Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

it’s time to seek out something to do or some trouble to get into.

i miss home. which is probably why i e-mailed the whole entire universe (well, MY entire universe at least).

i hate it when this happens…it always happens. it’s only 5pm at home.

things have gone okay thus far, i guess. i made some friends the first night i was here; they work at the hotel we’re staying at and offered to take me out on wed. and show me the “night life” of s.a. they don’t seem crazy; i’ll probably go tomorrow night.

yesterday my mom and i went down to the riverwalk to dine outside. we spent a eternity talking about things, what it was like for her to grow up with my grandma, george (yes, i finally told her the whole situation over the past few months and she didn’t get angry, or judge…just listened…what a relief). talking about george got us on the subject of my dad and things that happened between them when i was growing up. talked a bit about my sister raising jordan on her own. it’s good to have this time.

today was not so hot of a day however. today was the first day of any convention activities for her and she had to make some phone calls about what kind of special accomodations were available for disabled individuals. the convention ctr. where she is supposed to go is a fairly long walk, two blocks away, which is extremely difficult for her with her arthritis. this morning she got off the phone and started crying out of frustration and depression that she isn’t as mobile and has to make phone calls like that in the first place. i know i’m supposed to be the positive supportive one in my family, but i had no idea what to say to make things better for her. since i hadn’t had my coffee or a cigarette i selfishly got a little irritated that i am always supposed to know what to say, that i’m always the one everyone depends on and “shares” feelings with…that i’m the only one in the family expected to be able to handle that sort of stuff. it’s terrible to think that way i’m sure…it’s easy for me to complain about that kind of stuff when i don’t have to deal with a complete quality of living change as she does. thankfully all the selfish thoughts can be put here and stay here. this morning i did however get a little overwhelmed about everything…the conversation we had last night, the particular things that were brought up, having to see her in pain and upset about it; i almost cried and had to leave to smoke for a minute…i just kept thinking that i wanted my pat. for her sake i have to act as if it doesn’t upset me…she is already upset enough.

i’ve gotten to talk to jeremy a lot since leaving…he’s so sweet. jason called my cell phone today and didn’t leave a message. i think i’ll not call him until i get back…why waste time and money on someone who has avoidance issues? george keeps calling. i think i’ll not call him until i get back too…why waste time and money on someone that’s a total prick?

today ended up to be a good day. had lunch down by the riverwalk and listened to the men down there playing traditional andes music…it’s one of the most beautiful sounds i’ve ever heard.

that was seriously playing in the mall earlier when i was wandering around.

it’s only 9:48 at home now.

i totally sat here just now and finished this huge long journal entry about the past couple of days and lost it…i am not going to sit here for another hour and do the same damn thing. i hate it when that happens.

anyway, i’m in texas. i miss sadie. i had to give my mom a shot (fulfilled my duties on our vacation). also, her arthritis was so bad today that i had to deal with ALL the luggage going through all the airports and everyone was staring at me because i looked so ridiculous. i felt bad for my mom though, she was really in pain.

i found a sbux downstairs in the mall by the riverwalk (which by the way is awesome). today before passing out (due to not sleeping at all last night since we were leaving for the airport at 3:30 anyway…no point in sleeping) i explored for a bit and found a sbux, stood on the bridge over the riverwalk smoking and watching the boats and people go by. i love watching people in motion.

my mom is totally passed out and snoring right now.

jeremy was nice enough to hang out with me all night until i left for the plane even though he had to work at 6:30 this morning throwing the fish. he is so sweet.

talked to jason before i left to clear the air…gently reminded him that i had actually never pressured him, asked for more than he was willing to give or put expectations on him. he said he knew that…despite the fact that he was reacting in the traditional male way to what i said to him last week. like little children having to avoid everything that isn’t easy. “we’ll see what happens” is the decided course of action at this point.

we are on the 23rd floor so everytime i want a cigarette i have to go all the way downstairs and because i look like crud after flying all day, have to go out front with all the bellboys instead of being able to just sit in the bar area and smoke for a minute.

i love my mom to death but i wish she didn’t snore.

i like texas.

