Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

i would like things to stop moving for a bit. it all simply moves too fast for me lately.

i was at work the other day, looking at my schedule book to see who my next client was and how much time i had until they arrived when i had a pretty sad thought. my life is divided up into sections of time. most of those “sections” originating from work since i’m there all the time. sometimes i look at a client and all i can think is ‘you are a half an hour of my life’. when i notice myself doing that i get ridiculously sad.

this is not to say that i do not like my clients. there are some days when they are really the only enjoyable aspect about being at work…when i enjoy them more so than my coworkers even (actually most of the time lately this is true). there is just too many of them. so many of them, in fact, that when i’m there my time passes, a half an hour at a time, so quickly that i feel like i’m losing parts of my day. i hope things change soon.

talked to dbn today. he more or less alluded that in a month or two he is expecting to hire a counselor and that thus far he has “no one else on the horizon”. granted he did not promise me a job in any way, but i was invited to apply. he said that he would definitely be calling me to keep me appraised of the situation. i told him that i would definitely be answering the phone…speaking to him in ‘davidspeak’ (where everything is very vague and noncommital…no promises unless he is sure) that means if there was to be a position open that he might consider me for i would be extremely interested. i think i’d be a whole lot better off.

got together with my pat for coffee; it’s too great for words that she is back in the area, a phone call and a cup of coffee away again. i missed her too much.

we talked a lot; issues of past relationships came up. sitting here thinking on what was talked about, i’m getting kind of angry and upset. this sort of started last night when i was talking to j; i told him that i was sorry that things that had nothing to do with him (that happened way before him) had affected him. what he said in return made me cry…that basically he understood that things have happened that i’m still getting over and that he accepted that, that he understood that my guard is up about a lot of things.

the conversation last night, combined with the one today, it all just brings it up to the fore front of my mind again and it makes me angry. i know exacty what i’m angry about. i should convey a disclaimer prior to expressing what those are…i understand that i put myself in the situation. everything that i gave up was offered; i chose to remain locked up at least on some level. that having been said…i’m angry at the way he has potentially poisoned my future relationships by poisoning me a little. i’m angry that i’m unsure sometimes what is “normal” in a relationship and what is not…what i should look at closer and what is harmless. i’m angry that i have a skewed perception of boundaries now. i’m angry that i get really anxious when anyone gets upset; that i feel sick to my stomach when people fight or when i get into a fight with someone. i’m angry that i second-guess myself; that i doubt myself. i’m angry that sometimes i don’t feel good about myself…about how i look, or about how i act around people. i’m angry that i compare myself to other women more so than i ever used to as a result of having been threatened with them for so long by someone; that when i’m out with someone new who has given me no reason whatsoever to feel insecure about anything, i watch too closely who he might be looking at and i forget to have a good time…i’m too busy being insecure about the fact that i don’t know if i should be insecure or not in the first place. i’m angry that when i’m close with someone i forget myself and for a split second worry about who he is thinking about, despite knowing deep down that it’s me. i’m angry that i have lost almost total faith in men in general.

i know these things will get better; that i will change them over time. it’s just that every time i think i’ve moved on to a different stage of the process i realize that i’m actually still stuck in anger. i can’t get past it.

is doing the same thing over and over…each time expecting miraculously different results. i know this too well.

there are people that i have wished i could keep somehow; that i could hold onto the good parts and ignore the bad ones. this has never been possible. it still isn’t today as was brought to my attention recently.

there is only so much detail i want to go into. it doesn’t matter, really, who it is. this is one issue that truly is all about me (and not in a funny ha-ha way). it’s about how healthy i want to be. it’s about how strong i want to be. more or less it’s about who i want to be.

