Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

or to claim that they all suck past a certain point in our lives. i’ve hit that point…i hit it a few years ago because i’ve now had a few sucky birthdays in a row. i won’t mislead myself into thinking that this one will be any different. with the exception of getting a really pretty bracelet as a present so far, my birthday this year will suck because:

a) once again, i will wake up alone on the morning of my birthday. i don’t know why that bothers me so much every year. even when i’m seeing someone in the past few years it happens. i don’t get it.

b) one of my sisters can’t even afford to go to the same restaurant i make everyone go to every year where dinner only costs about $10 each…or less depending on what you get.

c) i’m tired of always having to plan my own birthday stuff. of having to be the one to call everyone and make sure they’re there.

d) i have to spend half my birthday day working at the most hateful job i’ve ever had in the whole history of my work experience.

e) the number of friends who will remember to at least call me on my birthday? 2. and they’ve both already called.

f) i can’t call one of my friends who keeps calling me because she’s pregnant. i just can’t bring myself to do it.

g) probably i will have to work at the hateful job on thursday as well so i won’t be able to go out and do anything besides dinner on my birthday. not to mention the fact that i can’t do anything for it this weekend either because there’s too much freaking other stuff going on.

h) still have an issue with someone’s living situation which is making me unhappy that i don’t know what to do about. still avoiding stepping foot in the house as if it had the plague which feels completely weird and irritating. avoiding talking about it even so i just sit here quietly resenting the whole deal, putting band-aids over something that can’t be ignored forever.

i) have lots of weird cramps still that make me really sad sometimes.

happy birthday.

“If you got a one on one you pretty much got the job. The
assessment and group interview are the screens, the one on one ‘usually’
is more of a ‘getting to know you’ sit down.”

i’m not going to totally get my hopes up though; then it’s just more disappointing if it doesn’t happen. i’m glad it’s a nice gay man that’s interviewing me; i seem to get along well with them.

maybe i should be gay too. i think that 99% of straight men are inconsiderate and selfish. they don’t understand that when two people decide to spend time together they find something to do that is agreeable to both parties. they don’t give the impression that they’re going to hang out at home all night so that you decide you don’t want to do that…and then end up going out to a bar to leave you sitting at home when you had plans in the first place. i’m sure there are gay women who are just as inconsiderate and selfish, however i’m beginning to believe that it’s something engrained more in males. even when they tell you that “they’re different” than most guys. right.

who am i kidding? i can’t be gay by choice. i can be abstinent though. that’s always a possibility.

finally looked at this website and i’m totally going this year with my pat.

http://www.womenssummersolstice.com/index.htm

but i just don’t want to go over there. i’m not excited about it, i don’t think the situation is fun at all. i didn’t put myself in the situation in the first place. i’m still trying to decide if it’s something i want to deal with. i stopped being into self-sacrifice a long time ago; i stopped being into it when i stopped being seriously involved with someone whom i allowed to “put me in situations” compromising my comfort level time and time again that i was just “supposed” to deal with.

i don’t want to go over there and pretend to have a good time at a house where a girl lives that i was lied to about. a girl who the last time i was in a place to spend any time with her felt the need to tell me after i told her my ex was her ex-roommates friend that she had a one night stand with him. who tells strangers that? who gives information like that when it doesn’t need to be given to someone who may feel weird about it? and maybe it doesn’t take me a whole lot to not like a girl, fine; that’s also my perogative. i don’t like most girls in the first place. i avoid them unless they’re really likeable and don’t do weird things for weird reasons that i can’t figure out.

it’s also my perogative to not want to put myself in situations that make me uncomfortable. i’m almost 27; i don’t have to do things that make me feel weird.

my pat has pointed out to me that most of what is in here lately is…i don’t remember what word she used exactly…disagreeable? angry? that’s about the jist of it. i could apologize about that but i don’t think i need to; i can’t help it lately. better here than in everyone’s ears. at least it’s somewhat contained now. or is that holding things in? i don’t know anymore.

the most ridiculous thing i’ve seen in a long time is mile long lines of people outside all the stores up here at 5:00am in the morning.

also, everytime i have to speak to dbn i think i hate him a little more.