Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

it’s very positive that you are planning measurable steps of moving forward. It’s a very good coping skill and much better than inertia of depression. If you can do even one thing on the list tomorrow, it may provide you some relief of taking control of your life. you, of course, know i am concerned when you remark on a self destructive behavior that you know is self destructive. and, of course, i am going to attempt very hard not to push you to tell me. you do know, though, that nothing you can do at this point will keep me from being on your side, always. it is a conscious decision of mine to be involved with your life in what capacity you need.

first of all…thank the lord that i have such a good friend (see above).

second of all…i think that i’m going to stop celebrating birthdays. piglet said it best tonight when she talked about being disappointed because you expect something great and grand and it ends up to be not great or grand. at least she said something like that. it’s true. all in all…my birthday kind of sucked so far. friday was okay…spent some time with a couple of good friends and my mom and sister. although most all of the people i did invite didn’t come for some reason or another. yes, a couple of those people had valid things going on…most, however, just didn’t care. my family fought at dinner that night before we even went out…my mom cried. happy birthday. i’ve spent most of the weekend stressed out because of money and personal issues and because of something dumb i did on fri. i’ve actually spent most of the weekend crying and hating most people. tomorrow i will most likely do nothing even though it’s my actuall birthday…i was supposed to be going out to dinner with j, but considering how flaky he’s been all weekend it probably won’t happen. whatever. marli at work though, was thoughtful enough to send my birthday card that people had signed to my home address so that i would get it this weekend. it made me cry at the same time that it was cheering me up today.

so that’s it…no more birthday celebrations that i have to plan, that i have to chase everyone down for. i’m done. as a matter of fact i think i might be done with birthdays period…with the exception of my family and piglet and pat (well, and now sarah, neph and scott). it’s all over with. i’m sick of it.

i’m beginning to think that the older we all get, the more selfish people become. i hate that.

i’m stupid and i bought a stupid phone when i thought i would be okay for money…somehow it just slipped my mind that like all my bills were due at the same time. today i had to buy save-a-dollar dog food for sadie. not to mention that christmas is coming up in less than a month and i have to somehow come up with presents for my family at least. i should have taken up another job for the holidays. i hate money; i hate that i get paid in crap for what i do at work. i hate living alone and having to be responsible for all of it by myself.

i want to go home.

i did something so stupid and self-destructive the other night that i could only tell one single person about it. it’s my birthday; the holidays are coming up and i think that i’m finally starting to fall apart. tomorrow i will have to make the call of shame to my utility companies and see how long i can wait on paying them. after the holidays maybe? yah right.

on a lighter note i got to spend time with piglet yesterday. we went shopping because she’s nice and got me a gift certificate for my birthday. then later went out to play some pool. note to self: when out and not drinking due to driving, don’t make coffee the staple drink of choice. i was so tired last night but couldn’t sleep right when i got home. slept in too late and now i feel like i have a hangover. ran into an ex-alcohol and drug client last night…he was drunk. so drunk in fact that he thought it would be funny apparently to come up and greet me with a beer in his hand and joke, ‘i’m not drinking’. his female friends were so plowed that they were practically dancing on tables and proceeding to fall into everybody and everything. so, i guess it could be worse…i could be that girl in a bar who drinks so much that she totally embarasses herself and is no longer cute, even to the males that have been watching her dance all night.

i wonder what i have in my posession that i could pawn. i wonder how long they give you to get stuff back.

i’m almost 26 years old. not very old. many people would probably love to be this age again. i feel old though…i feel sometimes like i could have accomplished more by this age, i worry that i’m wasting time; that i’ll get older and realize that i wish i had done other things with this time.

i read in a book last night that the human brain is not completely done developing until the age of 25. it got me thinking…for the past 25 (okay, almost 26) years what exactly have i been developing my brain with? this is besides what the public education system attempted to develop it with. i came up with this so far…it helped me to realize that i’m not wasting time at all, i have a lot to show for my time:

