i really am crazy. that’s all i have to say about that.
Archive for February, 2003
i don’t like drunk people…
especially when they happen to be my friends and they’re inappropriate.
met up with lisa and lexie (who i missed a whole bunch since i haven’t seen her in decades) at the “buzz inn” earlier this evening for some french fries and conversation. darren and his friend dustin stopped by after a couple of hours. considerable mistake. they were both trashed; darren threw things at my friends and made fun of what they were talking about. he really wanted me to take shots and i had to say no about ten times (the last couple of times with severe irritation in my voice) before he got the picture. before they got there darren’s friend called me on lisa’s cell phone; after i told him where i would be i said about ten times that i had to get off the phone because it didn’t belong to me and i didn’t want to use up her minutes…finally i had to hang up on him. one of the first things darren said after he got there (after i verbally observed the fact that he was hammered) was that he is more fun when he’s intoxicated. yah…that was really fun. i’m still laughing. lisa, lexie and i decided to go home; when i went to let them know we were leaving darren’s friend let me know that i need to ‘learn how to be nice’. totally. oh yeah, i forgot, it was me who showed up drunk as a dog and acted like an asshole. silly me. i need to stop patronizing places of business that attract drunk people altogether (and not just dance clubs) apparently because i just can’t take it anymore…especially when those people are my friends who i expect at least a little consideration from.
did an estimate of my taxes today. i was not pleased. someone tell me how i could only be getting $122 back from the stinking irs? why do i always get screwed over? i swear i claim the correct number on my w-4’s. i tried to do it on the computer because i thought if i could figure it out myself it would be cheaper than going in h&r block to have one of their tax people do it. now i have to go in anyway to make sure i’m doing it right in case it’s incorrect and i should actually be getting more money back. i am not pleased with the tax man at all.
tomorrow is my ‘i’m crazy’ appointment with my doctor. i’m excited because maybe she will know what to do to make things better or shed some light on what is going on with me. i’m pretty sure that the way i’ve been feeling for a while doesn’t really help me deal with situations such as tonight. or in any situation for that matter.
piglet’s friend bob is taking sadie down to greenlake tomorrow afternoon because he likes her. that’s way cute. tomorrow i will be better.
piglet’s fondness for ani has grown on me as well…i figured out why. ‘how could you do nothing and say i’m doing my best. how could you take almost everything and then come back for the rest.’ -ani difranco how indeed.
made an appt. with my doctor for thursday finally. it’s time to get to the bottom of things. i often do that…recognize that i really need to do something and talk it to death (even if just in my head) but continue to not do it. my mental health is important. the other day i got something in the mail from george’s DV counseling place. they’ve called me as well. i guess it’s customary in programs like that to contact the “victim” (that’s a gross word) and let them know that they have the right to call and speak to counselors or whatever. i got this huge packet in the mail telling me things i already know (“warning signs your partner may be abusive”…thank you, now i know) and asking for things that they don’t know, i.e. what i have experienced during the relationship. yeah. get me a fricking cup of coffee so i can relax and relive all the ridiculous incidents. i know why they do that…because people who weren’t necessarily doing that completely of their own volition are likely to lie or minimize and who better to know what happened than from the “victim”, that way they can “help” the person more and yada yada. it just bugs me when i have to see things that bring forth the reality of it once again.
i have to try to crate sadie tonight. it’s going to be a long night. it’s hard to teach puppies. it’s raising my anxiety level to have her with me at work however because i’m constantly worried about something else and there are already enough things to worry about there without having to make sure she doesn’t bark and that she has enough open window space etc. she doesn’t seem to want to stop chewing on things or peeing in my apt. so this will have to be option number 2#. i don’t want to be one of those people who get a pet and then go “augh i can’t deal with it” and get rid of it instead of handling the problems. plus i love her now. if george hadn’t of had to get out of control i would have been lucky and still had someone to help her through the day but of course, i’m not lucky.
i want to go to europe. everyone is going to europe lately. there are too many things that i want. tomorrow my goal will be to priorize the things that i want.
