Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

it’s good for absolutely nothing.

i can’t download ANYTHING off the internet without being asked to download one special program or another that will allow me to use what i originally wanted to downlaod.

all my files disappear into a great nothing somewhere that i can never find again. half the files i have i can’t use because i don’t have whatever special thing to use them.

i can’t believe i spent money on such a worthless piece of poop.

anyone want to buy a good for nothing hunk of plastic and metal?

also, i got to hit up the mariners game with my dad, sister, nephew and stepdad…it was a pretty good time. other than that most everything sucked.

my sister called me while i was at work to yell at me for things that not only were not my fault…but were really not worth getting in a bunch about anyway. my calm ‘avoidance of an argument’ tactics didn’t go over very well either because i was accused of not dealing with whatever terrible wrong i had done her. apparently my other sister karen had done wrong as well because she got a similar phone call…i would be happy as a clam if i had that much spare time…to be calling people merely to take out my misplaced frustration on while at work.

found out today that one of our clients passed away. it made me feel sad because he was so young…younger than me. the more thought i put into it during my day today the more ill i felt that someone’s precious life ended up wasted so soon because of a drug. selfishly i wondered a little about what i have gotten myself into…caring about people, getting emotionally involved with them…everytime with the potential of losing them if they continue to use. if i stay in this profession for a length of time, which is what i plan on, at some point, most likely it may happen with a client that i have worked with…i’m really unsure of my capabilities at dealing with something like that. it’s something i should probably discuss with the thumb, as he has mucho experience in this field and is my supervisor. i hate death…i feel that i shouldn’t because it’s one of the most natural processes about living that there is; every living creature eventually has it’s time. what i hate the most is when i feel that death cheats by taking someone that shouldn’t be taken…of course depending on what beliefs someone holds maybe there is no “shouldn’t” or “should”…especially when someone makes a conscious decision to do something that puts them in harms way. it sticks in my heart though that someone who has put themselves out there and made themselves vulnerable by making a statement that is so hard for many to make…”i need help”…shouldn’t die.

got in another argument with george when i got off of work. it was a normal one…nothing traumatic about it. i still hated every second of it because a) i had already had a negative encounter with someone today and b) my mind works mysteriously now…so many bad things have happened in the past that when anything at all negative occurs, even if it’s normal, i start catastrophising it. it’s hard to explain.

also…it’s like 90 degrees every single day and every single day i sweat like a plow horse and as a result have more blemishes than i ever had in adolescence. ridiculous.

the second i returned to my safe haven of home tonight i took a shower…sometimes i tell myself after an all around negative kind of day that i can actually “wash it all away” as if it never happened. it works for like a minute.

at the very last minute i got my very last scheduled shift filled at sbux…the one tomorrow at the barrel of dawn. sweet jesus…

my weekends belong to me now…like much of the rest of the free world. i can look forward to them now instead of dreading them. i can just pick up and take off for a couple of days out of the week without having to plan it a month in advance.

my weeknights belong to me.

i only have one job to focus on and spend my energy on…which means i’ll do it better.

i can deal with the hoopla of school registration/financial aid/grants etc. and not have to be completely stressed out while doing so because my attention is focused on a pinwheel of responsibilities all at the same time.

i don’t have to serve another person ever again if i don’t want to…nor do i have to smile and suck up people’s crochety rudeness and pretend to like it ever again if i don’t want to.

i have time for hobbies.

i have time to go swimming for exercise now during the week.

this is going to be good…i can see it now. i still have to pick up my hooray for serving sbux pen in the next couple of days. that’s what 5 years of serving is worth apparently.

oh…and the thumb at work gave me the # to his accountant to best decide what to do with my stock options. yay. thumbs come in handy sometimes. he’s really a good guy…just misunderstood. :)

i get to tour the terrace tonight as a pirate. yay.

sometimes i wish i was able to get inside people’s brains to figure out what is really going on in them. as honest as someone is there are always things that aren’t shared…purely personal, private thoughts and motivations. what i wonder most about when it comes to people are there true motivations. one person in particular. i have an idea of what it might be linked to, although the conversation hasn’t been had as of yet. sometimes i think it takes a huge snafoo of some kind for some people to realize what it is they want and what it is they have truly been doing incorrectly to get whatever it is that they finally realize they wanted the whole time.

it has never before been like this…in a good way. never this much honesty about feelings/insecurities/desires/needs/wants/thoughts…sometimes conversations are painful only because of truths that we may not want to really hear or deal with, but that are necessary to hear and deal with. never this much vulnerability on both sides…never this much discussion as opposed to arguing/fighting…never this much control of emotions and actions…never this much rational thought before thinking or acting…never this much compromise and working together as opposed to giving in or making do with what we don’t really want…never this much relinquishing of control on someone else’s part…never this feeling of freedom while being with him…never this much change.

