i already miss you.
this is the part of me that hates attachments…that wishes i could detach more and care less because i’ve never been able to stand it when people go away. situations like this make me want to rebel against my need to attach to people and love them.
but i suppose that’s one of the things that people like about me.
it’s hard to decide what to “keep” and what to leave behind when trying to rearrange ones self.
thinking that i’ve been lied to about something.
i usually trust my perception…because after a lie, there is something thick and intangible that hangs in the air between two people. i feel it. but i also know that sometimes our instincts are not correct, when those instincts are being filtered through a whole lot of stuff before becoming a thought.
having a lot of anxiety. i’m trying my hardest not to take any meds. it’s weird. it’s not as if it makes me intoxicated or anything, or that it would make it so that i couldn’t do my job. just have this odd barrier against taking medication at work.
i’ve stopped drinking coffee, hoping maybe that will help. i want it to stop.
saw my dr. yesterday and he said after talking to me a bit that he perceives that i’m doing a little better. suppose he’s right. it will be another few weeks at the same dose i’m on of zoloft to see how that goes and then see about possibly raising it if necessary. it’s nice that i’m seeing him, because we spent a lot of time talking yesterday about taking care of myself, of how i deserve to take care of myself before taking care of others. which is good, that we spoke about that, because it ties into my feeling of having to get approval from everyone around me to feel okay. i deserve to give myself my own approval. he also talked about the guilt feelings that go along with depression…yah i know. cheesily enough, he said i should try that thing where you wake up in the morning and look at yourself in the mirror and say ‘i’m a good person’. looked in the mirror this morning at 5am and had a fleeting thought about it, then decided it felt too silly to say.
trying my hardest to have as much patience as possible with this process. i know it takes time to get stable and get okay. as much as i wish, it can’t happen overnight. i’m sure at some point soon, probably sooner than i know it, i will look back and say ‘how could i ever have allowed myself to exist feeling that way’. and that will be a good feeling.
are starting to go away. although i’m unsure of why that is just yet. the clonopin helps…of that i’m sure. when i need it, it allows me to emotionally settle and let go of things that i will eventually be able to let go of on my own (and once my anti-depressants are at a stable place). it’s allowing me to stop overinvolving myself emotionally in things that are hurtful towards me. it’s allowing me to start to say “so what” to some things that i wasn’t able to before, even just weeks ago. but, then the anti-depressants may be starting to work too a bit.
whatever the cause, it’s allowing me the emotional space from everyone that i don’t allow myself normally. it’s allowing me to be in my own head, but in a good way, rather than be in everyone else’s head and overly concerned with everyone else.
that anxious feeling that comes out of nowhere…the out-of-nowhere, sick-stomach feeling that i have to do something or go somewhere, or that something bad is going to happen…is happening less and less (again, the clonopin or the zoloft…not sure). the crying, less and less.
and maybe it’s just the temporary stuff that is helping. maybe it will be a while before i don’t feel anymore like i need it. i do have to say that even if that’s the cause of how i’m feeling lately, which is a bit better, that it’s been nice to have a sneak peek of what i should be feeling like normally. it’s nice to sit there and think ‘this is what normal people must feel like’…clued in, present, calm, peaceful, attentive, okay. that’s what i should feel like most of the time, rather than feeling keyed up and overwhelmed most of the time. i haven’t felt normal in a long, long time.
it’s starting to open up a door. whereas before i couldn’t really see anything in front of me and no way out, i’m starting to get glimpses of how things can change…of how that might be possible. i get glimpses of myself emotionally stronger, intellectually stronger, more assertive. i can see myself as the person who doesn’t let herself be led around to make other people happy, who confidently asks for what they need from people and doesn’t put up with it like it’s okay when it doesn’t happen. that person that leaves when they’re being mistreated, or when they realize that someone might not respect them…that reaches for what they want in life rather than being afraid. that person that doesn’t need everyone’s approval to make it through a day.
it’s scary. i’m scared. i’m scared to be someone different. i’m scared of what will happen when i’m someone different, and i realize that people might adapt to it and encourage it, or they might decide they can’t deal with me anymore. but i guess i shouldn’t be scared of that, because anyone who cares will love that i’m stronger and will love that i’m okay, when i get there.
hope and faith is what i was missing, and i’m starting to see inklings of them again. i don’t care what anyone has to say about the fact that it’s taken medication to start to get me there.
don’t know…
*if the anxiety is starting to go away, or if it’s just that i’ve got myself so tired right now i can’t be anxious at the moment. maybe it’s better to be tired out of my mind because i notice less what goes on around me.
*if it’s just my negative imagination, or if men really are inherently selfish creatures capable of sensitivity & caring about another’s feelings only when they stand to gain something out of it…and if they don’t stand to gain anything out of it, everyone else’s feeling be damned. or maybe they really don’t understand feelings at all, which is maybe why it’s so easy for them to hurt feelings and simply look the other way.
do know…
*i’m glad i work too much and am too tired to care about anything. i like being at work because everyone is nice, it’s safe and it’s dependable.
*that as soon as i get better and am strong enough it’s time to start making some life plans. and whether or not people fit into those or don’t will just have to become apparent eventually. whether they start making them with me in mind will also become apparent. no one plans their life around me so i will stop planning my life around everyone else. i will stop giving to people the things that i don’t get from them. it’s time that things are equal on all fields and all levels.
*that i hope it gets better soon. and i hope i have the patience to stick this out this time; every other time i’ve just given up and found something to hide myself behind.
