Archive for January, 2003

is this being grown up?

January 31, 2003 at 5:16 pm · Filed under Daily

i’m sick to death of being poor. i can’t even pay all of my bills when they’re due…what is that shit about? it seems ridiculous to me that even when you know in your very bones how hard you work (and mine know that) you still can’t get very far ahead. having to call the phone company or the electric company and ask to make little bits of payments until the next check is pretty high up there on the top 5 most embarrassing things to have to endure. it doesn’t help that i sound like a small child. also in the running of the top 5 at this point in my life is having to go eat at home when you’re supposed to be this independant ‘i-can-take-care-of-myself’ person because you can’t afford to feed yourself quite right on your own at the time. worse yet, is not being able to even afford to buy your parents birthday presents that are worth anything. i was sitting there this afternoon going through my bills, trying to decide what i could pay for on each one…and all i wanted to do was go home to my mother and curl up on the couch and give up trying to take care of myself.

it’s a sad state of affairs we live in when someone in our society that has two jobs, that works just about every day of the week, that lives in an affordable apt. by today’s standards…cannot afford to live without asking for extensions on the utilities they need to have in order to survive. i know now how easy it is for people become homeless. a little dramatic, yes, but at the same time not really. if i had no family (like much of the world these days) to help me in an emergency, and no friends either that i could go to (again, like many people in our society) and some wild dramatic thing happened like i got ill or injured and couldn’t work, i would be homeless. this is the way people have to live, paycheck to paycheck, dollar to dollar…and there are still millions of people in this country who believe that ‘pulling yourself up by your bootstraps’ is still a possible standard for people to live by. there are still people in this country who really think that all those people who become homeless and unable to care for themselves are that way because they’re lazy, drunk, high or stupid. what a convenient way for those that “have” to go on believing that thay have no responsibility to try to fix the situation…that there is really nothing wrong…so that when they walk down the street and see someone that has nothing they can look the other way and imagine hundreds of scenarios of blame as to why that person is there instead of in a home with something to eat.

what a suck place we live in.

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silly unfinished poem

January 30, 2003 at 10:32 pm · Filed under Daily

‘if only he would understand
i’m not the perfect housekeeper,
the perfect anything’
while she sat there and excused away
4 years of bruises
4 years of names, critisism, judgements,
self-righteousness,
i wondered
how far have we really come?
maybe it’s an indication
that our subconsciences
are so programmed
somewhere in the dark primitive places in our minds
we are still whores of babylon
jezebel maidens for wanting anything more.
we are the destruction of man,
my lust brought down eden.
the fate of women was banished long ago
in the roots of those that claim christianity
in the “good book”-
it’s my dirty nasty sex, they say
that brings a beautiful pain
when i bring forth life.
never would they suppose
it’s a vital struggle to be shared
to fight for life
to bond for life.
and from the mouths of women
come the fingers as well,
‘what were you wearing
that made him take what didn’t belong to him?’
‘what did you do sweet child
that made him so mad?’
they don’t talk about a time before God
before war
before violence
before theiving the most basic human dignities
where women ruled,
matriarchs that didn’t require guns to be heard
societies that didn’t know how to hate
power that didn’t exist.
we don’t talk about what should have been
instead we make do with ‘if only’.

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i just want some money…

January 30, 2003 at 8:42 pm · Filed under Daily, Domestic Violence, Health, Money, Work

