Strbellysneetch’s Weblog

a couple slam nights ago (actually a few weeks ago the way it works out since we hadn’t gone to a couple of them and they’re only once a week) april and i went to the ‘vous’ as it is called by the poetic elite that used to hang out there after the slam (when it was at sit n spin). the sexy drill press guy was there (long story…only april knows really), i over heard him talking about live journal and referring to all the poets who had active journals on here. he referred to them as L-shaped people. it was funny. i’m L-shaped.

wonderful experience today. took a half day off of work due to the fact that (all the fault being my own of course) i was running ALL weekend with pretty much 0 rest. it was a screwed day anyway because what i saw on the clock when my mind finally woke up was 6:30am…GOD, i was supposed to be there at 6. came home and started to clean my apt. up. the clutter that has accumulated was finally getting to me. my brain doesn’t work so well when my environment is messy. last week i got rid of the stupid rocking chair that was taking up precious space in my apt. after i learned that it’s owner wasn’t ever going to want it (learning that it actually had belonged to an ex-girl’s grandmother and not his which is what i was told previously for some ridiculous reason cemented that decision). today i took on the task of the wayward table with no chairs. just getting rid of it wasn’t sufficient though. i tore it apart. it felt nice in a demented kind of destructive way. there is ample space in my living room now.

i had to go pick up my crazy pills this evening and on the way home i stopped at value village with the intent to buy sadie some cheap stuffed animals that she could tear apart (i can’t see spending $7 on toys when inevitably they end up in unrecognizable pieces on my floor). while i was there i found this great fan for a really reasonable price (it IS value village and all) and got that too. came home and finished cleaning up, put up my new fan right above the erotic art picture that lisa got me in my hallway. it looks neat. i love my apt. again.

received yet another phone call at 2 in the morning last night . i refrained from picking it up (which is becoming an increasingly easy decision to make as my personal space becomes exponentially more important to me little by little). i was greeted this morning by another blubbering message. i’m still not really at a point where i can really process how i feel about this.

successfully worked all day today. everybody is sick so i ended up staying until closing so someone else could go home (i was already working for someone who was ill). i’m tired now. i’m going to make sure that i’m in bed in the next half hour though…i don’t want to wake up tomorrow being really tired too.

i had a normal date last night. well, maybe not “normal” normal, because coy isn’t really “normal”. never mind…i should stop using the word normal altogether. anyway, we had a pretty good time…talked a lot. he’s very easy to talk to. i made the bad date mistake though…but it was only because he asked. i almost wanted to laugh, because he asked in the most sensitive way i’ve ever heard ANYone ask, ’so, what’s going on in your life’. i knew he was referring to my romantic life because we had both mentioned that we were going through some hardships in that area. so it all came out. well, the brief version free of dramatic details. it was okay to talk to him about it though because he’s the kind of person who doesn’t give out any kind of judgemental vibes whatsoever. it was just a really nice time. nothing serious, just a nice time getting to know someone. i love that. it’s been a zillion years since i was on anything even close to a normal date. at the very least (which isn’t really the “least” at all) i’ve made an interesting, caring and safe friend. i need more of those.

my dog and i reached a new understanding in our relationship today. i didn’t realize before today how much control i had actually given her. why do i always give my control away as if i don’t really want it (which is 180 degrees from what is actually going on…i love having control, i have major control issues)? even with animals. i know it sounds silly, but it’s the truth. always i just offer up all the control…’here you go, step all over me…no big deal at all, don’t mind me’. i know it sounds a little poor me, but that too, is the truth. i know i cause part of it…there are certain ways i behave in relationships that alert people to the fact that if they desire they can be the dominant one in the relationship (even with friends)…i just honestly can’t figure out what those ways are exactly. if i could figure them out i would make a list and carry it with me always when i’m dealing with ANYbody and reference my list of ‘how i give control’ behaviors anytime i do anything.

