Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

heaven bend to take my hand
lead me through the fire
be the long awaited answer
to a long and painful fight.
truth be told i tried my best
but somewhere along the way
i got caught up in all there was to offer
but the cost was so much more than i could bear.

though i’ve tried i’ve fallen
i have sunk so low
i messed up
better i should know
so don’t come round here and
tell me i told you so.

we all begin with good intent
when love is raw and young
we believe that we can change ourselves
the past can be undone
but we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
in the lonely light of morning
in the wound that would not heal
it’s the bitter taste of losing everything
i’ve held so dear.

heaven bend to take my hand
i’ve nowhere left to turn
i’m lost to those i thought were friends
to everyone i know
oh they turn their heads embarrassed
pretend that they don’t see
that it’s one wrong step one slip before you know it
and there doesn’t seem a way to be redeemed.

i spent the whole weekend with him; the way he is towards me is totally different than it was before…he’s more gentle, more sensitive, more open; the way he looks at me is completely different…when he looks at me he’s looking farther in. consequently he’s allowing me to look further…he’s letting me in. surprisingly, at a much faster rate than i am letting him in. i am usually always the one to give in first…only i find that i’m not that capable of it anymore. it’s like pulling teeth to get me to put myself out there and take the chance of being ripped apart again. my saying to him last night that i wanted him to stay, that i didn’t want him to go…something so simple…was just about the biggest chance of rejection i’ve taken with him. i’m completely going to lose it over him and i can’t even tell him or let on that it’s happening…it’s just not a good idea.

i find that i am scared. it was so nice this weekend to be so close to someone of the opposite sex and not have to be frightened of their mood, or of what i might do that will cause irritation, what might happen in public to set them off so that i would end up humiliated by their display, to know that i could talk to their male friends and make an effort to get to know them without being accused of being up to something…so many differences, so refreshing. however, i found myself trying to anticipate things. i.e. i spent a considerable amount of time outside talking with one of his friends about their dog and when i came back in i was tense and anxious out of automatic damage control reaction. of course, he didn’t care, because he’s normal. i found myself trying to anticipate things that might upset him or make him angry…even knowing the whole time that, once again, he’s normal, and normal people don’t freak out over little things. i wonder if what i’m scared about the most is that there is not going to be a predictable outcome with the chances that i do take with him. i am used to a certain type of person, unhealthy/damaged, i know exactly what to expect, i know exactly what they will do. with ‘normal’ people, it is unpredictable…as it should be.

i am not scared of him. i know that he is a person of fairly high character and would not intentionally hurt me in any way. at times i think that i am more scared of myself…of apologizing too much as i catch myself doing, of the temptation to censor the details that i share of myself, of saying too much and letting him in about my previous relationship. the oddest thing…i’m embarrassed about it. i shouldn’t be, i didn’t act abusively…george did. yet i’m still embarrassed. we stopped in to see my friend kelly friday night before heading down to eugene where his friends were…something came up in conversation having to do with my previous relationship. he asked about george, what he was like. all i could say to him was ‘you really don’t want to hear about george’. really, i just didn’t want to have to tell someone that thinks of me as so normal and great to be around, that i was involved in something so insane and out of control.

as much as it may sound, i have not gone completely out of my mind about the whole thing. if he were to tell me tomorrow that it wasn’t working for him i would be disappointed of course, i would miss being around him…the feeling that would take front seat though is gratitude, for just happening to be the one to remind me again the treatment i’m deserving of, for being a friend, for being accepting, for not trying to own me, for reminding me what freedom in a dating relationship feels like. if relationships are to end, that’s the way they’re supposed to end…for enough goodwill to remain to continue to think of the person in a favorable light. and i would thank him for it, for helping me to remember what healthy feels like.

enough about that.

christmas was good…my dad absolutely adored the dog that we got him. he cried when we walked it in the house. yay! i made my dad cry. i received a lot of nice things from my family; i had to make two trips on thursday to get it all in my apt. lots of kitchen things, decorative things. it was nice. my favorite present though out of everything was the stuffed sneetch that my pat got for me which she gave me this morning. it’s perfect. it’s a sneetch, like me. i love her.

there was one christmas morning phone call when i got home from going out with chewy and piglet…telling me that he loved me and wishing me a merry christmas…it made me sad. i won’t dwell on that in here though.

i’m also sad that christmas is over; i always look forward to the time with my family where there is minimal arguing and anger. now it will be new years in a couple of days…i have new years plans to make, a tree to clean up and a better year to have than last one hopefully. it’s my turn to have a good year.

i still have christmas cards that need writing. had i the money i still have christmas presents that need buying; but we’re at the point where that’s out of the question. i still remain about 2,000 miles away from ‘feeling’ the whole christmas spirit thing. was thinking that i should maybe work on some candles or something wearing a santa hat. maybe that will help. christmas just isn’t christmas unless i spend at least one night prior to a family function up ALL night trying to finish need things for the function.

