Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

most of my stuff is up there in everett now with j. i still have a bunch of the big stuff to move (futon, bed…gigantic entertainment center that i’m stuck with now), but for all intents and purposes i’m living there now.

i love it.

i love waking up to him, i love that he is the last thing i see before i fall asleep. i love the easy way we get along. i love how it just feels like i’m supposed to be with him, at least for right now.

i was scared to go home last night. the weirdest thing. last night was the first night of living with him that i went out on my own. it was my mom’s birthday so we all went to dinner and then took her out for a drink. i started to head for home about 12:30 and on the drive up there i got anxious. for fleeting seconds i didn’t even want to go home; i thought of staying at my apt. and telling him that i was too tired to drive (which i was actually, too tired to really be driving around that late)…i thought of staying at home on the couch. i was afraid; how easily these creepy feelings come back. i’m so used to the anxiety that would have me in a panic when i used to go home to someone else. used to being afraid of a fight, or questions about how late it was, guilt because i went out without them.

i was uneasy up until the second i crawled into bed to go to sleep and my eyes could concretely remind my brain that it was actually j i went home to and had no reason in the entire world to be worried about anything. that he would wake up tomorrow, cuddle up to me and ask how my night went…that when i said i had fun, he would then say how glad he was that i did have a good time.

it’s tiring how long this is going to take to get over.

not necessarily cuz of tears. reason #1,673 that i hate packing? being stuffed up constantly because of the dust particles and bunnies that float and jump around when i move things. well, that and all that coke i do. just kidding.

last night was a bad night. i got irritated with j about something…the reason the irritation erupted in the first place was due to “old behaviors” and “old reactions”…things that fortunately have nothing to do with him. i won’t go into the diatribe of the whole situation. this morning on the phone he told me i was a little “rough” on the phone last night. i knew i was doing it. i just didn’t stop myself in time. i felt so bad to have taken something out on him that, as i said, has nothing at all to do with him.

also…out of nowhere, it just hit me as i was going to sleep; i wanted to call him. “him” by now doesn’t really need an identifiable name in here. we all know. i really did want to call him…i really did miss him…it hit me hard. i lay there in my bed crying at the sheer frustration of it, and at the residual pain of cutting someone out of my life. pain that results no matter how horrid someone behaves. most of the time i was thinking, was spent trying to tell myself all the negative consequences that would result for me if i went ahead and stupidly called him (for what? i still can’t figure out…what did i want out of it?). i cried out of anger, still, at everything that has happened. i cried out of sadness for the few times that things did seem good. i cried because i am now going into a situation where i will be living with someone new (whether permanent or not) and i fear, not him or how he will treat me, but myself…how i will react to him…how capable i am of always remembering that he is a totally different person and is not going to act like a monster in tense situations. i cried out of fear of j not having the patience to deal with the things i am in the process of changing…the desire to run away, the instantaneous anxiety and irritation i feel when something goes wrong (which results from “old fear” of what usually happened in situations where things went wrong), the temptation to not be totally honest about stupid things because i’m so used to lying to protect myself. i cried solely for the fact that i do miss him…why miss someone that treated you like crap? i don’t know. i cried because i’m truly tired of crying about him. it just needs to stop.

actually, they’ve all been peaceful for a while now. it’s nice.

friday night included pizza ‘n karaoke with piglet and her boy.

saturday included a trek over to vashon island with j to visit my sarah whom i haven’t seen since she moved over there (too long of a time). had a blast; her and her boyfriend have a cute little place over there that used to be a barn and is now converted into a house. spent the night over there and really enjoyed being able to catch up with her. and once again, i love the fact that i’m dating someone i can take places and not have to worry about how they’ll behave or what they’ll get upset about. sad…that i’m not used to that; being with a person who knows how to treat others right, and knows how to get along with people. i thought about that a lot when i was over there. most specifically at one point that i was outside by myself for a few minutes and i could still hear, faintly, conversations going on about this or that. it made me so happy that i have chosen someone secure and free and good-natured that can be included in all parts of my life. for a second, it also made me sad that for so long i made choices to continue be with someone that couldn’t be included in anything because of their terrible behavior, so that i felt disjointed and out of place anywhere i was at simply because i was basically living two different lives, and there would never be a possibility of the two ever connecting to make me feel whole. it made me sad at the feeling that i was missing out on for so long, the peace that results when one can be honest about their life with everyone. i will never again do that to myself…it’s terrible.

oh…the little booger is here…i get to watch jordan because his daycare is closed today. yay!!!

i’ll finish later.

looks so fucking good.

there is now a reality t.v. show with fucking donald trump.