it was a NIN album, and now it’s become my life. forgive the babble that might make less than rational sense, it’s what happens when you cannot eat for 24 hours, even though you try. i am not handling myself well at work today at all and would love to leave, but the only place i have to go is home which is the last place i want to be right now. i wish i was moving out of there tomorrow, i cannot handle it there.
someday maybe i will thank you, the way i’ve come to thank others, for giving me an opportunity to learn about myself: about my ridiculous expectations, about the lies i tell myself and the lies i allow others to tell me…or maybe for reminding me that one cannot count on most people, one can count on themselves, their creator and if they’re lucky, family. at almost 30 years old, i still hang on to the expectation that if i treat others a certain way, if i respect them and consider them, that they will do the same for me, that when i commit to someone and they say they’ve committed to me in some way, it means a similar thing to them that it means to me. someday, i might come to these conclusions, but right now i’m angry, shocked and more hurt than i have been in years.
how do you do that to someone? go on for months pretending that you want certain things with them, tell them how excited you are to start your life with them, to have children with them eventually, tell them how much you love them and are committed to them…and then one day hit them with “i’m going to leave for the winter”; having already made the decision (and that was obvious) prior to having any sort of discussion with the person you’re supposedly in love with. no consideration to how they might feel about it whatsoever. how do you do that? i wouldn’t have done that to you. someone who has become a good friend said to me last night ‘well that’s great, that means you’re a good person’ which, while kind, doesn’t do me much good…i don’t think it’s about good person or bad person, it’s about integrity & character. i just wouldn’t do it. but i suppose at this point there are lots of things i could say that about and it doesn’t matter…it doesn’t matter how i would treat someone else because it doesn’t change how they are going to treat me. i would argue that a person that does put their relationship as a priority, that puts a person as a priority, that truly loves someone, would give them some warning that this was a decision that might be made…they wouldn’t make haphazard, flighty, and sudden decisions while only considering themselves.
and at a time when both of us know the relationship is not solid, is not secure, is not okay, i wouldn’t have made the choice to leave…and if i did make that choice i would already know what i was choosing…to walk away. and i think that’s why you were crying when i got home…because you already knew that. you knew we wouldn’t last through something like this, at this particular time. so why couldn’t you just say “i’m choosing this instead of our relationship”. why couldn’t you be honest with me at least once?
i thought i knew you, i really did. as insecure as our relationship is, i was at least secure in the fact that you weren’t going anywhere, because that’s the impression that you let me have. i was secure in the fact that you wanted to make it better; and it’s like being hit in the face with ice cold water to realize that i was lying to myself the whole time, and now i can’t help but feel like you were lying to me about that too. i miss who i thought you were and who you pretended to be to me. so i do miss you; i wanted you, you’re right, i don’t need you or anything from you…want and need are two very different things. and i’m glad i don’t need you, i’m glad i wanted you, because at least that part of me is healthier than it used to be.
you said everything is pointing in the direction telling you you should go. so i say, go then. if this is the reality and you can do this in the manner that you did, then everything is pointing in the direction that you don’t give a damn about me, that maybe our relationship just provided you with some sense of security, that it wouldn’t have mattered whether it was me or someone else here, that you’ve found something more exciting and better, that you’re not ready to stop playing around & can’t be honest with me about that either, that everything that happens in mexico can stay in mexico for sure because i didn’t deserve for my feelings and my heart to be tossed aside; and if this is all true then i will move on and forget about everything. i’ve done it plenty of times by now, it’s old hat, as they say.
