Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

to have internet at home again.

i wasn’t even without it for very long. what a spoiled brat i am.

i may not have cable, but at least i have this.

funny. now that i’m all alone in peace and quiet for once writing in my journal i don’t have a damn thing to say.

which is good because it means that verizon has not barred me from services as a result of my stint in MLT where the phone bill and me didn’t get along very well.

was in my advanced counseling class tonight and we were doing role plays. in one of them the girls decided to do a DV scenario (of course…as it is the easiest one to role play). it was weird to watch, despite the fact that it was made up, it wasn’t real; it made me weird. except this time, along with the usual thoughts when that whole issue comes up, i thought about my dad too.

for some reason i had forgotten that right after he left, for the longest time we had a 2×4 jammed in between the front door and the banister because he had a key to the house and my mom didn’t want him coming in. we even left it up when we were all home. i remember april and i used to make stupid jokes about it and laugh about it. now that i think about it, it’s really not that funny of a thing.

and just to think…of all the other strange little things i’ve forgotten that have happened in 26 years.

matt is too busy to mess with stupid journals. technically i am too; i just prioritize things in a screwy way.

piglet’s computer is broken.

scott wrote like one time in his journal.

as did matt b.

chewy is running around the country doing heaven knows what.

actually; after today i won’t have time to write in a stupid journal either. my second interview for sbux is today at noon. hopefully i get it; that way i can start earning money to get my stupid self out of debt and poverty. i’m so tired of it…i’m so tired of not having enough money that i would rather be bone tired from trying to do too many things, than have free time. what do i do with free time anyway, except hang out at various places with various people. granted it’s important to keep up with personal relationships, but i certainly don’t need to spend as much time as i do doing that, to keep those relationships up.

i just don’t want to be broke anymore. that’s all i care about right about now.

it’s like maslow’s heirarchy of needs. my base needs are not being met at the moment, therefore i cannot have my primary focus be on relationship needs/wants that are higher up on the triangle.

it really does make sense in my own head.

where i distance myself from everyone for no particular reason.

where i wait and wait on a friday night; unsure of whether i want to be around anyone, unable to commit myself to anything…to the point where it’s too late to do anything anyway and i am slightly relieved.

i’m even doing the thing where i say ‘yes’ to plans with people, then back out at the last minute.

why?

i have no clue. is it some weird cycle of depression that comes back? is it that i’m tired? not enough time alone? is something else wrong with me?

i fear, though, that there are things in my life that i may be screwing up as a result of how i feel lately…not wanting to be around anyone. not knowing where i want to be or what i want to be doing. screwing up things with friends, significant others.

i just want to be alone and i don’t know why.