Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

heard that song last night and it made me sad.

things are not so good here. i thought they were going to be better after the talk we had on Friday night. i shared with him that i felt like i hadn’t taken enough time in between relationships to have space, living on my own; that i didn’t feel i was ready to be living with him right now. he accepted it amazingly okay. he was supportive of it; he said he would help me. i felt better about things after that…i felt good about clearing the air.

last night we got into an argument as we were pulling into the driveway after being out for piglet’s birthday (which by the way was a kick butt time…the highlight of my weekend most definitely). hunter came down to the bowling alley we were all at. at one point he mentioned some apt.’s that i should look at. it was nice of him to think of it. on the way home, hours after the conversation between hunter and i happened, j said that i must have lied to him since hunter was talking to me about apt’s that night. reason being, during the talk we had on friday about my living arrangements he asked if the night prior when i was out with hunter if i had confided in him about how i had been feeling. i said no at that time. last night it became that i must have been lying to him. i reminded him that i had talked to hunter twice during the day and had plenty of opportunity to let him know what was going on with me. after i said that, it became “well, now i guess you’re going to hold a grudge all night.” or something like that.

the second we got into the driveway he got out of the car without saying a word and went inside and went to bed.

i didn’t get what had happened. it had come out of nowhere…the accusation of lying about something so stupid. then when it became apparent that he was not correct, it’s like there still had to be something he had a “right” to be upset about. it was similar to things that used to happen to me in other places and other times; i didn’t like the feeling it caused. arguments that just spurn out of nowhere at all.

i slept on the couch. i’ve had it with being walked away from when he gets upset and decides he’s done dealing with something. i didn’t even do anything wrong last night.

it was somewhat okay this morning; he came out to the living room and talked to me about it. eventually he said sorry many times, sorry that he had hurt my feelings…after the initial attitude of indignance (it seemed to me) that i got upset about it in the first place, or deemed it a “big deal”.

tonight we were going to have dinner together…more specifically he said that he wanted to make me dinner and get some movies to watch together. today he had plans to help his friends girlfriend move and he was going to come home after that. eventually what happened is that i was invited to go over to his friends house for dinner with all of them…when i said i’d rather not go down there, it became, ’sorry, maybe i can make dinner tomorrow night’.

i hate getting ditched. how does one get ditched by someone they’re living with for christ’s sake? i hate it when people tell me something and then don’t follow through with it. this is not the first time something like this has happened either.

i know that relationships with people are not “all about me” despite jokes i make with my friends about it. but on the same token, they’re not all about everyone else either. it’s supposed to be equal. what i want should be important as well. as should my feelings and boundaries.

i worry that they’re becoming less than important. i worry that things have gone sort of sour in a short time.

i’m unsettled and i don’t know what to do about all of this.

also…i did something on saturday that i’m still waaaaay unsettled about in so many ways.

i need my own space…and fast. i need my own space to retreat back into when everything becomes too much. this is one of those times when everything has become too much.

i almost forgot about my ‘i’m crazy’ appt. this evening. i just happened to look in my planner and see it written there, on today’s date, when i got home at 3:30.

i was late, because i’m retarded when it comes to directions…i almost had a rage attack in the car because i was lost. as always when i finally found it i felt like a big dork because it was in such an easy place.

i was nervous. i have never before been on the other side…in the other chair, the vulnerable one. i worried that i might get in her office (i specifically requested a woman) and just sit there with eyes as big as golf balls too scared to say anything. she eased my discomfort, with her comfort.

i required a tissue in my hand before we even got to anything difficult. all i said was ‘i’m nervous to be here because i’ve never been in the counseled position before’. on second thought, it is very difficult to admit fear, insecurity.

she said i could just start anywhere i wanted to or she could ask me a lot of questions. i’m not too good when faced with too many choices, i’m good at following, at doing a task…i went for the questions. eventually i felt okay sharing on my own without being prodded. we talked about a lot.

we talked about my family. we talked about my current partner. we talked about what i do for a living…about how i found myself seeking out that profession. we talked about why i wanted counseling. mostly we talked about george…and DV, when i could manage to contain the blubbering enough to speak intelligible words about it.

there’s something so distinct in this kind of relationship…something one could not replicate in a friendship. friendships are equal (well, ideally). this is a relationship solely about where i want to go, about where i want to take it, about what is going to benefit me, about nurtering me. this is what i needed to do. this is how i needed to find answers, for many reasons.