Nihilist Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i hate every man that ever walked the earth right now. no really.

went in to work this morning already dreading the day…tying up loose ends day…planning ahead so there are no major traumas while i’m away day. things were actually going along fairly smoothly until i went back into my office after having to watch a grown adult urinate and saw that j had called. wonder of wonders. called back…i should have known…

j: ’so i was thinking that i may not be able to get over to your place to take care of your dog very much next week…i’m pretty busy…i didn’t get off work until 9 last night.’
me: stunned silence as i pondered what sort of inconsiderate person does this to someone two days before they’re supposed to leave for a week.
j: ‘hello?’
me: ’so i need to find something else to do with her then?’
j: ‘that might be better’
me: what i actually said, ‘thanks for not telling me this sooner’. what i wanted to say, ‘why didn’t you tell me sooner that you are an inconsiderate asshole that acts like a little boy after he sleeps with someone and then can’t follow through with his commitments…or at least abstains from commiting to anything in the first place?’
j: ’sorry. do you want me to call you later…or you could give me a call.’
me: what i actually said, ‘call me later if you want, bye’ before promptly hanging up on him. what i wanted to say, ‘i won’t hold my breath’.
i then spent the rest of my morning at work that was supposed to be devoted to preparing to leave for a week, by calling kennels and people in an effort to quickly come up with a plan B for sadie.

prick.

i realize that this is probably a manifestation of a larger issue than him being “too busy” to take care of my dog as he had promised to do (even after a couple of days ago i gave him an out by saying, ‘are you sure you’ll be able to because if i have to put her in a kennel i need to plan for it’…’sure no problem’). i rescind my responsiblity at ‘making things weird between us’ that night that i called him wanting to talk about how i felt. i realize it’s not me that has the problem…all i said that night on the phone was that even though i was on a date with someone else, i was thinking about him a large % of the time and that it made me realize i like him more than i thought. immediately he went into ’someone is trying to cling to me’ mode. that night on the phone he started talking about why he doesn’t want a “girlfriend”…how he doesn’t want to deal with the “expectations”, living up to “standards”…how he doesn’t want to deal with ‘having to call all the time and make plans’ which is (quote) ’something we’ve run into in the past’ (unquote). what? thinking back on it now, i realize that maybe he thought he was having that conversation with someone else considering that i’ve never made a problem out of him ‘not calling’ or ‘not making plans’. the rest of the week was full of statements saying that he would call, or that maybe we could get together to talk, with absolutely no follow through.

the thing is…i didn’t ask anything of him that night…i didn’t pressure him for anything…i’ve never asked for anything more from him than what he has offerred the entire time i’ve known him. for once, it’s not me that did something inappropriate to the level of relationship i’m on with someone. i said that i liked someone…that i thought of them a lot. the reaction i’m getting is as if i had asked him to marry me which i most certainly did not. for once it’s not me that is proving incapable of sleeping with someone, having a casual relationship and acting like an adult throughout it (because, yes, it usually is me that is incapable of that). good fucking christ.

so now because i had no time to plan for something else i get to spend $200 that i don’t have on kenneling sadie.

speaking of $…i’m still waiting for a check from my stocks that was supposedly sent out on the 16th of this month, so that i actually have some $ to take care of myself on vacation and take care of everything else. while i await said check, i have a whopping $5 in my account. if it’s not in the mail today i’m going to have to take out a payday loan to be able to cover everything. how does it take 10 days for one piece of mail to get put in my mailbox? fuckers.

i’m mad.

today i have to take my pat to the airport. it makes me sad when she leaves. why am i helping her leave??? j/k. also, i didn’t wake up in time to straighten my hair so i have to run around most of the day with it all curly and out of control. damn.

my day at bastyr with matt was very informative and a nice break from routine. i’m glad i went even if that’s not somewhere i end up looking at because it keeps my mind thinking along that track…to get myself back in school. will explain more later.

there was no talking with j last night…maybe that’s a good thing. called him at around 7 or so when i got home from running errands and such. he didn’t call me back until about 11 at night. i didn’t pick up the phone due to screening my phone calls since the fish guy had already called twice and i just didn’t want to talk to certain people at the time. he actually left a message even…could have picked up the phone when i realized it was him but didn’t. i’m tired of doing everything on everyone else’s terms.

i think i’ll take sadie along for the ride to the airport.

it’s a sad day.