anyway…i won one battle with my puppy. took her inside the pet store this morning to get some puppy food and she was a little more out of control than usual because it was her breakfast time (i’m a bad mom and i didn’t get it yesterday). one of the salespeople saw my struggle (like they always do when we are in the pet store) and as a result asked if i needed any help (like they always do as well)…we just have that look about us in public, like we need help to get along; it’s kind of funny. he asked if she always pulled on the leash like she was doing or just did it in the stores; i lied and said just in the stores really because it’s embarrassing to me that i have no control over my dogs behavior. he asked if he could show me this ‘gentle lead’ thing and i said sure. he told me a story about a lady that had a rottweiler who used it and was amazed because it was like a whole new dog. i figured anything that might help in the least i would be grateful for. it’s almost like a harness or muzzle, it fits over her mouth and latches behind her neck and the actual leash attaches to a ring that’s connected to the part that fits over her mouth. he explained that this way she doesn’t have control of her head, i do, so she can’t pull me around, she has to follow me. he put it on her and she threw a tiny fit (which was nothing like the one to come later, little to my knowledge at the time), but calmed down and stopped pulling. i wanted to cry. i figured it would be the best $27 i had ever spent. we went home so she could eat and i figured what better day than today to see how that thing would actually go over.

oh my god. we had a big fight about it for an hour outside in the grass. i got dirty, she got dirty, she ripped up the grass, she tried to rip up my arms so i had to fight the biting battle at the same time. she kept finding ways to get it off so i had to keep readjusting it…she almost ripped it apart at one point. she barked. up until this point she really thought she was totally in control. it was worse than some fights i’ve had with boyfriends. eventually i prevailed though. i got it adjusted to her little peanut head (well, maybe not so little), she stopped fighting and we sat on the ground staring at each other for a while…she sighed a lot. she gave up. after that, we had the best walk together we have ever had. we walked for a long time…free of trauma. by the time we got back home her neck didn’t hurt, nor did my hands. i saw our reflection in windows…we looked like we got along instead of looking like utter chaos coming down the street. i think we love each other a little more now. it really was the best $27 i’ve ever spent.

last night i went up to the clipper for a while so i could drop off karen’s avon stuff to her and also find out from scot if my assessment ever paid (whether i would have to come in today). hung out for a while and ended up taking one of my sister’s friends of a friend home because his friends left him (sadly that was kind of funny). i was driving down 48th almost to my apt. driveway and i saw an isuzu rodeo drive by that looked suspiciously like a car i know very well. i parked my car and sat for a minute in it; i made sure all the doors were locked. sure enough…there came george, uninvited at 2am…crying like a baby. all i could think was ‘what IS this bullshit’. i couldn’t bring myself to get out of the car…irrational, emotional thinking me wouldn’t even trust him that much, even though i really, really, really wanted to be able to. that was really saying a lot, that impulsive, in-denial me wouldn’t even get out of the car despite the fact that at that moment he probably wasn’t a threat, he was more vulnerable than anything else. it broke my heart. it broke my heart not only to see someone so upset and hurting, but also to realize how sad it was that i was so scared of someone i used to be so close to. i don’t think he even fully comprehends that aspect of things…the total and complete lack of trust on my part at this point. i really don’t think he understands it. how can he? he’s never been in the position that i’ve been in. after a couple of minutes of me sitting in the car and him standing outside in the cold he said ‘i’m not going to do anything, i promise’…that just made me more sad. that someone i still can’t help but have many many feelings for has to try to reassure me that i won’t be hurt in any way, even in just an emotional way. i didn’t get out of the car though. i told him that saw how upset he was but asked him what exactly he was trying to accomplish by being there at that hour of the morning. he said he was just really missing me and wanted to talk. eventually when he realized that there was probably no way i was budging he apologized and walked away. i still didn’t get out of the car. all i could do was sit there and cry at 2:30 in the morning. some of my neighbors pulled up into the parking spot beside me and probably thought i was insane, sitting in my car at that hour with head in hands on the steering wheel.

