Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

there’s something nagging at me this evening and i have no idea what it is. i have a weird unresolved, unfinished feeling. i don’t like it when i feel like this. like there is something wrong in general, or something wrong with someone i care about or something bad is going to happen or there is something vitally important i didn’t do. going to sleep is going to be the only way to make it stop; but i don’t feel like going to sleep because of the nagging feeling.

today was father’s day; got to see my sisters new apartment and hang out with my dad. i felt weird when i was there too; kind of detached and distant. i don’t know why. maybe that’s the source of the nagging feeling i have now; i know i was distant and weird even though i haven’t seen my dad in a few weeks and now i’m feeling guilty about it?

last night was the marysville parade. i dressed sadie up as a pirate. it was ridiculously cute. they televised the parade last night live, so i was on t.v. briefly (as was sadie).

i want the nagging feeling to go away.

today i laugh in the face of every single person who, for even a moment, ever gave me the impression that they thought i was doing something stupid by doing my internship at THS and being paid poop the whole time. it’s funny to me that there are certain people who thought i was ’selling myself short’, wasting my time for no money or that thought i was just daft for staying there.

i can make right decisions in my life without anyone else’s input. i proved that today.

not only did dbn offer me a job (considering that his supervisors confirm that, yes, he can hire another staff member at this time…which i’m pretty much sure of, because today he talked to me in the same way he talked to me the day he hired me for THS, hypothetical yet solidly at the same time); but he offered me a job that would eventually turn into a position as clinical supervisor there.

i’m worth something professionally after just an internship (okay, i haven’t really worked as in “intern” since i started there, but it still was “just” an internship, not a guarantee of a job ever). someone thought i was good enough at what i do to be sought out and offered a job. i didn’t ask for it. i didn’t call him. he called me.

we won’t talk about money, because although it’s more than i’m making now, it’s not enough to get rich off of or anything, which is just the way it is in this field. it’s really not the money that excites me. it’s that someone thinks highly of the work i do; it’s that i wanted to do something so badly that i hauled my butt through school, started my internship, worked two jobs at various points in that internship because of sacrificing money for knowledge/experience, went without a lot much of the time, listened to god knows how many people complain that i didn’t make enough money (which really made me feel as if they were minimizing my choice of job the whole time, like it was meaningless and stupid)…and because of all that someone thinks a lot of my skills. enough so that if i do everything right i’ll be able to put clinical supervisor on my resume now at the age of 26. it’s a big deal to me. that’s all i know.

had i listened to my mother (bless her heart because i do love her tons) i wouldn’t be making this progress. had i listened to george i wouldn’t have this opportunity either. they gave the loudest complaints which made me feel the worst about the choice i was making.

to everyone who has always offered nothing but their support, you are vital to my heart.

although, despite all that excitement i don’t know how i feel about starting my work day most of the time at 5:30 or 6:00am. that’s going to take a lot of work on my part. he mentioned that today too…he asked if i’d “be able” to do this because he spent two years logging when i was late. i’ll have to sleep a lot, that’s all.

went to get my mail this morning and as i usually do i glanced at the bulletin board where people can post things. there was a sign that said (seriously): “anyone missing a chicken?”. my brain is so fried from stress at work (i think it’s from work) that i for a split second i pictured someone finding a raw chicken somewhere and being so concerned as to post a sign about it. then i realized how stupid that was. i don’t know what is more ridiculous though; someone keeping a raw chicken around, or someone finding a live chicken somewhere and keeping it in case someone is looking for it. weird.

i have to get up at 4:30 tomorrow. to make a long story short dbn called me finally and pretty much offered me a job where he’s at. of course, it would entail meeting him up in lynnwood (where it’s located) at 5:30 in the morning to meet the staff. i hope i can wake up. i think it’s a test. he knows i have a waking up problem sometimes. what kills me is that he knows that about me because he dealt with it for almost two years but he’s still offering me a job.

going to bed now. it’s still light out.

at the age of 26. i am told that i am asking the right questions and learning the right lessons, ahead of many people apparently. but i still don’t “get it”.

i don’t get what attracts us to one person as opposed to someone else. oh sure, there are the usual things that everyone says: he/she is attractive, intelligent, has the same interests, makes me laugh, is generous, is kind blah blah blah. but there are tons of people in the world who share these qualities. i’m beginning to wonder if the reasons are different pieces of the same pie, so to speak. all the ‘usual’ things are one piece, or a few maybe. perhaps another piece, the one that causes me the most worry, is the possibility that we are taught somehow to look for a certain type of person. some of us are lucky and the people we look for are positive, healthy, all in one piece. some are not so lucky and look for the people that are insecure, angry, bad communicators, manipulators, people that are generally found to be in a bunch of pieces all scattered around wanting somebody not just to love, but to help them pick up the pieces. i think maybe i’m in between the two extremes…sometimes i am healthy, sometimes i am in pieces (and yes, at those times, i find myself wanting someone to help me put things together…generally i’m wanting that out of the wrong person; out of a lover instead of a friend or family member). what worries me is the type of people i find myself with; and the ones that find themselves with me, the ones that want me.

why i’m torturing myself with these thoughts is beyond me. i have enough to worry about as far as figuring out myself, without taking this on too.

i have surrendered my ‘i can do it on my own’ attitude. lately my confusion and feelings of lack of control have suffocated me into feeling as if i can’t make good decisions. i have realized fully that the support of my family and friends is more important to me than i have wanted it to be in the past. i have also realized that sometimes the people who care about me with their whole heart, know what i need better than i do. i cannot do things anymore that are going to hurt the people i love and that love me. although at the same time i cannot do things just because others think i “should”. it’s a fine line that i haven’t really learned to walk yet. but until i learn to walk it like an expert, i’ve become okay with surrendering a little bit of my stubborness with that issue.

at the same time that i realize that i really do need my friends and family; their support, their concern for my well-being, their honesty; i realize as well that i cannot continue to base my decisions in romantic relationships on the possibility of what someone else may or may not do. when i do that i’m giving away my control of my own life. i’m “staying stuck” to quote a wise friend. it’s true too. i’m tired of the anxiety that i feel when i’m worrying at other people’s decisions and “how they will affect me”. i concluded today that the anxiety is from the feeling of loss of control. i hate giving my control away, yet at the same time i have done it over and over again.

i have to let something else go as well and i have the sneaking suspicion that this may be the most painful step yet because i will be letting go in a different way than before. this is something that i do actually have to let go my control of. i have to let go of the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘maybes’. ‘what if’ someone will keep a promise made a million years ago? ‘what if’ someone gets better and i miss out on something? ‘what if’ i never see them again? it’s not in my control and shouldn’t be. i have to ’see what happens’. i have to be okay with that. i have to tell them that too. i have to be honest and direct with certain friends and family about some things because by not doing so i run the risk of walking around in that shroud of anxiety that i walked around in for so long. feelings like that can trigger actions; it’s a little like drug addiction. feeling a similar way you did to before, makes you want to do similar things as before.

i just have to let go and hope that fear and hurt don’t get the best of me.

Tickle’s Original Inkblot Test

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Kelly, your subconscious mind is driven most by Curiosity

You are full of questions about life, people, and your own potential. You spend more time than others imagining the possibilities for your life — and you’re open to things others are too afraid to consider.

You have an almost physical need to know and do more. It’s only through new experiences that you feel a greater understanding of yourself and the world. You also have a rebellious streak that shows up when you feel unable to truly influence the world or circumstances around you. Your appetite for novel experiences also shows an openness others don’t have, but wish they did.

Your psyche is very rich; the more you learn about it, the more you will understand who you really are.

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