Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

maybe it’s just me though. who knows. whatever.

i washed my new car today even though i can’t drive it yet. the poor thing is just sitting down there at my dad’s shop dirty as all heck, waiting to be fixed. i went down to meet it today…my jesus it cleans up nicely. it’s so cute. i can’t wait to drive it. although i saw the funky hoopty when i was down there as well…sitting there all alone and unwanted. i sat in it and thought about all the memories i have attached to that car and i almost cried. listen to me. i can’t even let a car go. i remember when i first got that thing…my dad told me that i had a new car waiting for me when i got back from utah (with an ex….augh) and i was so excited to be freed of the truck. god that was a long time ago. i was cleaning out the trunk of the hoopty and going through some papers and crap i had back there and actually found an old letter from the utah ex (maybe that’s what i should refer to him as if i ever have the need to speak of him for any reason…utah…like piglet’s boston)…it was a letter of apology from the time one of our fights got briefly and harmlessly physical…saying how sorry he was, how much he loved me, how we took the innocence out of it after that fight. that made me even more sad…not necessarily for the reasons one might assume; simply because he understood about that kind of stuff, about ruining sweetness and destroying innocence…i wish someone else did. also…something i’ve thought of often when thinking of that relationship; towards the end, i put him through hell. some things happened during our fights that i took to be physical abuse, verbal abuse and i thought the things he did were sooooooo horrible and i thought he was soooooo untrustworthy…i think i took out all my sadness over unborn children on him. ridiculous…especially to the most non abusive, caring, generous and trustworthy person i have yet to date. what is wrong with me? little did i know that one day i would really get some perspective on what is truly horrid when it comes to abuse and mistrust. whatever. but i have outrageously digressed. silly me.

anyway, took pictures of my new car. my dad took a picture of me washing it. i will be anxiously awaiting their development for the next couple of days.

and the time has finally come for the funky hoopty to go.

I’M TOTALLY GETTING A NEW CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my dad stopped by my work tonight to tell me that he picked up a 95 neon in really good shape for $400. YAY. it’s little, cute…4-door, 5 speed…he said it’s either red or white. i get to meet it on monday evening. when he told me that i was like, ‘you’re kidding right?’ it was too good to be true. my daddio is so nice. so, so nice.

although…i’m kind of sad that i won’t ever drive that car again. it sounds so stupid i’m sure. that hunk of junk has taken me lots of places…and has lots of memories in it, with lots of people. i’ve been driving that car for 5 years for jeez sake. i’ll be go to hell…i just realized that every single ticket i’ve ever received has been in that car. even parking tickets. interesting. oh wait…no, i ran a red light on broadway in my sister’s car. nevermind.

life is good. that made me very happy. finally…a car that’s younger than 20 years.

everything else seems to be going well also.

i hold my head up to face the sun star
i visualize you’re back where the wings are
i heard tell the pheonix
skipped town yesterday
you could have caught a free ride.
i wore your words of love like water
washed my memory then forgot her
and this time i think i’m fine.

but if i could save some money
maybe i’d try to take my life
make everyone come running
from down the back of my mind
i’m holding out my arms
here now
i’m running faster
but i always have gravity
to cage me

gotta spend more time
in an open mind
cause i got this dream and a lot to say
keep the runway clear
it’s too dark in here
i know it’s mine
i gotta find a way

but if i could save my money
maybe i’d try to take my life
would you come running
from down behind the back of those eyes
i’m holding out my arms
here now
i’m rising faster
but i always have gravity
to anchor me

and this is what i’m telling you
sometimes i can’t move in a dark room
sometimes i dig down
to find higher ground.

since i have the truck i’m going to go over to pick up some things of mine at the mom’s house…pizza night will occur simultaneously. we’ve sort of dropped the ball on pizza night for the past couple of months. i just love the fact that my family has some kind of family night thing…we never have before. also, i want to start rearranging my furniture. i’m i’m stuck here for another couple of months i may as well do some apt. improvements.

at the moment i am involved in one of the weirdest situations i have yet to be in in my life…it’s not even necessarily negative. just weird. it’s too long of a story really to have to type all out at the moment…i’m lazy right now. i’m capable of handling a lot more than i ever thought i was…handling things that are “outside of my box”, my comfort zone. it makes me wonder about myself.

hopefully april will concede to hitting the slam tonight…haven’t gone in probably a good 3 months, at least that’s what it seems like. i miss wednesdays. pizza and poetry. we’ll see.

i feel strangely laid back this afternoon. it’s nice.

it was an absolutely beautiful day today.

i would have called you cytheria
goddess of love
you would have bound fickle hearts in perpetuum.
eden was burning when you were conceived
better to swaddle you in my heart than
expose you to a universe
frigid enough to break you.
it is nature’s way
for mothers to protect their young
with the ferocity of an avalanche;
how far did we have to fall
to divorce that cycle
to privelege ourselves from virtue.