do i want to be someone who accepts behavior that is destructive to my spirit…from anyone? do i want to have healthy relationships with the people that are in my life, whether friends or lovers? do i want to define myself through other people’s eyes and actions? how many chances do i really want to give someone to relate to me in a respectful way before i give up and realize that i cannot change poisonous people simply by acting toward them in a way that i would like to be treated. i cannot change poisonous relationships by making them into something else, such as a friendship. i cannot change the outcome of something and make it better unless someone else does as well. if someone cannot care about me correctly it doesn’t make a difference what kind of stipulation i put onto my contact with them. people don’t just change because they “want to”. it takes desire and action combined.

the answers to all those previous questions should be obvious…the healthy answers are, in fact, obvious. i don’t always act in that manner though. maybe i needed it to happen this way; to remind myself why some things simply cannot be, no matter what label i put on them. maybe i needed to get hurt all over again, on a smaller scale, with not as much to lose to remind myself of who i want to be and who i don’t want to be anymore.

friends do not lash out when things don’t go their way. they do not lie. they do not expect you to sell out yourself or what you value just to be a part of their life. friends do not use you. friends do not lose patience and walk away.

these are lessons i should have internalized years ago. a quarter century into my life is when i finally start to see it and try to live by it.

i need my pat back.

what exactly is so “interesting” about any choice i make in my own life? and why, at the age of 26, do people still need to comment on my life? comments that are tinged with the unsaid outcome that they believe to be a “better choice”. and why would my reasons for continuing to relate with someone that there have been problems with so much more inferior to anyone else’s reasons for the exact same situation?

there’s a phenomenon in my life with people. it’s not just that it has to be said once…you know, sharing an opinion once, or expressing a concern once. but it keeps on and on. people keep saying things as if i should have known that i’m supposed to do what everyone else “thinks is best”; as if my judgement is completely moronic.

one is tempted to live in a bubble. no information going out or in. i’m tempted to stop discussing what goes on in my life with anyone.

so i’m reading this book that belongs to my pat…one of the 500 books i borrowed from her before she left me for hawaii. part of it talks about “self-focus” and this is what it means apparently…it’s when a woman:

**doesn’t need her lover’s constant approval to feel good about herself;
**doesn’t succumb to pressure to change her personality or beliefs;
**can remain emotionally available to her lover even when she disagrees with him or feels angry;
**doesn’t let herself become a sponge for her lover’s anxiety, and doesn’t jump through hoops to try to soothe his discomfort;
**can deal with her lover’s upset without flipping out, giving in, counter-attacking, or running for the hills;
**can say “no” in a loving way;
**doesn’t hunger to be one with her lover, but strives to be part of an intimate, mutually compassionate two;
**can take time to reflect on problems rather than resort to the quick-fix of being either pleasing or combative;
**can refrain from over-pursuing when her lover distances;
**can refrain from self-defeating behaviors (such as drinking, overeating, verbally attacking, sending reams of e-mail) when her anxiety level is high. (“how to be a babe”; joy davidson, ph.d.)

i should not be giving any of myself away until i’ve mastered these things, and other things like it.

the “self-help” genre is meant to inspire…but sometimes it can be outrageously discouraging.

i should be just leaving the mariners game.

instead i am sitting at home after JUST having gotten home from work. i wouldn’t have been working until 8:30 if poor sadie hadn’t gotten ill today. i might have even been able to still go with j tonight if i didn’t have 5 million things to do at work that can’t wait a half a day to get done.

instead i had to spend half the day driving around trying to find a vet that would accept an american express card (because i have no dough i had to beg my dad to let me use his credit card). then once i got there i had to pay almost $100 for them to tell me, ‘i don’t know why she’s bleeding out of orifices but i do know she needs to lose about 5 pounds’. thanks.

oh, sure they gave me “general anti-biotics” or something but there is no definite answer. if i want a definite answer i have to bring some of sadie’s doo doo back to them to test.

jesus.

i wanted to go with him too.

now, once again, i have my hour of free time for the day and then off to bed.

all of a sudden i have no life except for work.

tomorrow is lunch with the thumb. god only knows what the real reason behind that is but i’ll find out soon enough.