Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

again…i had all intents and purposes to write “beach day”, because it is, a beach day…but that came up. i left it because it made me chuckle.

feel strangely quiet and emotional today. thinking about life, changes, friends, yesterday, tomorrow, all the yesterday’s and tomorrow’s.

i’m so in love, i’m so grateful for having such a wonderful and beautiful person in my life to love. it’s a beautiful sunday. i’m caught up on bills that absolutely have to be paid. my family is alive and well (well, mostly well). i have great friends. my dog is gorgeous and healthy. everything is good.

i just hope that i get a phone call back from group health tomorrow so that i can be even one step closer to getting my entire soul to feel that goodness.

she loves me. she’s right. i’m making the call today before i leave work.

“i think you’ve really got a handle now on something important.

1. Fear is the motivating factor preventing your true happiness.

There comes a time when you have to face the unknown, and walk through the fear. Now that you really feel the pangs of it, this may be the time. there is no other way around it except to walk through it.

i can tell you that you will never be happy and fulfilled in the way you wish to be unless you do this. if you attempt to fool yourself, you will repeat cycles.

2. Stop worrying, feeling guilty, feeling angry, feeling despondent, etc. about time lost. Frig, girl, i lost about 20 years in bad choices and patterns, but if one feels those unproductive emotions around that, nothing will happen. the wheels continue to spin.

Use your motivation.

You can find yourself and be a whole partner.”

joking about marriage. at least that’s what it started as. my head had to take it somewhere else, of course.

deep down i tell myself that those are things i don’t really want. tied down, owned in so many different ways. lately though, i wonder if those aren’t things that i do really want…if it’s something where, the only thing standing in the way of that are demons that i have yet to wrestle with. i could have had children by now…i could have been married (and of course with that comes all these other thoughts…”why did he have to do what he did to me” being in the forefront). i wonder if things i have yet to deal with properly, are keeping me from things i may really want. i worry that i won’t deal with them in time.

i’m happy where i’m at, make no mistake about that. but i know that life is short, and i don’t have forever to figure out what it is that i truly want out of it.

i worry that what i have experienced has put me behind in a way. that on top of everything else i have yet to deal with correctly, i just piled a whole bunch more on in the past couple of years. i think almost every day that i need to make that phone call, that will put me a little closer to dealing with it…talking to someone. it’s not that i don’t have time, you make time for the things that are really important. i’m scared. i’m scared to bear all the hurtful things to someone that i will have no excuse to keep details from; that’s supposed to be the benefit of a counselor, therapist or whatever. it’s someone “objective”, someone not closely involved in your life so that it’s easier to bear all the secrets that your holding from everyone else, all the things you’re too afraid to tell loved ones. i’m scared of what i will find out about myself and of what i will have to do then as a result of what i find out about myself.

i’m happy where i’m at; but i’m scared that it will be really hard to figure out where it is that i want to go, and i’m afraid of the decisions i may have to make someday to get myself there depending on what others in my life choose for themselves.

it’s so hard to be at work lately. i feel like i just don’t have enough to give but more continuously gets asked of me.

my pat explained it really well this evening when i called her for guidance on saying ‘no’ (long story…stupid story). it’s just more exhausting to deal with people who are kind of (many of them lately “very”) fucked up for 8 hours a day (more than 8 lately actually), than if i had a job, say, at Fred Meyer’s or something working like 14 hours a day where at least, as stressful as it may get, the dealings would be with more normal people.

it’s so hard to be at work lately that i’m getting to the point now where something has to give once i’m at home; i have to say ‘no’ more often to social activities than i probably would have normally enjoyed. no has to mean no for a while. i only have so much to give.

does that count as “bringing work home?” that dreaded phrase that no one wants to be diagnosed with. i don’t know that it does; going home is supposed to be your rejuvenation time…i guess sometimes if that time has to be spent doing nothing just to get some sanity back then that has to be okay.

i’m so tired i don’t even know what i’m talking about.

it’s only tuesday. i’ve already been driven to a small amount of tears once.

i love my job; but i just can’t handle it when it’s like this. i can only spread myself so thin.

one of my mom’s friends from work died yesterday from lung cancer. i’m trying to work up the emotional energy to call her and check in with her.

make it all stop.

this is somewhat true.

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||||| 70% Schizoid |||||||||| 38% Schizotypal || 10% Antisocial |||||| 30% Borderline |||||||||||||||| 66% Histrionic |||||||||| 34% Narcissistic |||||| 26% Avoidant |||||||||||||||||| 78% Dependent |||||||||||||| 54% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 66%

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