Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

‘moon shadow’ by cat stevens. random thought.

this weekend has not been long enough at all. spent one night up at the lake with my mom, j, karen and sneaky tim. it was a bad night and a good night in a way all at once. it’s frightening how instantaneously our brain reacts to something once we’ve been trained to it. it’s really too hurtful to go much farther into it than that. it is disturbing to me, that i am radically different in situations than i used to be before. sort of always on “survival mode”. it is easy to blame our reactions to things on a specific person, during a specific time, but after a certain point it becomes natural even in situations that are not exactly the same; only vaguely similar, and probably not a real threat in the first place. i think if i had left someone earlier, i could have spared my brain that. but one cannot change the past. it’s good though, to realize that about myself. only by fully realizing something in the first place, are we really able to begin to change it. also, in relationships sometimes, i think that things have to come to a head or a boiling point, rather, to start healing or to start opening things up. i pray to god that’s all that really happened this weekend…because the alternative is just too much to bear.

also, i am fortunate to have the family that i have. another random thought.

not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow.

also, i might get to go to san francisco for the fourth of july. i’m excited. i love that city and would be living there were it not for the fact that my entire family lives here. also, it would be the first trip that j and i took together that was just for us.

and stressed out and disappointed, that i cannot speak.

the following are things that have massacred my attitude and mood for some time to come:

@ i received a parking ticket during my advising appt. that i was so excited to go to…
@ i do not have enough transferable credits at this point in time to transfer to the UW…
@ i do not have enough transferable credits because i thought it was a great idea to take stupid specialized classes so that i could work with irresponsible, blaming drug addicts…
@ i also do not have enough transferable credits because i screwed up at shoreline because i was going to school when i wasn’t ready to. i was going to school then in the first place because as i always had to do, i had to make everyone around me happy by doing what was expected of me. i also screwed up because i thought at the time that it was a really good idea to do drugs and hang out with a bunch of screw-ups…
@ unless i quit the job i have now and find a more flexible one (translating into less pay) i cannot really do the programs i want to do even when i have enough credits to transfer to an academic program. if i stay at the job i have now, i’m left with programs that are not as desirable as the ones i want to do. the ones i want to do, conveniently all being during the day…
@ i cannot take a job for lesser pay because i have to pay my bills and have a place to live…
@ i feel like i’ve wasted too much time in the past 4-5 years. if i had worked hard enough and not been focusing on other people i could have been done with all this now…
@ it’s going to be like calling christ to the earth to somehow come up with enough money to go to the schools i want to go to…
@ i feel like i cannot do this…
@ i can’t get to my Dr. to get a prescription i really really need because all the appt.’s are during the day and for some reason every time i request some hours off with sick time to go to one i get denied…
@ why is it always the woman who ends up being solely responsible for the birth control anyway?
@ i have to pay someone to listen to me because the people i know either don’t have time, or don’t want to listen, or walk away when i express even minor things to them (so how on earth would i be expected to talk to them about more serious things?), or are just too loud when i’m around them to listen or notice me…
@ i was supposed to have a child in a week and the closer i get to that date and time the more angry and nutty i get…partly because i’ve hardly talked about it at all this whole entire time…
@ because i don’t talk to anyone about anything and stuff it all inside somewhere wherever it will fit, i feel that i cannot control my emotions, any of them…
@ if i could have moved home for a while i wouldn’t be having half of the problems that i’m having…

i feel like i do have dreams of how i want my life to be and it just really doesn’t seem like it’s headed that way at all soon. i don’t feel like i’m any closer than i was three years ago to having anything in my life the way i want it. and that’s pretty bad i think, because three years ago i felt like i was in a pit of hell. and i pretty much was, one that i had chosen. stress, frustration, depression, anger and disappointment are causing me to lose my perspective as well as my willingness to make things better, or make things the way i want for myself.

is my appt. at the UW with an advisor. i will spend the whole day racked in nervousness, i already know this, because i started feeling it at 7am. i’m scared that they will tell me that i don’t belong there. i think that maybe that might be why i never applied there in the first place when i was 18. i chickened out. i really want to go back…i’m at that point. yesterday a girl that works in my dept. found out her grades from graduating with her BA and that’s when that feeling hit me. the ‘i want that for myself’ desire. i need to go back and i’m ready to do whatever it takes to do that.

although i’m still not totally sure what, exactly, i want to do.

i think my desire is still leaning towards doing something with people, because i think professionally at least, i’m good with people. i get them.

for example, a lady called in the other day complaining that the barista took too long talking to the lady in front of her, who had a child with her. she made comments that were absolutely laced with disgust, not directed at the employee, but at the customer in front of her…inferring that she must have had all the time in the world being a “stay at home mom” or something, to be able to listen and chat for two minutes about what she would like to drink. she had said that she must have been busier than the woman in front of her, she actually said, “i’m probably the busiest person in this whole town”. to have to talk to her upset me on two levels…1) that as a woman she was attacking another woman’s choice of lifestyle, making it seem less than noble, or as if her’s was better. all because she was unhappy with her own. (recently read about this…about women attacking a woman’s choice to be a stay at home mom, or even to be a mom in the first place) 2) that i couldn’t ask her what i really wanted to ask her. because what i wanted to suggest is that maybe her phone call and her complaint wasn’t really about not having time after all, that probably a bigger issue was going on. but that was a different job. at this job i have to pretend it’s ok that they attack other people, that women don’t realize how much we attack each other…and i have to apologize to boot.

i went on a tangent. i’m nervous. you’d think that i was going on a freaking interview.

when they’ve committed to going somewhere they don’t really want to go? considering someone’s feelings will be hurt if one doesn’t go, and one has already committed as has already been stated?

really.

to say things out loud and get them off your chest.

i’m going to do this more often…because it makes me feel better.