell him about the attraction that i have experienced. i feel that i have to tell him not only in the interest of honesty in a relationship, but also so that i express to him that i am actively choosing him. and that, i believe, is the most important part of it…that with some perspective, and time away, and all these things that i’m realizing about myself, that i still choose him for my future.

i want to volunteer at a domestic violence agency. and i think i’m ready to. i am more stable, my eyes are open, i have the assistance of my own counselor, i have come to realize that i have more personal resources and a better support network than i thought i did even a month ago.

i’m ready to do this. although, i’m only just ready to do it at a minimal commitment, which is what volunteering would require.

i know that i would be able to do some good and put myself to some use that is outside of myself, i know that i would be good at it. i was good at drug counseling, only i don’t think that’s what i was meant to do (at least not at a methadone clinic). if this is what i was meant to do, i can only imagine how much better i would be at it, and how much more useful i would be to others. and if this is not what i was meant to do, than what better way to find out?

i’ve kicked it around in my head for a long time now. but the whole time up until this point, i realized all the while that i wasn’t ready to tackle it.

i’m ready now.

what my counselor said is true. anti-depressants can sort of be seen as a way to open the door, or open your eyes to what is going on around you…the things you couldn’t (and maybe didn’t want to) see before. it’s true. i’m starting to open my eyes, and what i’m seeing is making me angry. i’m realizing so many things, yet not enough at the same time. and as much as it is exciting that i am trying to do (and achieving in many instances) things differently, the way things have been is making me a little mad.

i’m angry that, up until this point, i never learned the strength to make decisions mostly and/or solely based on what i need and/or want, in the situations that call for that.

i’m angry that i have over accomodated the men in my life. that it has been automatic for me to bend to what they want, and how they want things; that i don’t ask for and make sure i get, what i need out of relationships. making even the ones that were not overbearing, seem so, simply because of how i have been.

i’m angry that i learned very young that others wants and needs are somehow more important than mine, and that i have, up until this point, failed to learn a different way to be.

i’m angry that somewhere along the line, i learned that i should apologize for my feelings, or allow others to dictate what is right and/or wrong to feel.

i’m angry at all the decisions that i have made based on these things. i’m angry that, had i learned things differently, i would have made different decisions.

i’m angry at the situations this has led me to…destructive, horrible things that no one should put themselves through…which has only proved to make all these things, and myself, worse.

i’m angry that, up until this point, i have not behaved as if i was as important as the people in my life…which has led to what can only be described as a bankruptcy of what i am able to give to others at this point (and for a long time before this, even though i was trying valiantly).

i’m angry about where most of this came from, which leaves my sisters to the same legacy, unless they choose to change things. and i’m sad that all of this is making me a little angry at my dad right now, as much as i love him. i’m angry that i will probably never hear my father apologize to my mother, or us for that matter, for what he did. i’m angry that he will probably never fully realize what it did, at the same time that i realize it’s not up to me what he realizes or doesn’t.

i’m angry that what my family has taught me, and what i have neglected to change, has led me into situations that hurt them as well as the friends who love me) in turn, because of what i was doing to myself.

i’m angry that i was never provided with, or learned, how to value and love myself. i’m angry that i grew up with situations that did not model how to do that, or that even modeled that it was an important thing to do.

i think that this is an important part of it…to have the room to get angry and work through it until its over. i know that i can’t stay here, because it will never get better if i choose to. but i do have to admit that just for a while, it’s feeling better to have the room to do this.

i can see how things are changing. but sometimes i feel like i’m fucking crawling.

(that’s my cute new hair by the way…had to fit that in)

i watched it the other night, which is not unusual. i usually watch it. i have a fondness for oprah; i think she does good things. except this time, i had seen the commercials for it and really actually planned to watch it. which is also rare, because there’s only a few shows i do that with. mindy mcready was supposed to be on, talking about her relationship with her husband. she’s a country singer for those of you that don’t know.

the reason she was on that night was to talk about her abusive relationship with her husband who ended up putting her in the hospital. the husband whose child she’s apparently carrying. it was fascinating to me for two reasons…1) people only usually speak candidly about that type of thing once they’re way beyond it…you know the ‘how i got better’ story. 2) it happened to me…and it fascinates me to hear what other people have to say about it.

she was still right in the middle of it. full on denial and everything…still defending him and his disgusting actions. it was amazing, that she sat on national television still in that state. and i saw myself in her a bit. except i’m at that point where i say to myself, “how could i have ever….”.

of course, there was a psychologist on the show to talk to her. towards the end, the psychologist starting talking to her after she had gone through the entire scenario of what had happened. one thing that the psychologist asked blew me away. “why do you hate yourself so much that you would allow someone to do that to you?” is basically what was said. woah.

