Yes, in fact, I did keep score all day…
7:45am-Wake up late. Tuesday: 1 Me: 0
8:00am-Witness, as I am readying for work, a strange stranger in a van honking repeatedly in the parking lot. I make the obvious asumption that he is picking someone up that lives here…and apparently can’t get out of the freaking van to go knock on a door. Yell at him. Tuesday: 2 Me: 0
8:40am-Negotiate a free parking spot in the employee lot, saving me $10 for the day. Tuesday: 2 Me: 1
9:45am-Go over my yearly review with my supervisor which is teeming with positive, you-do-a-good-job validations. Tuesday: 2 Me: 3 (I get an extra point because my review was so awesome.)
10:00am-Get reminded of an important fact that I had tried to forget; there is a freeze on raises due to budget issues. Tuesday: 2 Me: 2 2011: 1 (Not only do I lose a point, but the entire year is now on the board.)
11:15am-Walk out to check on Sadie only to realize that she has wedged herself on the floor between the front and back seats and is just coming out of a seizure. Tuesday: 3 Me: 2 2011: 2
11:45am-Successfully sneak Sadie into my office. Tuesday: 3 Me: 3 2011: 2
12:30pm-Become wholly conscious of the fact that Sister Christian, by Night Ranger, has been stuck in my head all morning. Tuesday: 4 Me: 3 2011: 2
2:00pm-Realize, after a knock on my office door, that I might not have been as successful sneaking Sadie in as I had previously thought. Have a panic attack before finally opening the door to…my branch manager who was doing a final walk through before our audit tomorrow. Have compassion bestowed on me after I tell of the seizure earlier. Resist hugging branch manager who simply says, “I’m not mad at you, just don’t bring her tomorrow”. Tuesday: 4 Me: 4 2011: 2 (I get the point because I didn’t get in trouble.)
2:30pm-Find out that I was the last to know something totally berserk that really impacts my job and that I have to try to explain to a court system. Tuesday: 5 Me: 4 2011: 2
3:00pm-Guilt self into cleaning my office extra good for tomorrow (audit) because I didn’t get in trouble for having a dog in the building. Tuesday: 6 Me: 4 2011: 2
3:30pm-Get asked by coworkers for files that I think are in really good shape. Realize that my files might not be as good as I thought they were. Tuesday: 7 Me: 4 2011: 2
6:00pm-Watch Sadie have another seizure. Cry. Tuesday: 8 Me: 4 2011: 3
6:30pm-Realize that not only did Tuesday win, but there are also three battles left this week (not to mention a half day on Saturday).
Sadie Girl/Sadie Momma
I do not know how much money I have spent on her. Truthfully I don’t even care to know because it doesn’t matter to me. I do not know how many vet visits there have been, or how much time spent, or how many tears, etc. and etc. All things considered, there is no way that I would go back to the day I adopted her from PAWS and make a different choice (if I had the opportunity to know how things would end up however, I might have saved more money in preparation).
We had a dog when I was growing up (a sunshine colored little cocker spaniel that liked spaghetti leftovers and was in love with one of my sisters) so it wasn’t like I hadn’t had owning dog/pet experiences before. I just hadn’t had a dog that I was 100% responsible for which is an entirely different hunk of cheese.
She was such a ridiculously sweet puppy (5 months old) that PAWS was in love with her enough to lie for me in order to take her home. They’re very particular in how they adopt pets out; if you live in an apartment they’re required to confirm with the manager that it’s okay to have the pet. Understandably, they don’t want the pet to end up coming back to them after someone tried to hussle it in to a building without permission. Sadly I met Sadie (formerly Kiaha) when someone already had a 24 hour hold on her so I had to go all the way back up to Lynnhood (yes, I intended to spell it that way) the next day in hopes of doing the same 24 hour hold thing with her. I did so, because I fell in love with her immediately. Of course, someone beat me to it. It just figures that day was a Friday and I would have to come back Saturday (when my apt mgmt office would be closed) to put my own hold on her, on the off chance that she didn’t get adopted (I figured she would because she is so awesome).
