Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

as piglet and i decided last night. better a funny one than a sad one at least.

case and point…went to public health today and was filling out paperwork when who should walk in? none other than erin. it was like a weird sign of some sort if you believe in that sort of stuff. in all our years of living within 20 minutes of each other since middle school i’ve never once ran into her unplanned. ever. unless you count taco hell in high school…i don’t though because both our boyfriends were working there. anyway i told her what was going on and she said ‘i must have just been meant to run into you here to tell you everything will be okay and that this is the best time of your life’. weird. i’m glad she was there; i can add one more person to my support network. i have a lot. which is good because i sorely need them.

she told me that when she went through the very same thing it was the first time she realized just how much and how many people truly loved and cared about her. i kind of feel the same way.

kristen keeps telling me i’m stronger than i think i am. it’s not that i doubt my strength. i just hate fear…i don’t deal very well with it.

and i still can’t totally figure out why. i haven’t yet gotten a negative word from anyone that i’ve talked to about it. on the contrary all i’ve gotten are words of support and reassurance that no matter what happens things will be okay. it’s calmed me down.

the conversation i had with my mom the other night was way overdue. by way overdue i mean a conversation where i was able to go to her as a daughter and not have to be worried about what she thought or whether she would get upset. where i went to her with an issue that you need your mother for. and i couldn’t have asked for anything better as far as how understanding and caring she was in dealing with me. sadly for the first time in a long time i realized how lucky i am to have her. better than never realizing it.

that stubborn pride i have in my competence at dealing with things will suit me well in this situation more so than any other. i know that if i decide to do what my gut reaction tells me, at some point someone will probably want to chip in their 2 cents about my decision; whether it’s my father or a ‘well-meaning’ friend. i think that at the very least in this situation i’m completely justified in saying to someone, ‘if you don’t support what i’m doing then don’t hang around and tell me about it’. i was done defending my decisions a long time ago.

even if i had a computer at home right now i think i still wouldn’t put much in here. when i do have the time and i’m on my own i retreat so much from everything that i don’t even want to write about anything.

it seems i can no longer just blame my pat for not having time for me. it’s me as well that is being eaten alive by too many things to do lately. just work really. i am sorry my dear for being too tired to help out with the kitchen pirates thing on sat. i just had to go home that day after having worked at too many jobs the week before.

were i in the mood for full disclosure there is a potentially serious issue i could explore. a fairly life-changing one depending on which way it goes. there’s really no point though in discussing it as i’m not even at a point where i’m ready to fully confront it and find out if it is a problem in the first place. i can’t do anything but be vague. vague-ness (if that’s a word) i’m ready for. not much else.

also not much opportunity to say it since some freak stole my laptop out of my car a couple of weeks ago.

not much to say as it seems to be all stuck in my head. not real good at verbalizing anything lately either. although there is a lot that i’m thinking about. like:

~what things do i really, passionately want to do before i’m too old or too stuck somewhere to do it?
~how wrong is it to be in contact with someone by e-mail only. do i even want to give someone that option?
~is moving somewhere something that i really will regret not doing later on down the road if i don’t do it? where would i even really want to go that i was comfortable at?
~why, oh why is my cat so irritating?
~i need some more hobbies.
~i want to take more vacations.
~i want to make more money.

real fascinating. i know.