i thought of that for a long time. if someone had asked me that at the time i would have said they were insane (despite the fact that i was the insane one, really). i would have said, it’s not me that hates me, it’s him. but it makes sense. it never has anything to do with the other person. it could be anyone doing the same thing, wearing different pants. it always has everything to do with you. no one treats you badly unless you allow them to. no one hits you unless you allow them to. even at the moment you find yourself in that situation, you were primed for it years before it ever began. you have to let it start by handing someone a gun and telling them to go ahead and pull the trigger. i asked myself those questions. and it scared me and it hurt me.

why do you hate yourself so much that you would allow someone to tear into your soul and spirit? why didn’t you deserve better? why do you not deserve to reach for whatever impossible dream you might have? why do you not deserve for someone to take a chance on you? why do you not deserve to be put first by people? why do you think so little of yourself that you always should be put last? perfect example? why, when your lover is light years away and you have not spoken to them in almost a week, does their friends needs take priority over yours and the relationship? and why are you okay with them allowing that to happen, all the time? why did you never ask these questions of yourself before?

i’m not okay with it. i have been bred to be okay with it all. and i’m tired of it. all of it. i’ve hit my limit.

and maybe, just yet, i don’t have the answers to all those questions. but thank god, for my counselor. thank god, for medication. thank god for the people who love me, and who by doing so remind me of the things i should love about myself. because the way i have been, is not okay. it shouldn’t be okay for anyone. and it’s going to start to not be okay for me from now on.

it started when i was little; that became my role. please others. make others okay, even before you are okay…regardless of whether you are okay. say yes. make it okay. make others happy. it is no one’s fault…it’s my own fault for allowing it to continue all this time.

it started when i was little and it’s continued my entire life. my best friends have always been more dominant females; pean in particular. i tend to bend to what i think they want me to be, to how i think they will approve of me. it wasn’t their fault. i firmly believe that when i stopped doing that with her, that may have had something to do with how things are now; not the entire reason by any means, but that’s when friction started between us, when i stopped caring what she thought of me…i actually went through a period like that. a very brief period when i stopped caring what anyone thought for a while.

i’ve done it with most of my boyfriends. i started sleeping with them because ‘that’s what you’re supposed to do’. i remember the very first time. albeit i felt at the time like he really cared about me, but i remember being scared to death at the potential of that action when we were discussing it. scared to death, and i did it anyway to please him, to gain his approval.

when i got out of high school i did it. i started going to shoreline community, not because i felt like it was the right thing to do, or because i actually wanted to. i did it because that’s what i was supposed to do. because it pleased my mother, because she approved of it. and because i wasn’t the one who really wanted me to be attending there, i flunked out miserably. it wasn’t her fault though. i went there for my own motivations and they weren’t the right ones.

i chose not to go to beauty school when i was 20 or 21 because no one approved of it, because the idea of it didn’t please anyone but myself. i remember talking to my friends about it and being so excited at the idea of doing something that i thought would be so fun. then i remember my family’s reaction, specifically, my mother. hair is not something that “smart people” do for a living. it wasn’t something that i should do. i wasn’t strong enough to say ‘i want to do this anyway and i’m going to make it happen’.

it was at it’s most extreme when i met george (and i hate to go around having to mention the name again but i think it’s necessary…i still haven’t worked all the way through that…i shoved it under a rug). i let him hit me, terrify me and control me. i did everything that i thought would please him, the catch was that people of his sickness can never be pleased. they’ll have you jumping through dangerous, self-destructive hoops the rest of your life if you let them. i let him tear me apart.

and i think that is maybe when the depression really started. at that point i was in “the red” as far as what i had to give to others, and i still am. talked with my counselor last night and we talked a lot about my need to please others and gain their approval. she said that doing that, bankrupting yourself in the name of having everyone else say to you that you’re okay can lead to depression, if you’re prone to it. i’ve continued to do it for the past few years, the depression has gotten worse and the anxiety, certainly, got worse. i do it for everyone, for my family, my friends, j. i want to be able to tell myself that i’m okay. that it’s okay to put myself first sometimes.

i think my mom realizes it…what i do. when she agreed to come over and let the dogs out everyday that i’m doing overtime i thanked her up and down and every direction. she said ‘it’s okay, it’s nice to be able to help you for once’. it almost choked me up to hear it and i don’t know that she realizes what that did for me to be able to hear it. the permission that i can allow others to help me and they will still approve of me.

i’m tired. it scares me to change the way i do things because i’m afraid i won’t have everyone’s approval anymore. i want to be able to say “so what”. so what if no one approves of my life choices? so what if people don’t like it when i start saying ‘no’ instead of saying ‘yes’ all the time to everyone? so what if i’m the only person in my life that thinks what i do, or how i behave is okay? so what.

my ‘assignment’ this week is to be unafraid. unafraid.