Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

http://enjoyment.independent.co.uk/food_and_drink/features/article295902.ece

but it goes like this…give everything and expect nothing.

if you’re giving everything and expecting nothing, it will come back to you in some form anyway…even if it’s not from the people you gave it to. it doesn’t matter where it comes from…only that it will come from somewhere.

even if the people that you give everything to don’t see it or don’t want it or don’t appreciate it (or you) you still go on giving everything to the next person. eventually they will learn enough to know what they did not appreciate, and will appreciate it the next time they receive it from someone.

of course, to even begin participating in the process you have to be ready to give everything in the first place.

if i was prettier, it wouldn’t be so easy for people to walk away from me and act like i don’t exist when they feel like it. maybe it sounds ridiculous, but i don’t care right now. maybe they would act excited about spending the rest of their lives with me, they would want to start it as soon as possible. people wouldn’t ask as a means to hopefully lock me up, which has happened in the past, or eventually ask out of obligation.

maybe if i wasn’t so damn sensitive & breakable i wouldn’t take everything personally. people could act like assholes and i wouldn’t care; i would have the strength to just walk away and figure that’s just how it goes sometimes. maybe if i didn’t need people and people knew i didn’t need them they wouldn’t figure that they could act insensitively, treat me badly knowing that i’m just going to sit there and deal with it. maybe if i didn’t allow people so much leeway and maybe if i didn’t depend on them and i didn’t let them know that i do then i wouldn’t be disappointed when they do hurtful things or say hurtful things. it would just roll off like water.

maybe if i loved myself, and loved everything i have ever done knowing that it’s made me, me i would be more loveable. maybe if i had a normal brain i wouldn’t have weird emotional issues that make me anxious and nervous and irritable. i wouldn’t feel guilty about anything, i wouldn’t regret anything. i would live only for myself and i would not care what others do. if i made decisions solely for myself, i would know i was making righteous ones, i would feel good about them, and i would not carry them around for months or years afterward, allowing them to have restrictions on what i can deal with and what i can’t, what i can handle seeing and what i can’t.

maybe if i knew how to make myself happy, i could make my mother happy. she cries now, because she knows that i and my sisters are not. there are things i know would make me happy, but they seem to not be happening-some of it is up to me to do and for some reason i’m just not doing them. some of them are other people’s decisions, and that i cannot do anything about, other than, eventually make my own decisions to take me in different directions.

maybe if i loved everything about myself, and i was strong, and the people in my life always respected me and were honest with me, and i was doing the things i truly want to do, and i respected myself, and thought i was beautiful no matter what anyone said or did then maybe i would love life. because right now i hate it.

three or four times now this week i have gone to make that phone call. i have thought about it during work, i have thought about it in the middle of the night when i am angry and crying and cannot sleep. i have tried to imagine how i could ask for help and i come up with nothing. i don’t know what to say to them, i don’t know how to explain what is wrong. i know what will happen when i finally get in front of someone and they start asking me questions, it’s what always happens. they ask me questions about myself and i cry, and things don’t come out the way i want them to, so then i get scared that i’m not saying what i need to say to get the right help. i have done this two times in the past year. both times i just stopped going. both times i just got scared and didn’t go back. i know that they are trained as professionals not to judge, and all of them have heard worse things than anything i probably have to talk about, but i’m scared that they will judge me, that they will be thinking things about me and i won’t know it.

i know that the biggest piece to being happy is thinking about things differently, learning to think about my past differently in order to be at peace with it-in order for it not to be what’s directing my decisions and emotions, learning how to break self-destructive patterns, thinking about myself differently. when it comes right down to it everything on the outside doesn’t matter as far as whether i’m happy or not. i can delude myself until the day i die if i really want to, telling myself that all of that stuff, if it was just the way i wanted it would make me okay. i don’t really want to live like that though. once the inside changes everything on the outside will change the way it’s supposed to, whatever way it works out. if i don’t fix my brain and my heart, it won’t matter whether or not i go to school, what i do for a living, whether i marry or not, whether or not i choose to have children, what friends i have. none of it will make any difference.

i want someone to make the phone call for me.

whoever it was that wrote that song about not placing faith in human beings was right. they are unreliable things. your silly little feelings will get stepped on almost everytime.

i’m just too stupid to stop doing it.

*go home and scream and cry until i can’t scream and cry anymore.

*be with the person that i’ve spent the last straight month with because the person that’s here now i’d rather not know.

*run away.

*not be at work.

*call in sick tomorrow.

*move out of my apt.