i can only allow myself to go into so much detail with friends and family, out of fear, embarrassment. because i’m afraid they are tired of hearing about it. however, it is obvious to me that i am not done dealing with it. it is most obvious to me in the particular way i cried for 45 minutes straight when divulging all these things to a complete stranger. it is not resolved. nothing is. i have no answers and i’m not capable at this point of getting to them by myself; i’m not strong enough yet. it’s okay to need help finding them though. i’m okay with it. i’m starting with this issue, one of the hardest ones and maybe i can continue on my own after that.

she said something to me though. i had already explained my parents relationship to her; the abuse that went on between them. i moved on to something that is the most difficult to deal with in this entire thing…that even after i knew where the relationship was heading i chose it, i continued to choose it over and over again. i chose it despite everything i watched my mother go through; i chose it despite everything i already knew about DV. months after it is over i can’t get rid of the connection, the impulse to continue it. it wasn’t as if someone blindfolded me and led me somewhere only to take the blindfold off so i could realize i was all of a sudden in a miserable hell. i walked into it. i knew it was happening. i don’t know how to come to terms with that…i told her as much.

she made a suggestion to me. that maybe i chose it because i wanted a different ending to the story, considering violence and abuse is a large part of what broke my family apart. that maybe i wanted to see if someone could make it better in that way…in a way that it would feel different than it did with my father.

on the outside it just made me cry more.

on the inside, the turning of the wheels in my head simply became a very quiet, small, ‘oh’. maybe. maybe not the definite reason…but just maybe.

i feel strange. i feel better. she’s definitely good at her job.

i think this is good. this is good because i can use a healthy relationship to find the answers, instead of returning to a painful one to find them.

the progress in my life on the exterior does nothing at all for my moods on the interior.

i wake up sad so often that i can’t pick out what day of the week i woke up happy at the end of it. i don’t know why it happens.

the lack of understanding of my past behavior in relationships makes it so difficult to monitor my behavior in current relationships. am i doing the right things? am i giving enough? am i taking enough? is it equal? am i acting in ways that foster equality or am i giving my power up and not noticing it? do i even have a right to be in a relationship after how screwed up i feel after the last one? is it normal, the thoughts i have about the previous relationship? do i think about it too much? is it fair to the person i’m with now that so much of my thoughts are occupied with something so far away?

stress makes me silent. difficult things make me silent and distant; i go other places in my head to avoid dealing with the situation at hand. that was a new year’s resolution…to not do that. oops.

lately no matter where i am physically at, no matter who i am around; i’m a million miles away in my brain. it’s like i’m not even there. it’s totally unfair to the people in my life. i’m not even present with them the way i should be. i couldn’t even really explain to people where i was…well, i suppose i could, i don’t know that they would understand though.

i wonder about the decisions i’ve made and the ones i’m making. about where they are taking me. are they taking me to places i really want to go? or is it just because they sound like things i “should” want and “should” do?

there are too many questions and not enough answers right now. i’m terribly unsatisfied with that.

part II in ‘the plan’.

begin attendance at Evergreen State University hopefully by Winter quarter of this year. they have a tacoma campus.

i feel like i’m making progress in my life. this is good.

i registered for a class on wednesday evenings for the sole purpose of being able to say that i can’t do group on wednesday night anymore.

is that terrible?

to the tune of about $860.00.

up until about 20 minutes ago it was only 750.00…then i registered for another class. i will have 20 credits by the time all is said and done; but 10 of those are “field placement” which just means the job that i’m already doing and have been doing for the past two years.

i’m going back to school on the 5th of April. i’m split in half about this whole thing. i’m scared about handling full time work and all those classes, but at the same time a little excited to be getting back on the road to continuing my education.

after i’m totally done in june i can start looking at my four year, which will be a lot easier to be motivated to do since i’ll already be in “school mode”. books, and classes and notes. again.

it was weird to walk in there today (for two hours of registering, then adding, the dropping, then adding again after speaking to my advisor etc.). it brought back a lot of memories; good ones and bittersweet ones.

i totally have to be smart again. jeez. i have to be dedicated and responsible…and BUSY.

i’m trying to get excited to mask the disappointment in myself that i didn’t realize this whole mess sooner. every family member i talk to i cringe inside when i tell them my plan at the fear that they’ll be disappointed in me. i know that’s probably not what’s going on; i still get that feeling though.

my god i’m going to be busy. my god i owe a lot of money to them that i have to scare up in the next 7 days.