an indication that it’s way past time to go to bed. since all i’m doing is reading about mental illnesses online and thinking, thinking, thinking which is never good lately and always seems to end up making me anxious about choices i’m making.
i hate that i have to go to bed at 10:00 on a saturday night. it’s criminal.
also…i shouldn’t feed my cat canned cat food because he’s climbing the walls now. what in the hell do they put in that stuff?????
W.B. Yeats
Never Give All The Heart
NEVER give all the heart, for love
Will hardly seem worth thinking of
To passionate women if it seem
Certain, and they never dream
That it fades out from kiss to kiss;
For everything that’s lovely is
But a brief, dreamy. Kind delight.
O never give the heart outright,
For they, for all smooth lips can say,
Have given their hearts up to the play.
And who could play it well enough
If deaf and dumb and blind with love?
He that made this knows all the cost,
For he gave all his heart and lost.
“John Keats”
To Hope
WHEN by my solitary hearth I sit,
When no fair dreams before my “mind’s eye” flit,
And the bare heath of life presents no bloom;
Sweet Hope, ethereal balm upon me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o’er my head. 5
Should Disappointment, parent of Despair,
Strive for her son to seize my careless heart;
When, like a cloud, he sits upon the air,
Preparing on his spell-bound prey to dart: 15
Chase him away, sweet Hope, with visage bright,
And fright him as the morning frightens night!
Whene’er the fate of those I hold most dear
Tells to my fearful breast a tale of sorrow,
O bright-eyed Hope, my morbid fancy cheer; 20
Let me awhile thy sweetest comforts borrow:
Thy heaven-born radiance around me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o’er my head!
Should e’er unhappy love my bosom pain,
From cruel parents, or relentless fair; 25
O let me think it is not quite in vain
To sigh out sonnets to the midnight air!
Sweet Hope, ethereal balm upon me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o’er my head!
And as, in sparkling majesty, a star
Gilds the bright summit of some gloomy cloud;
Brightening the half veil’d face of heaven afar:
So, when dark thoughts my boding spirit shroud, 45
Sweet Hope, celestial influence round me shed,
Waving thy silver pinions o’er my head.
February, 1815.
‘i could drink a case of you and still be on my feet…’
-joni mitchell
despite that ridiculousness i’m finding it hard to actually go lay down and get some sleep. my brain is going…it’s going places i don’t really understand all that well yet, doors that are in the process of being opened, or closed for good, it remains to be seen…and it’s constantly there. risking the possible loss for a chance at something greater of one of the few friends i have that didn’t abandon me when i needed them the most is something i wonder if i’m strong enough to handle. everything i have gone through in the past year has led me up to a point where there are so many ways i could go, so many choices in ways i could change or remain the same. do i want to stay stuck or do i want to fly. emotionally and/or literally. the fact that my brain and my emotions seem to be everywhere all at once lately don’t help the whole situation. a while ago in here i made a reference to someone and said “i could” feel a certain way about them…that whole saying about how you “can’t help who you fall in love with” is totally false. there is some sort of choice involved…i can let it happen or i can stop it in it’s tracks. possibly it’s because i’m really tired, but it seems so stupid to me that all along i’ve bought into that “i couldn’t help it” scenario, maybe not consciously however…probably as a justification for my bad choices as far as males go. i have all the choice in the world. i also have a headache.
in 5 hours i have to go watch bob the builder in tacoma and look like i’m having a really good time doing so.
my feet feel tired, shrunken and numb…as does my head. sadie is whining at me because she has not had time to run and dwindle down some of her energy…and i have none left to take her to play.
but my sister is oh so nice and turned the bed down for me in my parents room. :) how positively pleasant at 6am to be greeted like that.
off to bed.