That Saturday evolved into two trips to Lynnhood and back; one to put a hold on her and two to get a copy of my lease (in hopes of taking her home that day) that had “pet rules” in it and return to PAWS since it indicated that having pets was indeed okay there. I had to borrow a neighbor’s lease since I was much worse about keeping paperwork in my early 20′s than I am now. After providing the lease copy a woman working at PAWS called the maintenance pager and pretended to have a conversation in which my apt mgr approved me to take her home. Then she was mine.
I really had no idea what I had gotten myself into. She chewed like a madman…my furniture, my books (!) and even my car. I couldn’t take her on a walk at first that didn’t result in not only seeing red, but also red chafed hands because if we weren’t at a full paced run she was not happy and pulled on the leash like a mother (PAWS lied about that too because they said she was “great” on the leash). She was insolent; one night after disciplining her for something that I do not remember she got on my bed, looked right at me and promptly peed on it. The attempts to trim her nails resulted in me backing her into a corner and getting full on growled at (with no trimmed nails to speak of after the fact). The first time I took her to my mom’s house for everyone to meet she broke into a full speed run up the stairs into my mother’s room and all I heard (because obviously I was left behind) was a resounding, “OUCH”.
Then I learned to take control (for the most part). I bought her a halti and wrestled with her for over an hour (despite the fact that the ‘dog whisperer’ Petco guy was able to slip it right on her in the store) in the backyard at my apt before she finally rolled over and gave in. Mucho growling and grass stains later I was able to take her on a walk without seeing red. After what was probably another hour of wrestling and eventually pinning her to the bed she learned to roll over and allow me to trim her nails (and has rolled right over ever since).
At a time when I did not feel safe in general because of my own personal choices, that dog made me feel safe. The first time she did so I was taking her out at night before bed and she heard someone walking around at the neighboring building. She sat right in front of me and let out this intense and pointed growl towards the direction of the person, and I was fascinated at the time that this little (well, not so little in size) puppy was not only aware of potential danger, but also willing to take care of it if need be. The second time, someone I had a restraining order against tried to come to my apt and get in (complete with banging on the door, calling cops, waking neighbors, etc.) and despite my having trained her successfully to cuddle with me at night, that dog sat in the bedroom doorway the entire night.
She’s the reason my dad realized he wanted a dog (and now has two); after watching her when I was out of town years ago he expressed how much he missed not having her around when I returned and took her back. The following Christmas my sisters and I found him a lab as a surprise present and he loves that dog to death.
Baby Lucy
She has so patiently dealt with many a second dog that I have tried to bring into the home, and for various reasons are no longer in our home but residing in other loving homes. But they all took to her and looked up to her.
Baby Holly
As irritating as my job sometimes is…
It is at the same time incredibly humbling and astonishing.
Today a client hugged me because we called their probation officer together. They asked permission (to hug) first and they were so excited and grateful looking that I wasn’t about to say something awful like, ”actually, it’s best to maintain professional boundaries”. Sometimes, you’re just supposed to accept a hug. Their absolute genuine gratitude actually caused me to feel momentarily awkward. When I took a good look in their eyes they were almost crying a little.
Then something hit me that I forget now and again by getting stuck in my own little world more than I really need to. I also swiftly kicked myself a little because forgetting it and then remembering it always helps me feel like a bit of a jerk. Not to mention reminds me (if I’m at work) that I’m not doing such a consistently hot job of connecting with the people I’m working with.
It’s just too easy to lose sight of the reality that we can not measure ourselves emotionally and/or spiritually against others. I think doing so often results in communicating some belief of superiority over another, a belief that probably (hopefully) isn’t even real, but is demonstrated just the same. I also think, in the moment, we may not even be aware that it’s happening.