certainly things have happened though…normal problems that have come up, tense situations etc…but the outcomes contain things that are completely different than what they used to be. things are happening that are totally out of normal character…or at least, the norm that has been created. he never agrees to spend any time with my friends…most likely out of insecurity regarding what is thought of him, probably in the past also because of a desire to keep many things separate as a way to not have to be totally open and to discourage me from wanting to do things. last weekend he accompanied me to my friend’s wedding and had a perfectly good time, got to know some of my friends…made an effort. regarding yesterday when i went summer jamming…i would have expected to get into a fight about it…that’s what was “normal” before…he would get insecure about what may or may not go on (exaggerated in his head of course), make accusations, start a fight with me about it to discourage me from going; as silly as it all sounds. nothing of the sort even came close to happening. there was no fight, there were no accusations when it was over and i spoke with him…there were only amiable questions about how it went, what we did, whether it was fun, how i felt. although later there was a conversation on his thought process that day while he was at work…how he started to get himself into the irrational mindset of being insecure, jealous, worried…and about how he talked himself out of it before acting on anything, and talked it out rationally with someone he works with.

a couple of weeks ago i had left a notepad out on which a note was written to a friend that stayed here during the time we were not speaking to each other. an argument ensued as a result of his assumption that i had slept with this person and not told him about it during the “who have you been with” conversation. he was angry…and it did take him a while to want to listen to me when i told him the truth about that particular situation, that i hadn’t slept with the person in question, only because it was difficult for him to let go of his rationalization that it was okay to be angry. we talked about the argument afterwards and he apologized for making incorrect assumptions about my honesty and expressed that he understood i was free to be friends with whomever i wanted, that he didn’t want to hold me back from anything. total 180 from prior behavior.

i would say i’m the first person to understand that people can make temporary changes in hopes of getting something they want and then rationalize reverting back to old behaviors once they have what they want. the problem with that concern as it applies to this is that every time prior, the behaviors came back almost immediately because he had got what he wanted, which was to be let back into my life. that is not to say either that i’m positive everything is just peachy and perfect and will always stay that way. however, it’s different this time because i’m seeing something i have not previously seen…actions to back up the words.

maybe it’s too soon for it, but it gives me hope. it’s been almost two months now and things have been absolutely beautiful. all i can do on my end with choosing to be involved with it is to hope that he continues to have the courage and will power to make changes and keep up with the changes that are in process already.

this weekend was filled to the rim. now that i sit back and think on it, it seems almost a blur.

saturday i showed up to my friends beautiful wedding feeling like a completely unforgivable moron…considering i got there right when it was ending. mapquest did me horribly wrong that day. we spent an hour in oregon on confusing streets and got completely lost. went to the reception though and was glad for that because it gave me some time to at least celebrate with her and spend some time with her. she looked gorgeous that day; i’m truly happy for her. it was nice to stay down there as well and get away from seattle for a night…i don’t know exactly why but i love staying in hotel rooms…it afforded me some time to relax a little, something that is difficult to do up here lately for many reasons.

returned home sunday and pirated in the chinatown parade which was actually a lot of fun. i carried a sword…as ridiculous as that does sound it was tons of fun; especially when jordan asked karen to come down in the street with me…totally out of character for him as he usually freaks out and whines if i take him down there with me…he’s so cute, he was waving his little fake sword at everyone and jumping up and down all the way down the street. it was fun despite the fact that hardly any of us were there…not even my mom which really worried me. her health is getting worse which is upsetting to her because she can’t do things she used to be able to do because of limited mobility…in turn it upsets me to see her hurting, both emotionally and physically. i talked to her for a long time on the phone twice on sunday…at one point she was crying when talking about how she was depressed at the thought that what is going on with her now will cause her quality of life to be like this for the rest of the time. it’s hard to be the one to offer support to a parent whose role has always been to offer support to me…it’s happening already which makes me really sad in a way only because it really signals the passing of time, that now it’s becoming up to me to offer care in return instead of being the one to receive it. it signals the time when it’s really my turn to be an adult for my mother. it scares me.

today was filled with summer jamming in the gorge. i could have done without it really. it was probably 100 degrees up there and the whole event started at 1pm…during the hottest part of the freaking day. sarah got sick from the heat and almost passed out…she was drinking water and everything, wasn’t drinking any alcohol, was doing everything right and almost had to go home it was that bad. it was just too hot to even enjoy anything that was going on. at one point i just gave up and fell asleep in the grass , sweating and miserable, knowing that at least it would give me a relief for a bit from being aware of my misery. right when the sun went down and it was much more comfortable, it was over. i came home dehydrated, smelly, dirty, sweaty and irritable. but at least i had fun with the people i went with. and at one point, it was like being at work anyway because i had to act as mediator/counselor to sarah and her boyfriend who got in an argument about something insignificant. i was able to help though; i guess that’s good at least. also…i’m proud that for a change i have not a scant of a sunburn as i was obsessively applying sunblock every half hour.

so now it’s the end of my weekend. i have showered and am a little less dizzy than when i got home (i didn’t even really realize how dehydrated i actually was until i was getting my things out of my car to come inside and noticed i was dizzy)…i feel sick to my stomach even though i have drank tons of water and i should go to bed soon to re-coup. i look forward to next weekend which may involve a nice relaxing camping trip somewhere…somewhere that is not 100 degrees and loud.