Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

i’m totally going to have to pay my rent late this month. i suck.

actually, it sucks that i don’t get paid until the 7th in order to do that.

all the nuts are calling today. i know what males are talking about now when they talk about the ‘cliche’ stereotypical whiny wife and how they fear that happening to them. for 15 minutes today i visited that hell; i had the cowered husband on the phone repeating everything that the wailing wife was crying about in the background.

lord let me never be like that.

i totally just hung up on someone for the first time at work.

oops

it’s okay. it’s better than the job i hated. had i stayed there probably i’d be nuts by now.

although the schedule that i ‘randomly’ ended up with leaves a little to be desired. tue-sat. which means that not only do i have to work six days this week (thinking along the lines of a “normal” week like everyone else in the free world works) but that i also have to work on new years day. thanks. not normal wamu weeks start on sat. why is that necessary?

realized something the other day which really weirds me out. when i first started dating someone “normal” (normal being hard to define, for these purposes it means someone who doesn’t have major abusive disfunction) i was still constantly on edge. i had forgotten what it was like to be around a ‘normal’ person. it felt weird to not have to worry about whether the phone might ring since i was scared to even pick it up most of the time because what if it was a male that i was friends with and then things would be anxious and weird the rest of the day. it felt weird to wake up and not have to monitor what i did in the morning in case it could be seen as not normal or strange and i might get accused of not really going to work but really going to cheat. it was strange to go out somewhere and wear whatever i wanted, hang out with whomever i pleased and be told that i looked nice rather than being told i looked like a slut and questioned about why i was wearing it. i couldn’t get used to not having to be constantly on alert about what i was saying, how my demeanor could be perceived, who i was talking to, who i was looking at or what could potentially be made into a problem by someone else.

i realized all this stuff when it first ended. that i had completely forgotten how things probably should be. normal while dating someone had become totally foreign.

the same thing has happened with all the bad stuff though and i really hadn’t consciously thought about it before the other day. there are things i still do that are a result of all that stuff. but for the most part i have forgotten what it was like to wake up every day to something and someone like that.

except for the things that are deep-rooted, normal has sort of become normal for me again.

so that really is one of the joys of aging every year; you get to look back at who you used to be and (well, hopefully) see how far you’ve come.

and i’m trying to talk to people about their loans. it’s not so bad; no one has yelled at me yet so it’s okay so far. i think most of it is just getting past my whole psychological block that i have against anything having to do with numbers and my perceived lack of competence at dealing with them. i see numbers and like shut down usually. i do it at work now even though i’m not actually doing any math.

i was thinking today that the whole computer age thing is ridiculous; there are like hundreds of passwords that i have to keep track of both at work and personally. it’s enough to make a head spin; maybe it’s just that i’m tired.

even with a new puppy.

i am left exhausted, a little sad, broke and with a brain that hurts. not to mention the fact that i am still on hyper-emotional-state mode, which serves to help me in freaking out about everything. it’s okay to feel things, or be upset by things; however the internal feelings, how they feel overwhelming emotionally and physically, are enough to cause me to go absolutely mad.

other than these things christmas with my family was great as usual. at least on christmas there is minimal arguing and bad attitudes flying around; it tends to bring the best out in everyone. it’s the only time of year when anyone says at a family gathering ‘i don’t want to go home because then it will be over’ (my mom). i felt the same way today. i wish it could be that way all year no matter what the occasion. maybe after the family meeting happens that i’ve been wanting to have for years it could be.

you think if someone actually really cared whether they spent time with you on a major holiday that they would make sure that happens? that maybe if they needed to go out of town they would plan ahead in order to do both? that maybe if they wanted you to go with them for even part of the time they’d invite you ahead of time as well, not the day before they plan to leave? that they wouldn’t wait for you to invite yourself, or to assume you were invited? maybe. maybe not.

relationships are a difficult road to navigate indeed. how to decide what kind of imperfections you’re willing to deal with for a long period of time. everyone is going to cause disappointing situations sometimes, people are human; it’s just deciding what kind of disappointing situations are liveable and which are not.

one solid thing i know; buying someone little things all the time, or financially extravagant gifts doesn’t mean much when you’re not there for important things, and when you don’t consciously consider how you’re going to participate or not participate in people’s lives that you love. that means being prepared to be there when bad things happen despite how difficult it may be for you to deal with whatever bad thing that happened, it means being considerate and planning things more than a day in advance so as to avoid having any part in someone else’s feelings of being unimportant. it means lots of things. it also means you don’t treat someone as if they’re a witch (or that feelings are ‘wrong’ or invalid) because they might feel a certain way aboutsomething.

one major thought i’m left with this year is that i wish people could act all year the way most of them act around the holiday. life in general would be much better.