I know a lot of things on paper about my clients: their drug history, medical history, prior legals, various types of abuse they’ve suffered and the mental health diagnosis that almost always comes along with all of that. Those aren’t even the important parts really. The important part of it is trying to understand how each person experienced it all (and more importantly, where they’re at with it) which is the very first step in helping them move beyond it and change behavior and choices going forward.
Today, for example, what that hug told me eventually (when I tuned back into life) is that someone was purely relieved to have someone with them for once, to face something pretty overwhelming rather than having to face it alone as usual. On the other hand, isn’t it nice for me that I have a fair amount of people that I can turn to when I feel like something is too difficult to face by myself? In my split second comparison of emotional experience that I wasn’t even consciously aware of at the time, I initially saw their reaction as exaggerated. Frankly, it didn’t hit home until they said how nice it was for someone to do something for them and not expect something in return. On the other hand, isn’t it nice for me that whatever happened in my past, I’ve gotten to a place where I’m healthy enough to avoid people who are abusive and will only take advantage? Complacency is not something that only plagues addicts.
Morals of the story:
- Today I ended up feeling like an asshole but it was good to be reminded of something that I forget too often; not only at work but also in my personal life.
- It’s unreasonable to have expectations of others because they are mainly based on our own experiences.
- What might seem small to you can seem huge to someone else, and vice versa.
May 5th
I must have been sleeping,
I must have been drinking,
I havent been dreaming about you for years.
There was a sharp turn and a sunburn
I was too cool for high school that year.
Must have have been new years, no one invited you,
You took things too far but i missed you
And your antics. you were lonesome and
Blue-eyed and so special to us.
You should have taken a long break
Instead of a long drop from a high place.
Ten years i never spoke your name.
Now it feels good to say it. your my friend again.
Said he forgave you, i said i hated you,
He was the bigger man, i was sixteen.
All the innosence it took well
I guess you finally made the year book. that year.
That year.
You should have taken a long break
Instead of a long drop, instead of a leap of faith,
Ten years i never spoke your name,
Now it feels good to say it youre my friend again.
I was angry
I was a daughter
I was a baptist
I was wrong
Brandi Carlile
I stopped taking anti-depressants and became bi-polar.
Or so it would seem. In actuality it could probably be described as the most hideous form of PMS that one could imagine.
No, it wasn’t the recommended thing to do. No, it’s not what my doctor and I went over. In fact, when I tell him how the “taper” went he’ll probably lecture me as if I’m ten years old again. I imagine he won’t be too pleased. What’s done is done though. It’s been at least a week and a half; likely, it’s been longer than that considering I haven’t been consistent about taking them for at least 2 months…I don’t put a lot of stock in my ability to really pinpoint the exact day I took the last one.
After what I thought to be at least 3-4 days (long enough to start noticing the tingly feeling in my limbs) my brain said, well…it’s been this long, what can it hurt? (No, at that point I was not considering the potential consequences for those unfortunate enough to be in my vicinity for the next month…my bad, and more on that later maybe). I neglected to devote any amount of time exploring the potential, and likely, side effects. I conviently (or not so conveniently maybe) blocked out the couple of times I’ve tried to do it this way before (with exception of noticing, and being pleased, that this time the walls didn’t appear to be melting before my very eyes…I’ve plain forgotten which anti-depressant caused that). I applied neither foresight or hindsight.
It hasn’t been terribly traumatic. Although if I consider an hour from now whether it’s been traumatic I might very well say something different.