**that a true and genuine friend really is hard to find. having many people around to call ‘friends’ is not necessarily a good thing. many people will show you only what they think you want to see. sometimes people will only show their true colors when hard times hit you. although once a true friend is found, it can be one of the most fulfilling relationships one has.
**sometimes you have to forgive the unforgiveable. this is most often true with family.
**people will only respect you as much as you respect yourself.
**if love hurts, then it’s not really love no matter what you want to tell yourself.
**if you surround yourself with bad people it is more likely that bad things will happen to you. consequently, even if surrounding yourself with good people doesn’t cause good things to happen, at the very least, the bad things that do happen won’t seem so bad.
**loving what you do for a living is infinitely more important than how much you make doing it.
**it is nearly impossible to navigate happily through life without a healthy and strong support system.
**most people who act destructively to themselves or others do not change. it is human nature to continue to do what is ‘comfortable’. those who do change only do so if they are truly internally motivated. doing what is uncomfortable is sometimes the truest test of character.
**the diseases i fear the most are diseases of the heart…anger, resentment, fear, hatred.
**people who are manipulative, selfish, controlling, negative…people who lie and cheat…these people are like a cancer in someone’s life.
**ignoring your problems only makes them bigger.
**99% of the time expectations will only lead to disappointment…especially when you expect things out of people. being pleasantly surprised at things is much more effective to being happy.
**sometimes my family are the only people i can depend on.
**giving feels better than getting.
**it is important to have a friend that can make you laugh no matter how bad things may be.
**dogs are the most loyal beings on the planet.
**if there is something missing within your spirit or heart there is no amount of money, posessions, people, drugs or alcohol that can replace it. these things only serve to make the hole bigger. it all has to come from within.
**the most important things i’ve learned have been learned through relationships with others…my family, friends and coworkers.
**sitting in judgement on others is one of the ugliest things to see in a person.
**when you are with someone you love or care about you should always be present in that moment…not thinking about yesterday, or tomorrow, or the bills that have to be paid…when they are gone all you have left of them are those moments.
**knowing, understanding and making peace with where you came from is vital to knowing, understanding and making peace with who you are.
**admitting and taking responsibility for faults, mistakes and wrong-doings are the only ways to learn from them.

my dog just scared the bejesus out of me.

woke up at 5, stumbled out into the living room so that she could promptly begin to bark and ruffle at the wind moving the trees. i’ve never seen her so puffed up and agitated. i had no contacts in, so if something was out there i wouldn’t have been able to see it. i got scared. i thought, ‘this is how it’s going to end…at 5am when i can’t see a damn thing and i’m half naked.’ it turned out to be nothing. of course, it probably didn’t seem like nothing to the entire floor of apt.’s that i live with…god she’s loud.

it’s hard to keep my calm when she does that…i don’t want to discourage it and tell her ‘no’ because it’s good that she does that. but when she’s scaring me half to death i have to restrain myself from screaming at her to stop.

i thought i would sleep in today as i don’t have an appt. at work until 7:15…but then i got up at 5 anyway because i don’t want to be at work until three. only two more days left to my week. yay.

so, j, called me up last night. i thought of him, so i text messaged him earlier in the evening to tell him hello and that i hoped he was doing okay and then he called. i guess there will be no moving to hawaii as of yet, he just moved into his own place up in ever-rot. he sounded a lot happier than the last time i talked with him; he said his job is going better, he’s happy to be on his own. he hit a low point in the past few months…got in a fight, went to jail. what is it with me and the jailbirds? just kidding; i highly doubt it was a situation where he started it or had it out for someone. he asked me out to dinner on monday for my birthday. yay!.

have realized that i’m totally unprepared for christmas. like a moron i didn’t save any extra money so i’m just going to have one paycheck in the middle of the month to work with. i do this every damn year. i have less than a month to mosaic the hell out of a bunch of stuff as presents for people. christmas is not supposed to be this…this impending stressful thing that just flys by and you hardly even see it passing…oh was that the holiday season moving at the speed of light?. i’ve tried before to tell my family to just not get me any presents, to just let me hang out with them and eat a lot of food…it never worked.

i suppose i should motor to work soon so i’m not there all day. i’m tired. i’ll probably fall asleep at my desk again today.

my pat is home.

actually…all isn’t really right with the world…not until i figure out if this is supposed to be a joke or if it’s actually real:

http://www.blackpeopleloveus.com/index.html