Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

i can go in at 6 instead of 5 on tuesdays and thursdays. it’s something at least. who would have thought that an hour would make such a difference?

unhappy with relationships. not quite so sure how to navigate it. i think that people are probably tired of appeasing me when it comes to that. i will figure something out.

still laughing about the twilight zone question that i was asked a couple of days ago; probably not wise to discuss it this forum, i told pat. that’s enough. being asked to move somewhere completely ridiculous actually made the twilight zone theme play in my head.

it would be really expensive to start an espresso stand. pat was right.

i don’t like my job anymore. i don’t like methadone clients. i don’t like methadone. i don’t think i like drug and alcohol counseling.

last night i had a very unsettling, awkward and unexpected dream. i dreamt that i was going to do heroin. i don’t remember who else was in the dream. all i remember is that there was some heroin in a needle that i kept having with me and i knew i had the intention of doing it.

that makes me really uncomfortable. i need to be doing something else, at least for a while.

i don’t think it was any different situationally than when i used to dream i was making coffee, during times that i worked there when my life was consumed by time spent there; or my thoughts were consumed with the job in general for whatever reason. lately i’ve been consumed mentally by being dissatisfied with my job; it sort of makes sense that i might dream about heroin. kind of.

it doesn’t happen often, since i don’t spend too much time messing around with websites. but happen it does. i don’t know why. i always end up reading something that just proves to makes me angry. all that accomplishes is pile up more ammunition for a psyche that already views most men negatively. it’s like an addiction; i can’t help it. i can’t just ignore things that are sick and twisted.

on the other hand i did find some fascinating information at www.aclu.org about the patriot act. it fascinates me the power that our government holds over us and most of us walk around daily not even thinking about it…wandering around as if everything is great. i already knew that i found pres. bush and his whole administration distasteful; this just added more fuel to the fire.

trying hard not to be lonely. i can’t make decisions based on loneliness. it feels bad to hurt someone else (oh look, that’s not selfish), and it feels bad to miss someone. however i keep thinking a lot about what was said to me during arguments. not to suggest that i said nothing that could possibly be of reproach, but as far as the low blows go (those remarks that are made to cause you to question yourself and everyone else, whether you’re an okay person or not; and that are made for no other reason than to cut you down) i think he had me beat. usually when i feel attacked that way, what i say back is a whole lot worse than what i said. i think the worst of it was when i said ‘you’re just like everyone else’. translated into, ‘you’re no different than other people i’ve dated that were disappointing’. i think that people would actually be amazed (not in a good way obviously because it’s not something to be proud of) at how verbally bad i can get if i choose not to control myself. i learned from the best of them; and i’m not just talking about george.

i didn’t get that bad though; i was in shock most of the time. sitting on my couch, staring at my t.v. that doesn’t work, going ‘who is this person that i’m talking to?’ we have these ideas of what people are like based on what they choose to show us, and also what we choose to see. it’s like waking up to cold water in your face when you realize how off you were in what you saw; or when you see what they didn’t want to show you. i wouldn’t have thought for a moment that anything he would say to me could invoke how i felt yesterday. i had forgotten how that felt, it’s been awhile.

yes, we all say things in anger that we don’t mean. but i think there’s a fine line between what can be excused as ‘i was mad, i didn’t mean it’, and a just plain unacceptable way of arguing. unfortunately i don’t think i’m objective enough to make that call yet, even in my own relationships.

i don’t even want to go to work. i just want to sleep a lot. everything makes me tired.

one of the most frequently asked questions when someone first meets you is ‘what kind of music do you listen to’. to answer this you can either categorize yourself with specific genre, or go into a complicated exchange where you list off various bands or artists you listen to, assuming the person knows the people you’re talking about.

there is a better way to ask this question to effectively know more about a person. in simple terms, no matter what music actually sounds like, it’s just a message. an expression of beliefs, thoughts or emotions put into a creative package. this is why i don’t really care what category something is in; if i like the message, i like the song.

people should ask what kind messages you like to listen to.

it’s a funny thing; often when i’m upset or having some sort of difficulty, excerpts from songs, messages, run through my head.

today when i was arguing with j? ‘human behavior’ by bjork. there really is no map to human behavior, if one existed it wouldn’t help anyway. there is hardly any logic either. if there is it takes herculean mental effort to uncover it at times. to realize the logic behind my own behavior often takes weeks, months, sometimes longer; and even then i may not be correct the first time, or the second and so on. i can only guess at the logic behind other people’s behavior; and guessing just means i won’t necessarily be correct.