Today I spent some time e-browsing what I’ve been experiencing. I wasn’t previously aware that there was such a website as drug rehab wiki. I’m fascinated by this. Apparently, there is “wiki” everything now. Additionally it fascinated me that some websites suggest entering a detox facility for use or “addiction” of sertraline (aka Zoloft). I suppose that should be another validation to demonstrate that it was plain stupid to simply stop taking it. I’m choosing against using the knowledge that way. At any rate, today I read about my symptoms:
- Irritability: Irritability seems a much milder term than how I would phrase it. One website that I came across used the term “aggression” which I feel is much more accurate (although I couldn’t find the website again). I routinely become discouraged when I see people doing stupid things…multiply that by about 10,000 right now. I became aggressive (“irritated”) on the phone today at work with a complete stranger from another treatment center because they called me three times in a 24-hour period. I felt aggressive towards the barista at Starbucks this morning simply because, after noticing me noticing the new art on the walls, he started talking about how it was done by a girl that works there. I felt aggressive when I was told today that the guys who changed the oil on my car this weekend cleaned up the front a little (aka ‘going through my stuff’ in my temporarily damaged brain). Ridiculous. Even more ridiculous was the momentary thought I had today where I painted all prescribers of medication as being in on some plot to give everyone anti-depressants so that we would notice all the stupidity in the world a little less and hopefully not care as much.
- Emotional instability: Um…yeah. Just a tad. Seeing today that every one of my other farmville friends has all their little buildings constructed and I still have three that aren’t complete made me feel bad (farmville for christ’s sake). I cried at work today (at my primary job) because I was asked to make copies of leases (for my secondary job) for the main office that has access to the same website they’re printed from that I do. I became very upset during channel surfing when I caught a tidbit of that show where they construct new houses for people…I felt guilty that I can’t make a new house for my mom. I won’t even go into the efforts that I’ve made lately to avoid thoughts of past events/issues that might cause strong emotional responses (too bad for me that my timing is awesome considering that it’s Jen’s birthday tomorrow). For the moment, I can go from mad to sad to guilty to okay to mad again in about 0 to 2 seconds (I bet this makes you really want to hang out with me right now.)
- Anxiety: Today when visiting the Payless on 3rd avenue I was almost convinced that I would probably get shot. Although I didn’t, by definition, have a panic attack I still equate this silly thought to anxiety due to the fact that this past year, when actually having a panic attack, I was convinced of the same when waiting for a bus in that area.
- Malaise: Dictionary.com provides a definition of malaise as, “a vague or unfocused feeling of mental uneasiness, lethargy, or discomfort”. The seemingly open-ended, “vague” definition of this confuses me. Which brings me to…
- Confusion: If ‘broken thoughts’ and somewhat of a disconnect between thoughts and speech when interacting with others can be defined as ‘confusion’, then sure, I suppose there’s some of that too.
That’s what I’ve noticed. However, I don’t think it’s all bad. Plus, it certainly can’t get any worse than it’s been. The only way things can go at this point, is up.
Part of my job is to teach people how to deal with life without drugs. Granted when I’m at work, ‘drugs’ equal cocaine/heroin/meth/benzos and not ’anti-depressants”. Here’s the thing though…I don’t like depending on a substance to make it okay for me to be alive in the world and handle things. I realize and fully acknowledge that depression is not a choice and people diagnosed as such don’t just wake up one day and say, “I don’t want to be depressed anymore so everything is going to be okay”. When I was told that was my issue and I made the choice to start anti-depressants I did so with the hope that time on the meds would level out my brain enough so that at some point I had a better starting point (foundation maybe?) than I had when I was told I needed them. My preference is to manage it myself and who knows? I might find that I’m not able to do that. If so, that’s fine. God knows I don’t think less of anyone that is held hostage by their brain and needs to be on them indefinitely in order to have some normalcy. Just for me though, my hope is that somehow enough time has gone by to where I can do this. If time tells me that I can’t then okay, I give. I didn’t do it the right way to begin with and I take responsibility for that, but at least at this point even with all the aggression/instability, etc. I’m still confident that I can. It’s manageable enough right now to where I’m not going to really go crazy on anyone, I’m not going to off myself (disclaimer: I’ve never been at that point) and I think I now have a fairly okay tool set to handle what my brain is doing. I certainly would not recommend that anyone disengage from those kinds of meds like this, but that’s what I did. We’ll see how it goes.
“Some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your own soul.” -Ezra Taft Benson