i have to wrap my pat’s christmas present in sponge bob square pants wrapping paper. ridiculous.

so, j may accompany me to the christmas eve festivities. scary, considering that since my aunt’s soon to be ex-husband may be there with his soon to be new wife…therefore said aunt will be 3 times as drunk as usual. i’m worried about exposing him to my family, of course…i may not even have to, in the event that it becomes ’sorry babe, can’t make it’. that’s okay, lord knows i’ll have plenty of other things to keep me busy that day.

i hate the commercialism of christmas…that baggage that goes along with christmas which i’ve been brainwashed with all my life. i’m still sitting here worrying that i didn’t get enough for everyone; that i didn’t get an equal amount of stuff for everyone…and that they’ll all think i’m a big loser. of course, no one will be sitting there during christmas keeping tabs on how much i spent; i know that my family really doesn’t care…but i care.

if i only had like 2 more days and was rich i would be enjoying christmas this year. as it is i feel as if i was rushed into it headfirst like one of those slides at a water park that requires you to go head first and about 2 seconds after beginning your descent you want to go back due to the impending panic attack, but you can’t. that’s how christmas feels this year and i don’t like it.

maybe my mood will be better tomorrow. although i don’t know because i’m supposed to be bringing some kind of veggie dish and i have nothing to do so with, nor any idea of what exactly i’m going to do.

fuck christmas.

today i realized that i walked into something two years ago that i may never be able to pull myself out of. at least in spirit.

the above named artist was said to postulate once that the best way to judge the essential parts of a sculpture is to throw it down a hill, the unimportant pieces will fall away.

i’m still trying to figure out what fell away after being thrown down the hill.

looking forward most expectantly to guru yoga…secretly hoping for the chocolate frosting and rolling around by neil diamond as well. ha. when are you coming home rob?

where do i start? friday night involved tears, discomfort, awkwardness topped off with some laughs with a couple of good friends. tears equated with quasi-new male friend (new at least in the sense of how things have been going lately). discomfort and awkwardness equated with ex-boyfriend. went to sarah’s birthday celebration thing at randi’s house, sans original date (hence the tears). haven’t quite figured out what to do with that situation. the conversation was left between us in a fascinatingly frustrating way…’you have a right to be mad at me; call me when you’re not mad anymore.’ jesus chirst. my thoughts on it the whole weekend have just been a big mess of questioning my expectations (or lack thereof), confusion as to what exactly is going on between the two of us and lack of energy as to making a decision as to how i want to carry on (or not?) from here on out. it’s just too much. i fear that what will happen is i won’t actually call him because it’s just too much to figure out…also, due to how i’m used to viewing arguments in my most recent relationship, if i do call him i will be compulsively obsessing in my mind whether by continuing to ’see what happens’ with him after friday i will have given up too much control. am i really capable of continuing the type of relationship we have so far…this whole casual, no expectations allowed, no strings kind of romantic friendship; without hurting myself in the process somehow? i just don’t know. speaking of what i’m capable of continuing regarding friday evening…am i capable of continuing frienships with people which will inevitably put me in infrequent contact with an ex that i still have issues with? one bonus though…the exact nature of one of those issues causing discomfort hit me just as ex greeted me that evening with a hug and a ‘how are you doing’. part of what makes me so uncomfortable is the fact that even with all the times we’ve run into each other and had the obligatory catching up conversation, not once has he ever spoken to me about karen, who is his wife now. everything that i have heard, their relationship, their engagement, their marriage…has been from someone else. plenty of times he has asked about that area of my personal life. my perception as to his discomfort in mentioning that kind of stuff to me in turn makes me uncomfortable. don’t quite know how to resolve that either. one more thing.

on that note…speaking of ex’s, george’s sister liz called me this evening, promptly on my return from leavenworth with family. she called looking for him; crazily enough i don’t believe he has had ‘the conversation’ with his family as to what is going on, or not going on between us…and it’s been quite a while that he’s been needing to have that conversation. i asked her if he had told them he doesn’t stay here anymore and just as i suspected the answer was ‘no’. she asked if i had gotten my christmas presents from them yet. oh jeez. this is definitely not what i need right now. were i not so tired i probably would have cried upon hanging up the phone…especially since (and i don’t even hope to be able to explain this so anyone can understand) i’m going through the insane period in which i miss george a bit.

leavenworth with my family was fun. it was nice this year to have my mom and greg with us, as usually it’s just my sisters, dad and i that go for the weekend. my car, by the way, would have made it up the pass just dandy without my forced ’safety’ escorts (i did make a point of telling everyone that about 5 times during the mini-trip). although upon return there was an almost $60 kennel bill waiting for me for the foster dog…which not one of my sisters offered to help out with despite their eagerness in making the dog a joint gift.

and now it’s back to work at 6 freaking a.m. tomorrow. at least i only have two days of it.

jesus christ…christmas is in like two days.