if anyone has any ideas as to how i can get my grubby little paws on lots of money quick please feel free to speak up at this time. i need a new car, i needed one like yesterday. i need to pay off my debts so that i don’t have to worry about who i owe anymore…it’s such an irritant just hanging over my head. so, yah, if anyone has any get rich quick schemes…this girl is open to ideas. i’ve had a nice quiet evening on my own tonight, it’s a beautiful thing really. i’m even considering topping it off with a relaxing bath before i retire. i almost set my apt. on fire tonight with my garlic bread. not really. i think, though, that i must have the most sensitive fire alarm on the market. it’s gone off before when i was cooking something, but that was because what i was cooking involved frying breaded fish and the grease was starting to smell burnt. tonight it was only garlic bread. i wasn’t meant to make food, that’s all there is to it. last night in my group a client started talking about the about the abusive relationship that they’re in. what they said about it was generally, “if they would only understand___________ about me and wouldn’t get so upset and start arguing with me things would be fine because everything else is perfect”. it bothered me because it’s so difficult to get someone in that kind of a situation to even begin talking as if the behavior has nothing to do with them, which it doesn’t. it’s so difficult to get people to instead start saying something like “if only they would control their behavior when they got upset and angry things would be fine”. that’s at least a step in the right direction. i have a tentative plan to work with the small amount of money that i do have. it goes like this: 1) work like a dog at starbucks for a few months (forsaking social life if necessary) 2) incur no extra expenses…pay all bills (this means no frivolous clothes/c.d./apt. stuff shopping simply because i get the whim to spend money) 3) take all extra money made from all the extra shifts at starbucks and place in bank account (backup plan for a savings account…hand over all extra cash to mom to hide in a safe place that i cannot get to in the meantime) 4) take tax return (we’re assuming i’m getting one and aren’t going to owe money which strangely happens to me frequently) and put it into a cd at my bank so that i can’t touch that either. 5) take all tips i incur from starbucks and place in savings account as well. 6) tell myself daily that i will not call my bank and check my savings account balance (in fact…write my savings account number with sharpee pen on a plastic card and freeze in my freezer since i haven’t memorized it yet, that way it makes it much more difficult a process for me to check it). if i don’t know how much is in there i’m less likely to focus on the fact that i have money to spend and therefore won’t spend it. only in the event of an emergency (emergencies defined as a bill i have to pay that i can’t pay out of my ths paycheck, medical reasons i might need money, or automobile expenses that i cannot put off in the concern of my safety) 7) limit myself to buying latte’s at a frequency of only 2 times per week (my sunday latte and my afternoon latte on any chosen weekday)…at all other times i require coffee it will be the drip coffee i get for free from my pound o’ coffee every week (which only costs me when all is said and done about $2-3 per week because i have to buy my special vanilla cream to go with it). 8) eat no meals out whatsoever (well, unless it’s dinner with my family or something). grocery shop on sundays and plan meals out for the week including lunches at work. CLIP COUPONS! 9) continue thinking of get rich quick schemes that are both legal and ethical. this is my plan. it’s a good plan. it’s a plan that will save me money. oh, i forgot one… 10) cut out pictures of newer cars and post them in my car, on my fridge, in my room, on my bathroom mirror, IN MY WALLET, on my bank card, in my checking account, and in my office at work. this will keep an image of my goal in my head at all times. i will be focused…i will be determined. i will get what i want. the only other stipulation that needs to happen is that my current hoopty has to last at least until my plan starts to work and i can afford to pay for at least half of the car i choose to buy (that way i don’t have to finance anything for very long). this could be sticky because every day my car makes a new funny, eerie sound. i could always write a book or something and hope to get rich off of that. in the meantime that will be number 11…think of award winning novel ideas.

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January 30, 2003 at 1:36 am · Filed under Fam, Friends, Holidays, Men, Mom, Money

i’m too tired to explain why women suck sometimes. i’m also too tired to explain the weird, stupid way in which i feel like i was betrayed. there’s also just too many thoughts running around in my head about it in the first place to sort them out properly. it was my mom’s birthday today so we all went out for spaghetti dinner (this is not intended to complain in any way that it was my mom’s birthday…but that makes two weeks in a row that there was no pizza night). i felt bad because i’m too poor right now to buy her a present. i wish i was stinking filthy rich so i could buy her the whole freaking world (despite my opinion of late that it’s really not that great of a world) because that’s what she deserves. my nephew. of course because we were in public, had to throw a fit and i took my turn at the we’re-going-to-have-to-go-outside-now-because-of-your-bad-behavior discipline. i was telling my friend pat in an e-mail that it’s really fascinating to watch toddlers throw fits and try their damndest to manipulate people…and only when they realize that it’s not successful do they turn the charm back on and become remorseful of it. it wasn’t until i was telling her about this that i made the connection that it reminded me an awful lot of many males i’ve known in my lifetime. either this says something solely about the men i’ve chosen to be acquainted to, or it says something about a large percentage of the men out there, haven’t quite figured out which is more accurate though. actually, it’s most likely not an optimum time to be making harsh judgements about anything really considering that my attitude towards the behavior of people in general is not necessarily very favorable at this point in my life. it’s very late and i shouldn’t be up. i will retire to my (hopefully) heated up, peaceful bedroom and dream dreams of a time when i was under the impression that i not only had a lot more friends, but also of when i actually thought i knew what they stood for and were about as people. yes, there are many people in this world who really suck ass.

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women kind of suck sometimes

January 29, 2003 at 9:30 am · Filed under Angry, Friends

i always trusted my girlfriends a little more than any boyfriend i’ve ever had. always. to my knowledge i’ve never been cheated on.., i stress, to my knowledge. i also always thought that if some kind of indescretion, or even an attempt at an indescretion, took place with a boyfriend, it would have nothing at all to do with any female friend i had because i was under the impression that the friends i chose wouldn’t ever do something like that to me…we all respected each other too much. right? yah. this has happened to me before with a friend, it was a million years ago, but it’s happened. it’s why i hated katie oswell so much in high school…after she tried to hit on my boyfriend in sophomore year, all the while pretending to by my friend. women aren’t supposed to sink to that level of betrayal when it involves men. men come and go…women stick around right? yah, right. damn, i have to go to work…i’ll have to finish my catharsis at a later time. why couldn’t i have a job where i work at home?

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