like the logic behind why someone would continue to date me if they were really under the impression that i’m such a selfish person. why if they held that opinion, they couldn’t just stand with it on their own; why they would need to bring my friends and family into it and speak for them as well. it’s a naked, betrayed sort of feeling when someone does that. when they attach themselves to everyone else in your life to critisize you. as if everyone is having conventions with your partner about you. depending on how much power you give to the statement they make, it can make you question your relationships with everyone else. and maybe that was the whole point of the remark. and that makes me angry.

it made me angry that i allowed it to make me question things. my family thinks i’m selfish? that must be why i’m usually the only person besides greg’s son who offers to help out with anything like cleaning up after camping trips or dinners, why when I’m irritated I make every effort into holding my tongue instead of snapping at everyone (I can’t say the same for everyone else in my family), the only time i ever say no to helping someone in my family is when i have to work and why whenever one of them has a problem and wants to talk about it i always listen. my friends think i’m selfish? How someone could use the plural form of that word when assuming they can speak for all of my friends considering there is only one friend they’ve had extensive conversations with is beyond me in the first place.

on the other hand if the person in question is correct at all and everyone really does think i’m this terribly selfish person, why not just say something instead of carrying on with me as if I’m an okay person. i’m sure that sometimes i do selfish things without realizing it at the time; everyone does, even if it’s a rare occurrence. however i heartily disagree that someone could have justification to generalize all my behavior and say that i am a selfish person. outright lying is selfish. i have not done that. judging someone’s thoughts and feelings and attacking them for it because it feels undesirable for you is selfish. i have not done that either.

because i gave someone access to my personal thoughts they read some things that were upsetting for them. what was upsetting was not anything i did to disrespect the relationship i had/have with said person. they didn’t like that i spoke on the phone to george. okay. it’s completely acceptable for someone to disagree with something that i do, or to be concerned. i’ve at least learned that about relationships. people who care about me have every right to not support something i do that they don’t think is right. it works both ways. i can disagree with a choice someone makes and still love them. if it hurts me in some way i can express that it hurt me and explain why and vice versa. what i, and everyone else, do not have a right to do is judge or attack because of a choice that someone else made. i’m not justified in saying to someone ‘that’s sickening’, because i didn’t like their choice, nor would i ever. apparently not everyone works the same way. if i’m dating someone, i don’t have a right to be angry at them, and act angry if they talk to someone from their past and choose to share with me that they did, even if it makes me uncomfortable. however, i can express my discomfort. this also, does not necessarily hold true for others.

when the judgment and attacking begin to play a part, it begins to feel like control, which is not something i can condone in any of my relationships. allowing someone’s freedom while loving them at the same time means you allow them to make choices whether or not you agree with those choices; when you do find their choices unacceptable you have choices as well. you can decide that you can’t live with the choices they make and tell them so, or you can express how you felt about the choice and then leave it alone and continue on with the relationship.

in no way am i perfect and i don’t think i ever expressed that i was under that impression. i do know, though, that a while ago i made an internal agreement with myself that i would do my absolute best to refrain from infringing on anyone else’s freedom or dignity in the way they chose to lead their life. needing to be in control of what other people are doing and thinking you have a say in the choices that they make are co-dependant symptoms and i stopped wanting to be like that; it doesn’t feel good. i think that at the very least i do a fairly good job of putting boundaries around my own freedom and allowing the people i care about to have theirs, and have it free from any judgment of mine. if that is what is perceived as being selfish by some people, then so be it, it’s not going to change. i will never go back to the place where i didn’t make choices i wanted to make based solely on the fear of what other people thought, or how they would feel about it.

oregon just keeps looking better and better. oh wait, that’s probably selfish too.

can’t tell if it’s a phase or not but for the moment i’m tired of what i do. my only comfort is the fact that at the new clinic i have absolutely no reason to enter the dispensary, so i don’t have to smell that sickeningly sweet cherry cough syrup smell of methadone.

i won’t make any rash decisions. i’ll wait it out to see if it’s just a phase. this happens to me a lot. all of a sudden i won’t like something will want to be done with it; only to realize a few days or weeks later that it was simply a brief falling out.

i’m tired.