Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

http://www.caesars.com/MCMSWebSites/Templates/Special/Flamingo_Hub.aspx?NRMODE=Published&NRORIGINALURL=%2fflamingo%2f&NRNODEGUID=%7bD28C78DB-A5FC-4CC3-B91C-2010990292F6%7d&NRCACHEHINT=Guest

of course i would put up a ridiculously huge link.

so i guess there will be no portland road trip on the way to dave matthews. turns out it is actually closer to get to the gorge from seattle. hmm. :)

this morning when i woke up i was so tired i cried. i was late today as well, so i was angry all the way to work. notes to self: 1. don’t have high anxiety producing conversations within two hours of bed time 2. don’t go to weird internet seminars that start at 8 when you have to go to bed early (maybe, don’t do either of these things at all?).

the highlight of my day today was being asked to work on monday…again. six days a week…again. i guess the other cns who has been gone the whole week had a brother-in-law fall through a roof. who falls through a roof? who has to stay away from work because a brother-in-law got injured? i kind of have to say yes though…it’s overtime and i need every cent i can get my little hands on because i’ll be taking so much time off in the next couple of months.

found out that my work pays some money for full-time employees going to school while they’re working. i asked dbn why he didn’t tell me that before and he said they just started doing it…like they just made it up. i’ve never worked anywhere that helped with school before. talked to dbn briefly about the status of my job there. he mentioned that there is probably some internal things i haven’t worked out that may have something to do with my unsatisfaction. as much as he makes me pull my hair out sometimes, he’s fairly astute as well…that’s why he was a counselor. he also reminded me that he “handed me a supervisor position on a platter” and i didn’t want it. he wasn’t upset about it; said it in kind of a laughing way. but i realized he’s right about that too. it really was handed to me on a platter and i said no. what am i doing?

i got to hear how much cali. bothers someone else last night. if you caused the end of a relationship, how comfortable then would you feel pressuring someone about your feelings on something they do after the end of that relationship? i know i wouldn’t. nor would i discuss whatever it was that they were doing as if i knew what it was all about.

i can’t go through my life living within other people’s expectations. i’ve done it long enough.

i know this because i’m doing that thing again where i hear it in my head frequently during the day. it sounds different up there depending on the situation though. for example:

1) scared. like when the edmonds police show up, literally banging on my door at 4:30 in the morning. because i’m having a wild party that late in the a.m.? because there’s a fight going on in my apt.? no. because the two alarms that i require for my sleeping problem could be heard by my retarded neighbors.

2) disgusted. when i realize after they have left and i can think straight again, that i’m paying taxes so they can waste their time responding to calls like that.

3) angry. like when i’ve reached the end of my patience with dbn following me around making stupid requests and telling me things i already know (because he has a self-admitted control problem at work…which we talk about very openly now. i pretend to think it’s funny.)

4) plaintive and matter of fact. when i realize that i forgot to pay my phone, electric and t.v. bill this month.

5) sadly. when i get text messages from ex’s saying how sorry they are, and how much they love me and would do anything for me. (and it gets said again when i realize i have no idea of how to respond to that).

6) exasperated. when i have to go to my mom’s house to pick up a check from sbux dated august 2003 for vacation hours that apparently they, and i, had forgotten about. money that does me no good unless i want to deal with corporate for months because although they sent it to me now, the check is not valid after “180 days”.

7) frustrated. when i realize that tomorrow is only thursday and i have three more days of getting up before the dawn cracks.

8) horribly disappointed in general. when i realize that i’m only just now starting to realize that now i have another relationship that went bad to “get over”.

it’s a bad habit, i know.

as colin so eloquently puts it.

Colin Christopherson has added this message:
Vegas baby!!

Thank you for choosing Alaska Airlines / Horizon Air!

Name: Eames, Kelly

ITINERARY

September 24 2004
Alaska Airlines Flight 662
Depart: Seattle, Washington at 2:30 pm
Arrive: Las Vegas, Nevada at 4:48 pm

September 27 2004
Alaska Airlines Flight 651
Depart: Las Vegas, Nevada at 9:44 pm
Arrive: Seattle, Washington at 12:10 am

now comes the really fun part. a ride and a dogsitter.

anger makes us do some questionable things. fairly impulsively i might add.

that’s all i have to say about that.

one good thing. colin is nice. he’s going to book my ticket for vegas next month.

that when someone says they love you with such intensity that they want to marry you someday, they wouldn’t want your last impression of them to be one of verbal attacks and infidelity. or so you’d think.

you might also think that if they started a bad fight off with cursing and insults, only to keep it up for hours, they might say they’re sorry for that…or at the very least apologize for the cheating they admitted to you during that fight. yah, you’d think so.

but i guess not. i guess when maybe you didn’t actually genuinely love in the way you said you did in the first place, it doesn’t matter if you attack and hurt because you’re unhappy with how a relationship is going. i guess when you’re male, instead of just letting someone go when you’re unhappy with them, it means you can abuse and cut them to pieces first. then you can walk away cleanly without so much as an apology, because it doesn’t matter.

maybe i shouldn’t be upset about it either. it’s ending just as it began between us….i’m not the least bit important. which i suppose is funny, that i’m saying that, since that was supposedly his justification for attacking me. okay fine, i stopped spending as much time on the relationship for a few reasons, which didn’t matter to him then and wouldn’t matter now…but i didn’t attack out of nowhere. i’ve never attacked or lashed out. maybe i should of, if that was the accepted way of sharing feelings.

lots of things are starting to make sense; they usually do after the storm passes and things clear. one thing has become brilliantly clear; you can’t take someone who was one of your “girl toys”, turn her into a potential marriage prospect in a matter of months and expect it to work out. nor can you leave a terrible relationship, unsure of where you’re supposed to go, only to jump into another one with someone who seems like an angel, want them to make it all better and expect it to work out.

maybe i’m being harsh, that’s because i feel harsh lately. i can’t have this happen again, not this close. next time, the very first out of line remark that someone makes to me, i’m walking. no second tries or third tries. to be quite honest if someone is going to hurt me, i’d rather that they hit me because the marks don’t stay around as long on the body as they do on the brain.