the other night darren mentioned that he is looking for a new car and raised the question of whether i would maybe be able to take his navajo (pretty nice car…only it’s an SUV) since he is only paying his family for it so his payments are $100-$200. that would be perfect. i will also call him about how likely that is…if i could be blessed with a deal like that it would make my life a little easier. still, i’d have an SUV though. i don’t know how i feel about that in particular. i guess beggars can’t be choosers. heh, i’m a beggar.
okay that’s it…
Your answers to the self test indicate you may be suffering from an anxiety disorder. This self test does not substitute for a diagnosis by a healthcare professional. A healthcare professional is the only person who can appropriately diagnose you. We encourage you to make an appointment with a qualified healthcare professional to discuss your symptoms. It may even be helpful for you to bring your doctor a printout of your responses to the questions in the self test. To do this now, just go to your browser’s file menu and select print.
i didn’t put much stock into the whole depression test thing because, hey, something shitty just happened that i’m trying to deal with…of course i’m going to answer with depressed answers to a stupid quiz. this one however, concerns me. every answer i gave to the questions was an anxious answer. i worry excessively and am anxious most of the time. i am often restless, keyed-up and/or on edge. i often feel tired, weak and/or easily exhausted. i am often irritable and tense. i have difficulty sleeping and concentrating. my focus is never really up to par in a situation. often times when i’m having a conversation with someone i realize that i haven’t heard half of what they’ve said and many times find myself asking questions about things they’ve already gone over (a bad bad thing not just with those that i care about in my personal life, but also at work where i’m supposed to be making clients feel heard and cared about as well). wherever i am at i always feel like there’s somewhere else i should be, something i haven’t done, something else i should be doing (restless). i am quick to anger and irritation.
as much as i love relaxing, i find it hard to do because my mind is going while i’m trying to do it, or i feel obligated to be doing something all the time so i never really take time to relax, therefore end up just feeling more keyed up and irritable…then i get irritated with people in my personal life because after time spent at work i feel sometimes like people are taking up the time i could be relaxing, even though i wouldn’t have been relaxing in the first place anyway since i always feel like i have to be doing something. i think this is a lot of why i sometimes sleep in…for work and also on the weekends when there are things i want to get done…because even if i’m just sitting here at home i don’t go to bed when i should and even when i do i spend a lot of time laying there thinking. i can’t just stop my head. i can’t even drive without getting frustrated and irritated, even if people on the road at the time really aren’t doing anything terribly stupid or wrong. this is not good. i think this is also why i feel many times that i alienate family or friends even if i’m spending time with them since when i am there sometimes i can’t even listen like i want to and be interested. i don’t have a drug or alcohol habit (well, except cigarettes) so it can’t even be blamed on that. i would almost think it easier, only in the fact that if that were the case to make these things stop i would just have to struggle with the stopping of the drug or alcohol use…if it’s an actual mental thing those stick even with the use of some kind of medication because on top of the medication somehow at some point i imagine there’s a lot more work to do to manage stuff like that on an ongoing basis.
damn it. it’s a good thing i’m really tired tonight and so i can try to go to bed really early. like now. also, i lied earlier when i said this morning was the only silence i would get today because i’m getting it now…which is nice. also, i’m excited about the fact that i got my starbucks weekday out of the way tonight and only have to work at ths tomorrow. although my intention when i said i could work today was that maybe rob would schedule me an extra day, but that’s okay. tired. i did not call my doctor today to speak to her about these things because i got too caught up in my day working and such. definitely need to call her tomorrow though. most definitely.
the absence of trust…
the puppy must come with me to work today and chill in the car. she cannot be trusted on her own here. this weekend her victim was my copy of “tara road” (maeve binchy…good book). i thought for a second, that’s sort of cruel, but not really because it’s just like being in a kennel, except bigger. some people leave their dogs in kennels for hours…plus they say that dogs feel safer in smaller spaces. i just can’t watch my things slowly become chew toys; like they said at paws, she has to earn the right to be alone in the apt. wandering around.
i’m tired.
i have to work at starbucks at 2:30. i have people scheduled at ths back to back for like three hours. damn. here i go.