he called when he got home and was still crying. he just kept talking about how much he missed me, how he knows everything that has happened is his fault, how he has never been more sorry, how we wishes so badly that he could take it back, how i was all he had. it kills me to hear that much hurt, especially from someone i still can’t help caring about really deeply. it kills me to know that the best thing right now is to leave him in that sad place now that thats where he is at…even though the irrationally hopeful part of me would still like to believe that change is possible, even though i know i have the power to make all that hurt go away. jesus. i hate it because i know exactly how that sad place feels…and it’s ugly. i wish that miracles were really possible.

but it’s not really anything. it’s really not even a ‘done’ anything. it’s also too hard to explain exactly what i had in mind when i jotted it down

i’ve heard the way you sing
babygirl
all
hip and sultry
all for yourself
like you didn’t need anyone
to make love to you
when you opened your mouth
you caressed yourself
like you were weightless
like
numbers couldn’t cut you.

yah, like i said, i don’t really know what that is or what it will be for that matter.

i was told by a coworker the other day that i should take a long weekend soon. hmm. what that said to me was that it’s obvious that i’m a little burnt out. i’m a little burnt out on everything for that matter. i’m mostly just burnt out on people.

worked on rearranging my apt. a little this evening. made it look a little less cluttered. moved all of someone’s crap to just one closet until i can get it out of here instead of it taking up 3 differrent ones all at once.

april’s birthday was yesterday, conveniently slam night as well (we actually made it this week). i don’t really approve of the new spot it’s in…it’s incredibly not conducive to an activity like that. the bad juju lounge is a large space, so there is constant chatter and talking which made it really difficult to focus on the poets and what they were saying. especially for someone like me whose mind wanders all over the map. we had a good time though, i was happy to spend her birthday with her and the really nice boy she’s seeing.

ran into coy (the neat poetry slam guy) and had a ‘discussion’ about why i didn’t get around to returning his messages. it was good though, to clear things up. we had a chance to talk a little more last night…he is (thus far of course) dream boy. i don’t quite know how to deal with someone that is that nice; it’s disarming. we have a date on saturday that will involve warm clothes, a small hike, beef jerky (for the road) and sadie. :) i’m looking forward to it like i’ve never looked forward to anything in my life.

tomorrow precedes another weekend where i have too many things to do and not enough guts to say no to anyone when it involves my time. i had planned to take that 4 day mental health weekend that was suggested to me towards the end of april…i need to see if it’s possible to make it sooner. i need that.

i’m tired. it’s way past bedtime (considering i wanted to be in bed by 9).

if i ever really do want to get out of here it will take something drastic. i was thinking tonight (after i had been thinking it all weekend) how great it would be to own my own business or something and move somewhere like orcas island. the nice thing about going somewhere far, but not too far, is that i can FEEL like i’m running away from my problems (at least i can give myself the impression that i am running away from my problems…which mostly have to do with people) when really i’m not because it wouldn’t be like moving to canada or something dramatic like that. although to live somewhere like that i would either have to be stinking rich (to afford a $20 ferry ride daily) or have a business of my own up there. i’m going to research it. granted, i have never been to business school or anything like that…but really, does every single business owner in the US hold a degree relating to that? i think not. if they can do it so can i.

i just loved it in an area like that. everyone knows everyone else. if someone is crazy, everyone knows it. no one can be anonymously psycho or dangerous. a background check on someone i date is as simple as good relations with my neighbors. it’s small and pretty up there and simple. no running around like freaks with our heads cut off, no out of control tension, no old resentments haunting every street corner, no memories attached to every single place i go or person i see, nobody being able to drive by my apt.’s looking for me (long story) because it takes a whole lot more effort to drive by checking up on someone when you have to take a ferry to get there.

although, this is what i do. i visit somewhere and then for weeks afterward mull on about how nice it would be to live there and nothing ever happens with it. this might be different though only because it wouldn’t be sooo far away…just far away enough for my taste, kind of like how north bend was supposed to be. only this time i wouldn’t be relying on someone else to get anywhere, it would just be all me.

this would require a lot of letting go. i have previously been under the impression that i am not capable at this point in my life STILL of letting anything go, no matter what (or who) it is. something like that would force me to let go.