Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

and i don’t even want to talk about the reason because i would be told that it’s all in my head; that i’m insecure and therefore probably imagining it. insecure? probably…in fact certainly right now. imagining it? definitely not. it’s noticeable because i’ve never run into this issue before with anyone, it’s noticeable because i didn’t notice it in the beginning. it’s noticeable because i already don’t feel okay in general. and when it happens in front of my face it makes me angry because it makes me want to apologize for things that aren’t my fault and that i shouldn’t feel like i have to apologize for…that i’m not blond, that i’m not striking. one of the loneliest feelings in the world really is when someone you love is not really there even though they’re sitting right next to you.

p wrote in her journal about getting to a certain point in life where you are no longer presenting yourself for the benefit of others…or rather worrying about the impression you make on others, about just presenting yourself as you are and it either works or it doesn’t work. i want that. i want to be able to do that and know that if i don’t work for someone that’s okay. even in the personal relationships i already have; i no longer want them to be things that jerk my center around, but things that are fulfilling and things that i can have without losing myself in them. because she’s probably right about that too…when we become too dependant on others opinions of us, or start to wrap all our self-worth up in one thing or one person, how can we really be whole enough to have relationships with others? and how can we feel okay within ourselves? you can’t.

i don’t want to spend too much time in bars anymore, i’m beginning to think they’re a little bit poisonous to the soul. i want to spend more time with the friends i can laugh with. i want to spend more time with the friends that make me feel better about myself when i’m around them. i want to read more and watch less t.v. which, in doses of too much, is also a little poisonous to the soul too depending on what you watch. i want to spend time mentally loving each and every part of my body, as much time as it takes, until i love all of it. i want to do that with my life and my heart as well; i want to love everything that has ever happened even if it was painful because it happened for a reason and it’s part of my experience. i want to love it instead of being angry and hurt about it still. i want to love every part of my personality, especially what is not perfect about it, just because it belongs to me and because it’s an opportunity to learn more and change something. i want to be surrounded by people who truly care about others, and who behave in a way that says that. i want to know and spend more time with people who lead honest lives, honest about who they are, honest about what they do and honest in what they say. i want to know more positive women who act like sisters with other women, rather than acting like competitors.

i don’t think that’s too much to want. it might, however, be too much to actually do in the state that things are in lately.

it’s a little ridiculous. but when things happen it’s kind of like a huge mountain falling upon my head. what should be pinpricks become full on wounds.

i’m tired of it. it takes too much energy to feel like that. i’m tired of being afraid of everything and everyone. i’m tired of not being able to fully trust anyone.

and now i have a stupid bacterial thing going on which makes me feel 10 times worse. i once read a theory that your body becomes sick/diseased in the places that are connected somehow with something emotional/mental/spiritual that you haven’t healed. this is something that keeps happening; someone is trying to tell me something.

i totally have weekends off again for the next three months.

sometimes it’s little things that make things in general seem a little better.

the less aware a male becomes of your feelings. i wonder if that’s where some of the friction comes from in relationships. generally i think that women become more aware of a partner’s feelings; my theory is that men are the opposite.

i feel like there’s a period of time when they are either really good at pretending your feelings matter, or they actually do matter a whole lot during that period…once that time passes it becomes a different phase. the autopilot phase…which is distinctly different than the autopilot i’ve been on much of the time lately because things seem too much to handle. autopilot where they get really good at not really listening but seeming like they are, where they don’t really think consciously about things before they say or do them. after you recently had an argument about a person’s sensitivity regarding certain issues why would you ask someone to spend the night at your place when there’s baby stuff going on there? i don’t expect anyone to understand anymore, least of all a man, how you could make a decision intellectually that you know is the right one for the situation, even while it tears you up emotionally. i don’t even expect anyone to listen obviously otherwise i would actually talk about it, that’s for the professionals eventually. but is it too much to ask that if people are going to choose to be around, that they at least be aware of something that is sensitive?

it could be that i’m negative lately and that’s where that thought is coming from; but it’s also possible that there is some truth to at least some of what i’m thinking. the older i get the more i feel like i become aware of what men realistically are and are not capable of and i think that’s sort of a good thing. and also what i am or am not capable of. one cannot live in the clouds their whole life.

eligible for benefits probably in may. i should be okay until then.

i don’t want to go all weird and anorexic on you either P. i’ll warn you first.